My heart hurts

Well, the saga is over. The woman I was starting to have feelings for is not someone I can date. Over many months of ups and downs, trust issues, and not knowing where it was all going, we finally got to the point of wanting to date exclusively. It felt great until I realized her extreme moods. I was trying to deal with it but it's worse than I originally thought. I don't know if it's a personality issue or more but it's a serious problem, complete with getting angry and irritable at the drop of a hat. She gets upset at the most minor things and nothing seems to help.

I liked her a lot and had hope for us but this has made me really heartbroken. I tried working with her and being accomodating but it didn't help. I felt like I always had to tread lightly for fear of upsetting her. I felt stifled but part of me felt really sad for her and wanted to help her. It just didn't work anymore and she was starting to be unkind when she got in a bad mood. Nothing I did for her would work.

What can I say? Before I knew this bad side of hers, I enjoyed talking and sharing experiences with her for hours. I guess hope for happiness is what I really miss now. My heart is heavy. It's not a good day.

FYI, this was the first woman I've dated. I guess that makes it extra hard to say goodbye. I thought I would handle the separation better, but I guess I became a little attached emotionally, despite the fact that I know she's not right for me.

 

Aw Rana, I'm sorry. Hopefully, after not too much time, you'll feel better and you meet someone better suited to you. Take it easy for a bit.

 

Thank you. I'm trying to focus on the reality of the situation, that she wasn't right for me (which I should have trusted my instincts on sooner).
I'm just mourning the loss of feeling hope & happiness...it was nice to feel loved, and to have someone ask how I was doing or how my day was going, even if it was a brief time.

 

Does she know your sentiments? Is she not trying to change for you?

 

She does, and we talked a lot about it. I tried very hard to be accommodating to the point of feeling miserable like I couldn't be myself around her. I don't think she's capable of changing. Honestly, she didn't seem emotionally stable at times...her issues are more serious than general relationship/behavior modification. But obviously we had good times too when she was feeling ok. It's just hard to let go of someone who has become a part of your life. I really thought I'd handle this better but I've cried a lot last night and this morning. I'm just weak and silly.

 

Big hugs for you.

 

It seems that you do care for her and that you're really hurting. She probably needs help. Maybe she needs anger management or something? Have she seeked a professional help? Is she addressing the fact that she has that kind of problem? What did she say about how you feel? I'm asking all these to see if there's a chance to save the relationship. I mean if you are fed up with it, of course then just leave.

 

Thank you.

 

Yes, she said she had seen a therapist for it. The problem was that she would get angry at me constantly for really silly reasons and would create issues to fight about that were ridiculous. Then when I'd pull away she'd cry and want to fix things, and this cycle kept continuing. She's really not well and displayed behavior that was almost like someone with borderline personality or something.

When I would bring it up she would get very defensive and try to blame me for stuff that was sometimes just ridiculous. She would hurt my feelings quite a bit during thise times, then feel sorry, etc.

It's not a situation I want to be in. She's really not right for me. I just am finding it harder to let go than I thought. It is really hard to deal with.

 

You say you worked hard in making things better. Am just curious, what are this insecurities she had, have you talked about them? Also did you both,go together for couples therapy to acknowledge the insecurities, then equally for her to know you arent the kind of person, her insecurities fear?

For working hard, if you really love her as you say, just means, working together to do things for the two of you. Though, i feel that she seems like a wounded person, like something happened in her past. If you cant handle the whole bit, then i agree do leave. I think you might not be good for each other at this point, though i can imagine how hard it must be to let go of each other cause you deeply bonded. Wish by some miracle, you both can make it work and be happy. To become those highschool sweethearts forever. Wish you the best OP.

 

Honestly, there were warning signs that I tried to negate or ignore. Her behavior was sometimes dishonest and silly. She had ups and downs and would send me mixed signals often in the beginning. I should have pulled back then, but I liked her because she could also be very sweet. I'm so effed up, why didn't I just end it earlier before getting emotionally invested? I'm stupid.

 

Her insecurities were everything from trust issues to fear of rejection. She'd try to push me away only to cry and apologize to mend things again. We haven't been together that long (not high school sweethearts), she's just my first lesbian relationship.

 

Why i asked the qn before, is based on such cases always occuring between lgbt relationships, on the basis of one partner having a heterosexual past or having a hetero part to them or closeted. Your partner may have had a bad experience with someone with internalized homophobia and treated them with prejudice and discrimination, thus damaging them mentally and they havent yet learnt, that the wound needs to be healed, through compassion and care.

She now uncontrollably maybe protects herself from hurt from you, cause she thinks you might do the same to her and you will look for an excuse to self hate and hurt her when she's vunerable and trusting. So she is preventing hurt, like an immune response, the antibodies are still there to protect.Thats why i spoke of couples therapy, did you guys go for an lgbt therapist together. You say ((first Lesbian)) meaning a history of something else? I presume?

 

Hi Rana and hugs to you. A break up is so difficult, especially the first one with a woman. Be sure to take good care of yourself right now--a fake sick day from work to do something you love may be in order.

I know this is so hard, but I think it is such a positive thing in an overall way that you realized early that you deserve better than what you were getting from this woman. Which is not to say the relationship was not a good one in many ways, and is not to minimize the feelings between you. But, you know that you do not want in to ANY relationship that stifles you. And while we can certainly support people, but we cannot change them, we cannot 'fix' them. So many people stay in stifling, dysfunctional relationships for so long (me in my marriage!) just HOPING things will get better...even when there is zero indication or solid proof that things are moving in a better direction at all.

There are so many things that could be going on with your girlfriend, mood disorder, borderline personality disorder (the irritability, getting mad and push /pull dynamic of your relationship is a classic earmark of BPD.) But who knows really. It's so hard especially when we know someone is hurting to walk away...but in the end if their behavior is causing constant distress in us, it is time to walk away. Otherwise we can get completely looped up in their 'stuff' while neglecting our own. (Been there done that!)

Anyway, sending you EC support. It's hard right now, and I know you must miss her and all the good things terribly, but you will get through this. All the best to you.

 

Hey Rana,

You're not stupid. Why shouldn't you have enjoyed the good stuff and hoped that it could be built upon for something meaningful and lasting? Of course you had high hopes. It was your first lesbian relationship which finally lined up with your sexuality. How fabulous is that? But nothing is perfect, especially where humans are concerned. So you had some good times, some less than good times and learnt some stuff. Next time you'll be more experienced and will be able pull from it to help you find the right woman for you.

 

Rana,

I had a similar experience with my first relationship with a woman. I continued to ignore significant red flags and allowed her to "get away with" behavior that was ultimately manipulative and abusive.

It hurts, a lot, I know. Allow your heart to hurt - you're grieving. Hugs.

 

Hey Rana,

I can't speak to the lesbian aspect of the relationship, but I can comment on the other parts. I dated a man that exhibited similar behavior; mood swings on the flip of a dime, anger over very little things, and intentionally hurting my feelings in the process. I saw the red flags, but stayed in that relationship way to long because when things were good they seemed perfect and I rationalized the bad.

When we did end our relationship, a part of me knew instantly that it was the best thing but that didn't stop the pain.

When we become emotionally involved with someone else we inevitably allow ourselves to become a little vulnerable. It's ok to hurt and it's ok to take the time you need to heal. I am sorry you are feeling down right now, but I promise the hurt does ease up and you will be stronger for it.

 

Rana,
I know what you feel. You have experience almost similar with me. I consider to be a patient guy and quite when I have problem with a guy who I love. I can't even also to face people who always change their mood extremely including egoist.
Many times my heart broken and because of love I can face it and tried to find a solutions. Good luck for you, hope you find what you are looking for.

SL

 

Well, I have no words of wisdom for your situation, but please have some virtual hugs.

 

The level of dysfunction was so high that I didn't want to continue the relationship so I didn't want couples therapy. It was a situation where there were lots of red flags very early on even before becoming a couple. I knew she wasn't right for me, but it was difficult for me to completely make a break because I had become emotionally attached to her.