Falling back into hetero life...

Well. We are conditioned that the hetero-normative lifestyle is what we are supposed to do. So, it can feel comfortable and easy. The alternative...to give up family and an "alright" relationship for the unknown is pretty scary and a lot to take in. Maybe you would never find what you had once. But, maybe you will find more.

The way I try to look at my life is to look at it through the eyes of my eighty year old future self. What will I want to have as memories of my life when it is near the end? Then I try and make those memories a reality. Only you can decide that.

 

It isn't about sex and emotional intimacy, it is about AUTHENTICITY. If your husband only found life with you "alright" and was only keen to stay with you so he didn't have to face his true feelings/identity in fear of actually experiencing true love and the heartbreak (that often inevitably) come with it, would you want him to stay with you? Wouldn't you feel like he is partially robing you from your opportunity to find true love with someone who loves you for you and doesn't crave something you cannot give them? If your children were married and unhappy/closeted, wouldn't you want them to find it in them to get out of their marriage and actually be themselves? Would you genuinely advise your kids to stay in their marriage for the sake of "security"?

You aren't breaking up your family, kids don't need their parents to live in the same house to feel like a proper family. What they need are parents who are happy, no kid wants their parents to stay together for their sake, kids know when that's the case and it causes way more damage than having parents happily co-parenting. You are your kids' role model, you will (and probably already do) want them to grow into confident adults who embrace their identity and have the strength to walk away from a marriage that doesn't fulfill them, show them the way. Teach them that you can love and care about someone and that a mariage doesn't have to be abusive to not be fulfilling and that it's still okay to leave (because it is), teach them that while coming out is hard and daunting being true to yourself and learning to love who you are is paramount and worth burning a few bridges and going through a few heartaches. In other words, be the person you would want them to be.

So many young people end up remaining in abusive and unhappy marriages because we, as a society, have created this fake idea that marriage should be for life and that splitting up is the worst thing parents can do to their children. Teaching them that staying in an unhappy marriage is okay, is probably the worst thing one can do to their kids.

If you do not love your husband, leave him, he can still be your best friend and a companion of life as well as the perfect co-parent but you do not have to remain married to him or keep having sex with him to keep the family unit going. He deserves someone who genuinely want a life with him, not just the security that come from being with him, and you deserve to experience dating someone you love and genuinely want to be with.

Life's too short to remain unhappy, your kids will move out eventually and build their own life but the years you waste in a situation you hate you will never get back.

 

I get your situation totally. It sucks. I like to imagine my epitaph, what it will be if I carry on as I am, or what it could be if I choose to be my authentic self. Then I imagine the people I love reading both of them, and I imagine the one they'd want to read, because they love me, right? It's probably silly but it helps.

 

I think you have to just keep working through it. Have you seen a therapist at all?

 

That's something you'll have to decide for yourself. I know that even when I feel like I've slipped back into a comfortable routine, something will happen that brings all the stress to the forefront. For me, this life isn't sustainable because even when it feels "comfortable," there's stress bubbling just below the surface from the fact that I have to force myself into a life that no longer fits.

 

Yes very true. Its true that only you can make that decision and that the right thing for one person, might not be the right thing for another.
I think it is always difficult to decide whether you should risk leaving comfort. If your relationship was bad, it would almost make the decision, not easy but perhaps easier.

 

Hi L8 bloomer, I appreciate hearing your experience.....I think I’m very similar except I’m the guy. One thing that you don’t seem to have, and I admire, is the shame for any attraction to the same sex. That’s something I’m working on in therapy. It does seem interesting when I read these boards that many women don’t seem to be hung up with the same kind of shame that I can feel for attraction to a man.....it just adds another layer to the difficulty of considering a different life than suburban Dad and husband.

 

Exactly. Sometimes "comfortable" means "numb," and that's no way to live (or at least not long term).

 

I'm sure the relationship you lost was painful. It has obviously caused you to keep things in freeze frame, not wanting to venture into that area. What caused it to unravel? How long did it last? There are difficulties with same sex partners and difficulties with opposite sex partners. There are different sets of issues at play. Neither is a bed of roses. You may want to look at what works for the short term but also what will work for the long run. Have you gone to any sort of counseling for what is going on at home and for addressing issues over relationships you're having and have had?

 

Hi @L8bloomer -
My husband found a support group for the straight spouse in mixed orientation marriages. He dives full force into research when faced with anything, so I’m sure he’s read and heard much of what your husband has. Similarly (after some really rough patches) he has been really trying to keep everything normal and loving. I’m sure he’s terrified. He has said he will not leave me.

But that just makes it harder. I feel all you are saying here. Including the comfortably numb piece. I’ve definitely been numbing myself. It’s hard to see the other side.