My heart hurts

Hey you dipped your toe in the water and although it didn't go brilliantly you mustn't stop now.

My first relationship was a complete mess and it took some time to get over the impact of it. There's nothing wrong with mourning the loss of the relationship or feeling sorry for yourself. However don't let yourself dwell on things too much. Just give yourself a little time to heal and then allow yourself to hope once more.

You are a lovely person who deserves love, respect and happiness. I know you will find it.

 

@azzi,
Brussels sprout smoothie?!

 

I dont know what in the world that is. I was gonna post a pic of an ice cream or something. But then i saw this page about foods for brokenhearted and that's the first in the list

 

Ditto! Sit down at 'our table' at Panera and memory floats back to, 'awww but remember when we were sitting here and planning our trip to New Hampshire and the world was beautiful...'

It's so hard! Like you want to reach back and make that moment alive again! But relationships are never just THOSE moments. But THOSE moments are so intoxicating it's easy to downplay, and flat out ignore those the red flags that were ALSO interwoven into the relationship.

Easy to have downplayed the things that were slowly chipping away at us and/or breaking our personal boundaries. Easy to let this or that thing slide a bit, until we have let things slide so much that we realize we have become a hot mess. And have lost ourselves, and are not honoring our own values/boundaries/wants/ needs. It really took me lots of work with my therapist to realize all this; and his reflecting the thoughts I expressed back to me. Lots of those, 'and how did that make you feel?' questions-and me answering honestly. Geez, he even had to go back to step one with me and work with me on the fact that it IS okay for me to have my own boundaries in relationships. And that they are valid simply because they are mine-no justification needed. Sort of pathetic at this late age but this really WAS a lightbulb moment when I finally got this!

Short circuiting our memory seems like a good idea on paper-but we NEED to remember (all the pain AND the beauty), so we can be reminded of all we learned!
Hang in there Rana. It's okay to cry in your coffee now and then. I still do every once in a while!

This one is hanging in my closet so I am forced to review it every morning when I get dressed--
'Have enough respect for yourself to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you or makes you happy.'

 

Um, is this spiked with vodka or something? LOL. I might agree to drink it in that case. Better yet, inject me!
♥

 

I agree, the lessons wouldn't be learned any other way if we could short circuit our memories. This is a good point.
I also agree that it's ultimately having respect for one self that makes you leave.
I'd love to get to a point where I can let my head rule and not my heart.
That's what seems to get me in trouble.

 

I don't think that's true Rana. I think we need both our heart and our head to be involved, we just need a balance. If we only have our head involved you run the risk of ending up in a situation which looks good on paper but isn't necessarily right. A lot like how a lot of you ended up married to men, your head thought that was what you should want so it went for it. Relationships, dating and love always involve taking risks and I think our heads on the whole are rather risk averse so they sit there say no don't send the message, don't give her a call, don't go to the meet up you could look silly or they might not like you etc etc. So we need our heart and its desires to give that push and make us take that risk in order to find what we want .

 

Well then I'm screwed, lol. I agree about balance. I usually end up having things tip towards what my heart wants and not enough of the letting the mind lead...this is why I may ignore red flags. I wish I could find that balance and not feel so emotional or only see the good about a person in the beginning. I'm certainly getting better because I didn't let my last relationship go on for very long at all. So I guess I'm becoming better at doing something about it quickly after I feel something is wrong. I just need to learn to not ignore things I see in the beginning which could be problematic. It's not easy but some things should be deal breakers. I'm much too flexible in the beginning as to what I want or willing to accept.
I'm like 70% heart, 30% mind...it needs to be a better balance than this...maybe 50/50?

 

I don't think you are screwed at all. I actually think you are being way to hard on yourself about this whole experience. Sure you ignored a couple of red flags but we can't always stop at the first sign of danger otherwise we would never get anywhere. You quickly recognised the relationship wasn't good for you and ended it. It hurts sure but that will heal in time. I also think there are many many worse qualities to have than seeing the best in people.
Flexibility and expectations are important but I don't think you are as far away from the right place as you think. Good things are not far away.

 

Thank you Silver,
Your words give me courage. ❤️

 

One week down. It has been one week since my breakup. I feel mostly okay. I noticed yesterday that I tend to feel sad about my breakup when I'm more stressed for some reason (perhaps we feel more vulnerable when stressed out or worried about something difficult).
I sometimes miss my ex because she could be very sweet and funny. I don't have any negative feelings for her. I'm concerned for her sometimes because she has gone through a lot in life (I find myself wishing I could help her, but I know she doesn't need the kind of help someone else gives).

Anyway, I'm strangely at peace with the whole thing (almost too peaceful...it's creeping me out, lol).
If you would tell me I would be feeling relatively ok just a week after the end of my first lesbian relationship, I wouldn't believe it. Maybe it's emotional maturity. Maybe it's the clarity I've felt about who I am as a person since coming out to myself.
I don't know, but I like it!
One thing I know for sure is that I would be much worse off without the kind, wise, encouraging words of my EC friends. "Thank you" doesn't begin to explain my gratitude. Friends, I really cherish your presence. ❤️❤️❤️

 

You are being very hard on yourself. Wearing your heart on your sleeve isn't all bad - it may be one of the very attributes that attracts people to you. I'm in the very early stages of a relationship that started with red flags - she didn't put a photo on her dating profile, used a false name and location...but I took a punt that she was sincere....all relationships are a process of discovery...and you discovered that she absolutely wasn't good for you. And yes you do need to grieve. I am still grieving for an unrequited love, despite enjoying being with another person....I think we all need to go through that process....and it takes time.