Coming out at 31: my update

Of course. I can't even think about anything remotely romantic with him at this point... I just want to make sure I'm not losing him as a friend. Id much rather him be straight (or even gay or bi for that matter) and not interested than him simply not want to be friends with me now that he knows I'm homosexual. Or if he perceived I have feelings for him and that drove him away. That would be infinitely more hurtful. He has as little control over his sexuality as I do. I couldn't fault him for being unable to reciprocate my feelings or for not being at a stage in his life where he can deal with any question about his sexuality.

 

Thanks mnguy. I called him last night- no answer- his voicemail was broken so I texted him and said just saying hi, call when you can. He texted back about an hour later and said hi and that he would call me shortly, except (24 hours later) he never did. No text messages, nothing.

I'm a little at a loss. Maybe he is considering his sexuality but I feel like getting my hopes up isn't the best thing for me to be doing! He has said homophobic things in the past, but no more than the average straight guy does, in my opinion. And as warm as he was when I came out (can refer to my earlier posts from early May), I wouldn't guess it but anything is possible. I suppose other possibilities is that he thinks I have feelings for him (which... OBVIOUSLY I DO, but I would never betray his or his girlfriend's trust) or he has something else personal going on. Maybe he told his girlfriend I'm gay?

I guess I'm just wondering how long to wait until I reach out again. Maybe I'm crazy, but I'm going to reach out again, eventually. I refuse to give up on this friendship at this point.... I just hope it's one worth keeping. Up until a few weeks ago it sure seemed like it. Not to jump to conclusions, but I've just never felt so rejected.

If nothing else I have plenty of wonderful friends and, again, I'll be fine. I've got plenty going for me, but I didn't expect a dose of heartbreak so spice up my coming out story. I suppose time will tell.

And, again, thanks to anyone who reads- and replies!- to these ramblings. We are all making progress... even if the road is a bit more tortuous than we expected. You guys are great.

 

Thanks quietman! Glad you don't think I am crazy

For anyone interested in these updates, Tuesday night I broke down and texted him to say hi- we had a short fairly cool interaction... I suggested we should catch up because it's been a while and he said yes we need to but we couldn't then because he was tired and needed to sleep and I said that that was no problem.

Nothing Wednesday... I called last night, voicemail wasn't working so I texted and just asked him to call me back at some point and it would be good to hear from and that I hoped everything was all right. Damn imessage read receipt let me know he saw it right away (I hate those read receipts sometimes!) biut no reply.

So overall a strange story in my opinion. I can't think of plenty of good explanations for his behavior particularly because he used to talk constantly. Maybe he actually is struggling with his sexuality. Maybe it has nothing to do with me. Whatever it is, I wonder if he realizes how confusing and hurtful this is and whether he cares. Whenever I find out I'll be sure to post here... I suppose I'm done with trying to contact him. If another week goes by and hear nothing, I suppose I'll say my peace to him. And eventually move on.

On a lighter note I'm at work trying to write this and it's one of those mornings I can't go 30 seconds without getting interrupted by everyone I have ever met. So frustrating! Can't they give me 10 minutes to type my EC diary entry!

Happy Friday. Thanks to anyone who reads.

 

Thanks for the replies.

I agree with everything that everyone has said. While I have talked ad nauseam on here about how I worry it's about me, I have made no suggestion to him that I think this.... and there's a very good chance that it has NOTHING to do with me, even if the cold shoulder burns like hell. I've tried to just let him know I'm there and I'll have to wait.

I've also made no suggestion to him that I'm mad at him. And, really, I'm not mad at him. I am not happy that he's blown me off but if he comes back around I'd accept him with open arms in a second. A big part of me is worried that he never will come around and the closeness of our friendship will never be the same but I just have to wait and see, at this point. He does have a lot going on- maybe it's his girlfriend- maybe he's met someone new- I don't really know. I wish he felt he could share it with me but I'm not him and I don't know what's going on in his head.

@Yossarian: I would love to see him. He is a 5 hour drive away from me, though. I HAVE seen him since I came out to him. We hung out one night a couple weeks ago and things were pretty normal. Before that he had started talking to me less and less... I thought hanging out would make us talk again more, but since then it has only trailed off further. At this point, I think me showing up in his town might scare him off for sure!!

I am concerned that he is isolating himself for sure. We actually don't have a ton of mutual friends so I don't know if he has isolated himself from others, or his girlfriend, either. I could ask his girlfriend, but I'd rather not go there for now. I just need to be strong, suck it up, and wait and/or forget. It is hard because my emotions and my anxiety are running much higher than usual.

 

Hi mnguy... Jake and I haven't been friends long. We met last May and progressed rapidly from coworkers to casual friends to extremely close friends. I won't go into all the details, but I've moved around a bunch and have had lots of friends from different life stages. This friendship moved very quickly. It was always just a friendship but the intensity certainly deviated from the norm. He moved away in December. I knew I had very strong feelings for him but I thought they would fade with his departure. Instead, we kept in such close contact that I began to wonder if he had feelings for me. Our contact actually seemed to increase over the months of December to this May. I broke up with my girlfriend for a mixture of related and unrelated reasons in April. My feelings for him prompted me to come out to him in early May. His response was so kind that it melted my heart and things seemed fine for the next couple weeks, then very abruptly he kind of dropped me. Sure, friendships fade with time, especially short-lived ones, but this was not a gradual change.

On top of this, he has been sticking with an unhappy relationship with his girlfriend for the better part of a year. I know he feels familial pressure to get married and settle down. He has admitted to me that he has never been fulfilled in any of his previous relationships, but has made zero suggestion that he might be attracted to men or, more specifically, to me.

Regardless, I agree the ball is in his court. I would be so hurt if he really wanted to end the friendship. Deep down I don't think that he does. Time will tell. Sometimes I feel like a complete fool for thinking something could ever happen between us. Other times I feel so sure that this is fate. I try to tell the story as objectively as possible; I can't promise that it isn't tainted by some amount of bias. But bottom line, I had a close friend, I told him I was gay, he was fine for a few weeks, and now I can get nothing out of him. It is what it is, but it makes for a shi**y coming out story!!

 

I sent him a pretty frank letter yesterday... basic gist was everything I talked about on here, short of my feelings for him. I said I'd rather speak to him but he won't return my calls. I said I hoped he was all right and told him he could always come to me if he had a problem. I said that I didn't want to make a deal of this, but his lack of communication really confused and hurt me to the point that I even wondered if he didn't want to be friends with me anymore. I said I didn't know if it had to do with me being gay, and that I am still particularly sensitive about it so I was sorry if I brought it into this conversation unnecessarily. I apologized if it put him in an uncomfortable spot, but I reminded him that I told him because I trust him and that he would never offend me with any questions or comments. Lastly I asked that if he replied that he only be honest... to not just say things to smooth things over, that it wasn't worth my time or his time- and that I just wanted things to go back to normal if that was also what he wanted.

Anyways he got back to me fairly quickly by text and was very apologetic and I think surprised. Basically he said he considers me one of his closest friends and it was never his intention to make me feel like that and that he was sorry he didn't put in more of an effort to be in touch. We talked by phone for a while later and at the end of that conversation he apologized again and said he should have gotten back to me and that just wasn't something good friends do. I told him to not worry about it, which I meant.

He didn't give any indication as to WHY he didn't- if anything it sounds like he is less busy at work than he had been- but I wasn't going to press him for an explanation. I have a feeling we probably aren't going to talk as often as we used to, and I'm not going to contact him for a while unless he tries to get in touch with me. I don't want to be the needy friend who wants continual reassurance that everything is OK. I need to know that he wants to be in touch with me, because maintaining the effort to stay in close contact is not a good use of my energy. Presumably he is straight and I can't fault him for not reciprocating those feelings. I still really wonder about his sexuality for all the reasons I've mentioned already, but if he is gay or bisexual, he is much further behind me in the process and I need to respect that if he even has to work through that, he isn't at a point in his life when he can work through it.

So I probably need to move on. It is difficult because he is someone that I really feel I can be myself with and I get the sense that goes for him too. He once told me that he feels like his girlfriend doesn't even know the 'real him'. I mean wtf does that mean. I just really worry that I'm going to have trouble finding a guy that's right for me.

mnguy you are exactly right that meeting someone who is out and single will be much more healthy and I think I am going to focus on that for the time being. It is really hard being in an area with such a small LGBT presence. I wish it was easier for me to change my geographic situation but I need to make sure that any move is a wise move both personally and professionally. In time I can change it but it may take a while.

Also I need to figure out when and how and who I want to come out to next.

So, all said, an unexceptional resolution to the story for now. I just wish there was a greater indication that things were going to get better. Coming out to this point hasn't produced exceptional results yet, which makes it hard to feel like I'm doing the right thing. Have others had similar experiences?

As always, thanks for reading and replying. Sorry if this entry is long and disjointed- I wrote it over 3-4 sittings so I hope it flows okay.

 

I hope so Choirboy! I think it is one of those things that the words were said, but the actions are yet to be seen. And we know which ones speak louder. Despite the good conversation, I am worried we will drift apart from here, but time will tell. Hope you had a nice weekend!