1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

What's possible is worth It: An update six years in the making

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by new55, May 16, 2018.

  1. new55

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2018
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    19
    Location:
    Iowa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'll try to make this first step back into EC as brief as possible, but if you're struggling with the prospect of coming out, have recently come out, or are somewhere down the road on your journey; please stick with this thread for a bit.

    I'll start at present day. On May 4, 2018 I married the man I had no idea existed for me when I came out in 2012! If you'd like to read my threads from that time, my user name then was just 55. What follows is a brief summary of my journey.

    I married my wife (both virgins) when she was 19 and I was 20 back in 1976. I was a totally naïve farm boy, an over-the-top devout Catholic, and mostly unaware that I was gay. Through 35 years of marriage and three children, I came to realize my orientation and felt "till death do us part" was my obligation and my sentence. I loved my wife and kids, but began a secret life in book stores and mall bathrooms. The guilt was relentless, but the desires overwhelming. I hated myself because I knew I was good in my soul, but my secret life made me believe I was the lowest of the low - it literally had me by the balls.

    Anyway, six years ago, a routine physical for my ex turned up an STD - the jig was up. Two months later we were divorced and I was on my own - depressed, lonely, and anxious. A great counselor and EC got me through that time. I have spent the past six years trying to rebuild my relationships with my children, although the total abandonment I had so long feared of my siblings and friends never happened. They've been supportive throughout. To her endless credit, my ex has supported me as best she could - never estranging me from my kids and continuing to include me in family activities even though she had every reason to make my life hell. It has been a roller coaster for both of us.

    About a year after having my life drop out from under me I was introduced to the man I said "I do" to on a beautiful May night. Five years full of laughs and a few tears culminated in a wedding attended by just over 100 people, including my children, granddaughter, extended family, coworkers, and long-time friends - all the people I had for so long feared I would lose if they knew the real me. It was also attended by my new family (a new mother-in-law and six new brothers and sisters-in-law and their spouses) and my new gay friends!

    Earlier in the post, I gave much credit to EC for helping me though that initial journey. It also provided me with one of the most amazing friends I have ever had. On EC, he posts as Maxx. Our journeys mirrored each other's in many ways. I was fortunate enough to be able to attend his wedding last September and was so proud when he and his new husband attended mine!

    If this post or any of the old threads and posts from me ( as 55) or Maxx can help anyone struggling with the prospect of coming out or your journey after making that gut-wrenching decision, please add to this thread. I plan be more active here again for as long as I'm helpful and I think Maxx feels the same.

    It feels great to write here again! May we all feel this way someday!
     
  2. signmypapyrus

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2017
    Messages:
    222
    Likes Received:
    107
    Location:
    Out west
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thank you for this and congrats on your own journey and marriage!!
     
    new55 likes this.
  3. quebec

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2014
    Messages:
    2,185
    Likes Received:
    1,134
    Location:
    Idaho
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    new55.....Hello and welcome back to empty closets! What a great story...an inspiration for all of us. Thank you so much for coming back to share with us. There are so many here who need to hear what can happen....instead of what they fear will happen.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    kkou, Bazinga87 and new55 like this.
  4. smee

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2016
    Messages:
    152
    Likes Received:
    34
    Location:
    Southern US
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Congratulations to you two!
     
  5. slowmo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2017
    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    35
    Location:
    West Coast
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    This is the kind of tale that gives me hope. Thanks so much.
     
  6. Choirboy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2013
    Messages:
    1,642
    Likes Received:
    295
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Congratulations! I'm a few years behind you in age and story, but I am definitely with the guy I will marry once a few more loose ends are tied up neatly, and life is not only good, but far better than I expected. We later-in-lifers are a unique bunch, and growing in number every day. When my high-school daughter tells people "My dad's gay", without any shame or self-consciousness, just stating a fact that she's perfectly fine with, I have to believe that there's someone hearing that who is thinking, maybe it's okay if I come out too. That's something that I (rather selfishly) hope for--that my experience gives someone else the courage to come out BEFORE they get married or get caught up in being who they wish they could be, instead of who they really are. I hope you have a wonderful life together!
     
    merry, new55 and slowmo like this.
  7. maxx

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 10, 2012
    Messages:
    173
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    San Francisco
    To say that EmptyClosets and New55 aka 55 have had an impact on my life is such an amazing understatement.

    EC gave me a safe and empathetic place to discuss and explore my true orientation - and angels like 55 made me realize that I'm not broken, not defective - that being gay is part of who I am and to hide that was greatly limiting the life I was meant to live.

    After being married to a woman for 27 years, I came out in 2012 (you can see all my threads on EC), went through separation/divorce, met an amazing man and we just got married last September - and we had the privilege of New55 in attendance to witness what he had such a key role in making happen (and he drove half way across the country to be there!) And now just had the privilege of witnessing New55 marry his partner. It's been such an amazing journey for both of us.

    I am blessed to have discovered EC and blessed to have life-long friends such as New55.

    This community is such a precious resource and I am thankful for it each day.

    To those of you still early in the journey - it is never too late to become your true self - to live the life you were meant to live. Although the transition can be scary - and at times it seems impossible - the result is SO worth it. The people here and the experience and support they offer can change your life.

    You owe it to your self.

    With love and gratitude,
    Maxx

     
  8. new55

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2018
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    19
    Location:
    Iowa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You're welcome, Slowmo. When I get a chance, I'll look for your threads!
     
  9. new55

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2018
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    19
    Location:
    Iowa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks for sharing your story! Congratulations to you too!
     
  10. new55

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2018
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    19
    Location:
    Iowa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks for your awesome reply, Maxx! It's amazing that the despair I/we felt just a few years ago has turned into the lives we can now call the ones we were meant to live! It was the hardest thing I've ever been through, but has given me the most joy - after many, many painful steps.

    New55
     
  11. Cool Bananas

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2013
    Messages:
    204
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Brisbane, but I seem to fly as much as superman
    Thanks for the update, I have been here more than 5 years, must be getting old, EC also helped me along a bit as well. I had sort of got stuck, told parents I was gay and 1 or 2 close friends and then it stopped, after joining EC I then felt confident in myself that there were other people like me. My other piece of advise is then go out and join different websites; or even apps, they help you get to know people, in the beginning you meet people who are like you and some may never change but you keep trying different things and eventually you meet a group of friends and if you are lucky you might even meet someone you can call your partner. Not all of us will get married but it can really help to have someone in your life when you never thought it would be possible.
    I don't stop by that often but when I do log in always amazes me new members join, people can take some time to have that light bulb moment where you think this isn't right I need to do something and it can happen at any age.
     
    kkou likes this.