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My heart hurts

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Rana, Sep 6, 2017.

  1. Rana

    Rana Guest

    Yes, her issues were serious enough that I knew it was either a mood disorder or borderline personality.
    The turning point for me was realizing how much I had tried to change my behavior to avoid setting her off or upsetting her. It went way beyond compromise and I found that I didn't even recognize myself anymore. That's just not sustainable.
     
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  2. Rana

    Rana Guest

    I also definitely let her "get away" with behavior that was ultimately abusive in that it made me feel bad about myself. She would find fault with so much that I did or said, and she would complain about problems that didn't exist. I ignored it in the beginning or chalked it up to personality differences but it was way worse than that.
     
  3. Rana

    Rana Guest

    This is so similar to my situation with her...it describes it perfectly...angry over little things, intentionally hurting my feelings, etc.

    I majorly rationalized the red flags also, even from very early on. I didn't want to believe it and kept doubting myself. Just like you, I also felt things were perfect when her mood was good. But the reality always came back to bite me. It got to a point where I felt very depressed in the relationship.

    Yes, being vulnerable was so hard for me, and the pain is raw right now. I had someone with whom I communicated on a daily basis, and it was comforting a lot of times.

    I feel like I've lost a limb right now. :frowning2:
     
  4. Rana

    Rana Guest

    Thank you. I hope we all find what we're looking for. ❤️
     
  5. driedroses

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    I understand. The most egregious behavior I ignored was belittling of me as a mother. My kids were teenagers - the youngest one was 14, and the oldest one living with me was 18. If I would spend time with her in the evening and not fix dinner for my kids (they had food, of course), I was neglectful. If I spent time with them or took their needs into consideration, I was too enmeshed and let them run my life.

    Be gentle with yourself. We all do what we do with what we have at the moment - and when that moment passes, we can look back and learn and grow. And love ourselves.
     
    #25 driedroses, Sep 7, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2017
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  6. driedroses

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    A thought on that - it's better to cut a diseased limb off than allow it to destroy the rest of the body. We remove cancers and other disease as possible because we want to maintain the overall health and integrity of the body. Not that that lessens the pain. If I could, I'd reach out to hug you.
     
  7. silverhalo

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    Hugs Rana. It's tough and right now I think hurts like hell but time will heal the hurt and you will be able to take the positives from it and learn the lessons it brought to you. Give yourself time and then try again, you are right you deserve more and in time you will find it.
     
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  8. Rana

    Rana Guest

    I can definitely relate to your experience. With my ex there were similar unreasonable views, usually extremes. I've been reading about borderline personality disorder and it describes her very accurately.
    Anyway, thanks for your comments.
     
  9. Rana

    Rana Guest

    This is a brilliant analogy. The relationship certainly felt like a diseased limb quite often. Thanks for the hugs.
     
  10. Rana

    Rana Guest

    Thank you for your kind words and support.
     
  11. Imjustjulien

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    Thinking warmly of you.
     
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  12. Rana

    Rana Guest

    You guys are so sweet to lend your support, wisdom, and virtual hugs. It hasn't even been 24 hours since my breakup so I'm feeling horrible, but your compassion really does make a huge difference. I cherish and appreciate your time in helping me. It's a really tough time for me.
     
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  13. Rana

    Rana Guest

    Thank you my Aussie friend. I hope you have a better experience than I did for my first same-sex relationship when the time comes. ❤️
     
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  14. Rana

    Rana Guest

    OMG, this breakup is going to be so much harder than I thought. Regardless of the problems I had with my ex, and regardless of the fact that I am 100% sure she's not the one for me, I have become so used to hearing from her on a daily basis for the last couple of months. Today is the first day I don't have that and it feels awfully sad. I guess I lost a friend as well, and I'm not handling it well. I'm breaking out in tears off and on like a lunatic. :frowning2:
     
  15. silverhalo

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    Aww I'm sorry, breakups are never easy. Be strong you are doing it for the right reasons.
     
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  16. Rana

    Rana Guest

    What a difficult day this was...1st day post-breakup. The universe sent me a lifeline in the form of a friend who took me out for ice cream and let me vent & cry.

    I'm still surprised at how much more hurt I am than I thought. I was a human fountain today...total waterworks. Tears would flow without me even thinking about my ex...like a running faucet! I've never really had this particular experience post-breakup. I've been heartbroken before but this was inexplicably different (and the day isn't over yet). FML!
     
  17. NeonSocks

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    It's ok! Cry as much as you need to and even if today it seems like the tears will never stop, I promise one day they will. It's ok to feel hurt and upset, your feelings are valid if for no other reason than they are your own.

    You allowed yourself to fully experience a relationship with another person and when that ends (no matter the reason) we are left with a feeling of hurt and grief. It's ok to fell that way. It's ok to mourn the relationship because at the end of the day the hardest part of relationships are allowing our selves to be vulnerable and it hurts so much when that wound is exposed.

    It will heal. It will take time and lots of ice cream, but it will heal. :slight_smile:
     
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  18. leb10

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    Rana - I'm sorry you're going through this. Sending you lots of support. Do what you need to do to find comfort - Mexican food, a movie you enjoy, some well deserved couch time, more tears if you find it therapeutic, etc. you're going to get through it but it's ok to not be ok right now.
     
  19. Rana

    Rana Guest

    Thank you. Your words are very comforting to me. I really appreciate your support. ❤️
     
  20. RJay

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    I'm so sorry to read about this, Rana! Sounds like walking away is the right choice, but of COURSE it's gonna hurt. Be good to yourself!
     
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