Gay Man, Straight Marriage -- Which Way is Forward?

For me honesty and authenticity seems to be the only way for me to move forward. Often painful, with anxiety around what could be, regret around what’s lost, fears of losing critical attachment points....but it feels more right than anything else. It’s the example I want to set for my kids. Good luck.

 

When I break it all down honestly, I have to admit that I have really known my truth since preschool. That being said, I was in love with my wife when we married. Sex left me unsatisfied. We never could have a complete relationship. I believe though that 2 people like my wife and I could have had a relationship and maintained a marriage if we were willing to redefine what marriage meant. That was something I believed, but she wanted the "real" thing. In hindsight, I now see the failure of my belief. The emotional damage done to the both of us leaves permanent scars. So I believe in to each their own , but for me I realized that it wasn't just sexually unfufilling, but emotionally much more so. I am better alone being comfortable being me, than with a partner based presenting a fictitious picture.

 

This is one of those situations where I theoretically think one way, but I feel a different way.

I think it really depends on who you are as a person and what you need to be happy.

I have met multiple married men who are completely okay with living a double life. They sometimes even have boyfriends in other states that they visit. But for some that type of arrangement would drive them completely nuts. To some its the happy place that they made with their circumstances.

To me, you do what you can to survive.

So, what do you think you need to be happy? What do you think you can live with? I think from your posts its clear what you need to do, but you are just afraid of it "being worth it". At the end its all up to you and I don't think there is a wrong answer when it comes to that.

 

Your analogy of Let's Make a Deal is rather apt. It does feel like that. But just because it "feels" like that, it's not necessarily reality. I think the trap here is that our thinking is influenced by fear. Fear of coming out, fear of the future, fear of what people will think about us, fear of the reaction we will get. So our concept is that there are only three doors to choose from, and what's on the other side of that door is out of our hands. But it's not. There are hundreds of doors. You can make your own doors.

What might appear to be a Zonk! with a goat eating hay at first glance can turn into a better prize over time - the prize of living an authentic life, free of the burdens of shame and guilt, with lighter shoulders and genuine feelings. Look at the "fabulous prizes" you've already won. Are they real? You're comfortable with them, they are familiar to you, but are they real? Once you realize that you've been holding onto fake prizes all along, perhaps taking a chance on the doors won't seem like giving something up, but more like gaining what you've been missing all along.

 

I recently came back to EC after a few years away. I came out six years ago and two weeks ago married the man I hope to spend the rest of my life with - a man I never would have met if I'd stayed married. (Check out my new thread for the more complete story.)

We invited my ex to the wedding, and even though we're on very good terms, she declined after a lot of thought. When our RSVP date was approaching, I was driving her to her office after an appointment. It was a good discussion, but at one point I made the mistake of say something like, "All those years I felt like I was leading the wrong life. At least you got to feel like you were living yours." Her response was about how she'd spent so many years wondering what was wrong with her because our sex was infrequent and I was often emotionally disconnected. She feels stronger and more self-confident now that she knows she wasn't the problem. And she's right, I can see a big, positive change in her. She hasn't found someone new yet. I hope she does, but I don't think she'll need that to feel fulfilled in life. I do wish we could have started our new lives much sooner, but when can only move forward.

My point here is, make sure keeping what you have is something that is best for both of you. You're both in the game. You're not the only one who has the right to choose their best life.

Best of luck!

 

Hi. Found your thread, read the contributors and I like it a lot.
Ran 5k today for the first time ever. My wife runs marathons. I'm trying to.connect, in a new way. Actually I'm enjoying it. Anyway.
I thought today, as I'm walking the dog: d'you know, I'm staying here because I'm doing it for others. Why do I count? Does my coming in waves sexuality count for much in all of this? I get times when I can dismiss my homosexual side for the Greater Good. Then it washes over me again. I'll die one day, and I so want more than the frantic pre-romantic pre-sexual-learning days of boarding school. Hmm

 

More. In every straight relationship I've had there's a separation. A void that somehow I've not crossed, more than momentarily. I have a feeling i could cross that big time with the right man. Maybe I'm being immature or just inexperienced. Not that many lovers in these years. Still more bfs than gfs. Must say something i guess.

 

I wish I could transport you to the place I've reached. I remember feeling exactly like you do. There will be no getting around the pain. You mention counseling. I hope it's someone you meet with as a couple and alone, who knows the full story, and is skilled at guided questioning and not taking sides.

My heart aches for you.

 

Thanks. Totally with you on the 'gay side' thing. My wife actually asked me which bit of me was gay, when I replied to her question "well, are you gay" after a week of thinking. I replied that I was a little bit gay. Anyway she seemed to think that was impossible, and obviously I am bisexual. It's the first time I've had a label like this, so I adopted that. Still not a subject for discussion with her, though. Taboo. Don't go there. Bogeymen.
Like you say, my 'gayness' is all infused within me. Kinsey be damned.
Yes! I've done a half marathon! It took two weeks, and I did it in short bursts, in different counties.

 

At the end of the day, if you’re not doing what makes you happy, you’re not moving forward.

 

Sevnbutton

You mention coming out to your wife and yet you also mention she is aware of your sexuality. If she has been aware that you have Same Sex Attractions (SSA), then I wonder if some of the honesty/trust issues may be her trying to ask the same question of you?

My wife was clueless when I came out to her. Yet, when we were dating, somehow the Kinsey scale came up and I told her that "I don't think anyone is totally straight and there are some guys I am attracted to". She has no memory of this conversation. I even told the same thing to her brother who was a good friend (I think he does remember). So, maybe this history is forgotten.

So, Svenbutton, what does coming out to your wife involve the way you see it? Are you covering some past disclosures along with new understanding of your sexuality? Or, do you think she will be completely blind sided by this conversation?

When I came out to my wife, I, pretty much, knew what I wanted. I knew I needed to explore my SSA before I was too old. I was honest about that but didn't threaten her. I suggested it would be a decision we made as a married couple. My wife is not clueless. She knew I would need this and she didn't want to stand in the way and lose me. But, it helped for her to feel she had a part in it.

It is a tough thing for a spouse to accept and some just won't be able to do that. That's OK because each of us is different.

Your thread asks the question "which way is forward?". None of us can answer that for you. But, in my case, there was only one answer and that was to start moving in a direction that I felt was forward. A direction that aligned with how I really really felt. A direction, where on my death bed, I could say I was true to myself.

To be clear, this does not mean I couldn't nourish my same sex attractions and remain monogamous. It is possible. But, for me, I couldn't do that without my life partner engaged in that.

 

Svenbutton

Thanks for the clarification on your "gay" history.

It, probably, does make some sense for you to take your time coming out. I did this too for different reasons than you. I was less concerned about "nailing down" my sexuality. While the intensity of my same sex attractions varies, I am never at one end of the Kinsey Scale or the other. Always somewhere in the middle. I sense you are still trying to understand that about yourself. Your wife being aware of your history is going to want to know straight off (love puns) if you have now "gone gay".

I put off coming out until I had been on EC for about 3 months. Until I got on this website, I never really seriously considered coming out to my wife. The reason I waited awhile was because I was so angry at my wife about our sex life. How she could keep me from both hetero and gay sex. Unreasonable and unfair and I needed to shed this anger and reconnect with my wife first.

BUT, if I was your wife, and knowing your history, I would think the poor sex life was because you are, well, gay. Is it possible that some of the underlying problems you have in the marriage is because you and your wife just cannot get to what is really bothering you both? It seems like maybe some marriage counseling would be beneficial. I don't recall if you are in counseling. This may be a way of addressing a past issue and making it a current issue without going all out with "honey, the gay feelings are becoming overwhelming".

I know for my wife, it was very important for her to know I didn't just discover my SSA. That I knew they were there and I chose to be with her. It made it a part of our relationship. She just now knows a bit more (a lot more) about why I am the way I am.

You may, in counseling, be able to reflect on your life and articulate what is good about your SSA, in a way that won't be as threatening. Your wife may also have the opportunity to express how she has felt all these years. If she has been living in fear of your gayness re-emerging that has got to really screw with someone.

This reminds me. I haven't had a "talk" with my wife in several months about my SSA and our sex life has gone to sporadic at best. There are reasons for this that do not include "I found a boyfriend." I find that I need to be very considerate and reassuring and I have dropped the ball on that for awhile. It is very easy to slip into old patterns of behavior.