Gay Man, Straight Marriage -- Which Way is Forward?

Maldoone, you sent me a message I didn't know how to reply to in this iteration of EC. The post you were asking me about is What's possible is worth It: An update six years in the making.

 

Hey Svenbutton

I guess I missed the post where you did indicate you were in counseling. Do you think you could broach the subject in counseling lightly? Do you talk about your sex life in counseling? Could that be an opportunity to touch on your sexuality?

 

Thank you. I've a lot to think about. One thing is coming over strongly ; and that is the helpful power of EC.. I have a way to go yet.

 

Hi SevnButton, your story is a great inspiration to me.
My heart feels heavy reading your messages the last several days.
Thank you for your honesty.

FooFight54.

BTW: I came out to my wife this time last year that I'm bisexual. She is convinced that I'm GAY, not bisexual. I'm trying to figure that one out.
In the meantime, I live in my closet. Skeksis from EC mentioned that I need to follow my heart. This is so hard especially having kids.

 

Ever since 'coming out' to my wife in March 2017, and then blotting my copy book by coming out to some friends at New Year, I've considered myself to be 'out' to as many people as I would want to be. the crashing shock to my system when faced with actually being thrown out onto effectively the street in winter was, it has to be said, a huge brake on my desires. To get back, I swore undying love and affection and promised never to make anything out of it. ie, "I'm gay, but I'm not going to do anything about it". It was the best compromise I could come up with. A week after the revelations, she sat down on the sofa with me and asked me if it was true - was I gay? I just could not betray myself. Years of occasional flashes of truth were not to be denied. So I breathed a big breath, and said it was true. Jokingly, she asked me which part was gay? Was it my foot, my big toe...?
So, I crawled my way back into our marriage, and sometimes I pause to reflect on that. Was I being genuine, or was I acting in the best interests of my children, or do I really love her, or am I biding my time, waiting for Mr Right to cross my path? All of the above. Definitely. And that, I think is about par for any average guy, with the added complication of being gay/bisexual/queer/whatever. I can handle it. I wish my wife would acknowledge it. But what reason could there be for her to do that? It would undermine her position. So we go on. And it's not bad. Really, things have got better between us.
Anyway. I have another wee problem. I haven't told my kids - but I suspect the youngest knows something. Being a technophobe, my wife never picks up my phone, so she won't notice the gay novels and the double sim....I have to keep in touch with someone who speaks the same language - but this doesn't seem to apply to my youngest son. If I let him get past the security, I know he'll investigate the contents. And I just can't trust him not to blurt it out. Damn predictive texts; he borrowed my phone last year and it helpfully presented words such as 'gay' and 'help' and 'counselling' which gave him a laugh. Then he stopped giggling when he realised that it was dad who had been searching...
Anyone else have this problem?

 

Feel for you there, pal. I have the opposite problem! Having answered her questions, following my revelation, she pronounced me to be Bisexual. "If you're anything, you're bisexual", she said. So there we stand, and it does sort of work. Best not show her the books I read. Honestly, I never read slushy romantic novels in my life; now I regularly search the kindle store. Madly, I'm not really worried if someone saw these on my phone. I think I take the Being Out Thing a lot more seriously than those in my immediate vicinity. And, considering how many much more important things there are in this life, I guess that's fine.
Except that it's not. Hence writing on EC...

 

My wife came out to me a few years after the marriage she likes women, never did anything but there is no sex life with us now at all with no hope of that happening ever.

I love my wife. I love her very much. I also like men. Not sure what I want to do with men just yet, but I know I need male friends. Which I have many of, male friends that is.

I am turning a corner of my understanding of my sexuality.
I am being more open to having close friends, in the past many never really knew how to show love and that was men and women. I was divorced twice by the time I married the third wife. The first one broke my heart and hurt me a great deal by cheating and leaving and telling me at least the sex was good. That was all she got out of our marriage, and the fact that I loved her so much was not even worth saying.

Leaving me to wonder where to turn after 15 years with her.

There are no answers here, none at all maybe more questions. I am doing the best I can and making the best decisions I can around all of this.

I am more open to love. And I love her so much. I am sticking it out and I am okay with a sexless marriage because a sex life is not more important as our love. At 56 I am not alone in sexless marriages or partnerships, many stop sex a lot earlier.

 

Svenbutton

I am impressed that you are really planning on engaging your wife in an honest way. It sounds like your wife is one of those people that likes to know "what does this mean". So, knowing some of the answers ahead of time is great. I thought my wife would be that way. She wasn't. She just said "we can work this out". So, over six months we did. You might want to consider that approach. "Honey, I just needed to talk to you about this. I don't know what it means. I want you involved and I haven't done that in the past".

Anyway. You are the best judge of what your wife will want to hear.

Nick

 

Hi Sean
I have been reading your the ad on here I see your still struggerling with do I don't I tell her I know exactly how you feel .
I have not been on a.c. for a good while know I had to get my head together and get thing in straight in my head by taking in all the information I got off all you guys on ec and put it in play . I have know come out to wife that I'm gay it was not easy and there was a bit of anger but it was forfilling to get it of my chest . We are still working through things for know I have also told my girls ...that went better than I thought .

And it feels so good to get it of your chest



Hope this helps .....and good to see your still on ec working thing out

 

For me I would say it was worth it .Yes the wife was hurt and still is but the bird in of the secret was not doing us any good eather and she said when I told her I suspected some thing was wrong
And also telling has made me feel good to get it out .
Sevn it easy mate it is one of the hardest thing s I have ever done I won't lie