Coming out at 31: my update

I started a free email account in 2003 when I was 20 years old. I kept this email account a secret. Kept the username and password in my head. And I would write in it when I was sad or frustrated about being gay and closeted or about straight guys I liked. I would vent about other frustrations in my life but the overarching theme was my frustration with being homosexual. Writing has always helped me get my thoughts straightened out (no pun intended!) and I always feel better after I write. This email account has basically been my diary and when I look back through over 11 years of entries, it's a little painful. It's a little alarming to look back and see how many things HAVEN'T changed in that period. It's the same cycle over and over again. It's amazing how much I can block out. It's nice to be able to go back and see what I was thinking at the point, since I seem to have a fairly selective memory.

Anyways, I haven't written in it since I broke up with my girlfriend in early April. The most recent entry (2 days before the breakup):

"A lot of events have transpired over the last few weeks and months that have made me take a look at where my life is now and where I'd like it to be, and how much of a disparity there is between those two things. I have kept this bottled up for too long and I've begun to realize that life is going to pass me by quickly. There's no use holding things back when really I just want to be happy."

I wanted to write in it today because I feel like there have been developments in my life. However, I figured I would write it here. I have found this forum hugely helpful in a number of ways. I have become kind of a regular and have found it helpful to follow others' stories of people who are going through this at the same time as me. I am so thankful for everyone's advice. These are really my inner thoughts and this is my diary. Maybe someone can read it and find hope. Maybe it will help someone. Or maybe it will sink down the list of other threads in this forum and that's OK with me.

I have come out to 4 people in my life at this point. Two gay friends (a couple), a man I am secretly in love with ("Jake"), and a very close female friend (former coworker) who I have known for nearly ten years. Coming out to my female friend happened two days ago. We didn't talk much two days ago but we talked on the phone for nearly two hours yesterday. We talked about pretty much everything. Talking about this with somebody who knows me in real life was hugely helpful.

I told her that I was gay but that I am also attracted to women. She seemed confused that I wouldn't identify as bisexual. My justification is that, although I find women attractive, I am pretty certain that I want to be with another man. Everything with my recent gf and Jake have taught me this. I thought the label of bisexual might be misleading. Maybe I will one day find the woman of my dreams, but I think it's rather unlikely.

I have come to realize that really what I fear is not coming out but rather not meeting the love of my life. She gave me all sorts of dating advice... and I had to explain that I'd been through the gay online dating scene before only to meet lots of frustration. I wasn't planning on it, but I ended up telling her everything about Jake. I don't know what is going on with him. He has been really busy with work and we haven't had much chance to talk. I don't know if he has feelings for me, I still flip-flop hourly about it, but if he does I don't know that he has time to process them. Telling her all this was really helpful because it made me realize that I'm not ready to date, and I'm OK with that. For the moment, I'm actually happy being single, and that felt good to realize. I kind of want to be sad about him for a while. I don't want to wait forever for him. It is weird feeling like a basket case and speculating so much about a man that very well may have no interest in me. But I need to take time for that for myself and with time I'll be ready to move on if he doesn't come around. I never thought I'd be ready to come out but, with time, here I am, getting the ball rolling.

I told her that this process will probably be slow. She asked if I would tell my family in person. I told her I haven't even gotten that far yet. I still have to tell my two best friends (a married couple)- my "all-time BFFs" if you will. Telling them will go fine, I suspect, but the thought is scary. From there I will tell a couple more people in my "inner circle" and go from there. I can't think much beyond that.

I think all this has helped me identify all the things in my life that aren't making me happy. I realized that it took hitting a low point to do that. I wouldn't say I was ever clinically depressed, but I felt like things could rapidly plummet to that if I didn't make a change. I have worked too hard in my life to accept an unhappy life. Identifying those things- I hope- will help me change what I need to change. Since talking to her I feel better about my life. For the moment, I am happier. I feel like things are moving up. I don't want to be naively optimistic. I know there will be hurdles and there will be times when I am lonely and sad, but for now I feel good about things. I want to meet the love of my life... he has to be out there... I am not ready to actively search for him right now, but I think when I'm ready that will become apparent.

As recently as a few months ago I was certain I'd never let this secret get out. I was determined to live a standard straight man life. I haven't figured it all out yet, but getting proactive about my happiness seems like an important step right now. I'm still worried about finding it, but I'm sure as hell going to try.

I'm probably preaching to the choir, because if you're here you have likely thought about these things before. But to anyone lurking around and wondering, talk to a counselor. Or a friend. Or just keep reading threads on here. Just be true to yourself and do things for yourself, not what others want for you or what others think you should be doing. I haven't fully embraced that advice yet, but working on it feels good.

 

I am glad to hear that you enjoyed reading this. In this process I have found that writing my thoughts down is pretty helpful. They're here for whoever wants to read them. If they help you, great. Hearing from you guys is helpful for me. I have these serene moments sometimes (like when I wrote this first post) and other times where I feel like this whole thing is such a mess! One step at a time, I suppose...

 

I have been traveling for work a lot recently and have been pretty busy, and consequently not on EC much. Just wanted to update anyone who has been following me. After not coming out to anyone more for about a month, I finally told my two closest friends last night. I had actually been visiting them for the whole weekend and could never find a time to bring it up in conversation.... on my way back I wrote them a letter and sent it. So far I haven't been able to come out to anybody just in conversation- I've always needed to write a letter- but for me so far this strategy seems to work. Coming out to them was totally fine. They are basically like family to me and it was nice to be honest with them.

A lot of people have told me that coming out is very freeing... and that with every person you tell you feel a little bit more free. I can't say I have appreciated that, or that sense of relief, just yet. Maybe I will pick up some momentum from here but for now I need at least a few days to let coming out to them sink in with me. I keep waiting to feel happy about all of this but I haven't reached that point yet. It makes me wonder whether this is the right thing to do- and I always eventually reach the conclusion that it IS the right thing to do, but I haven't been all that happy about it.

Being out of town and visiting old friends has made me realize that I am pretty unhappy in my current living and job situation. I am pretty eager to move to a new town (no personal/emotional attachment to my current town) but I need a good job to come along. Frustratingly I think I have resolved that meeting someone in this town is extremely unlikely but I'm trying to keep my eye out.

And as far as Jake goes- for anyone that has been following my story with him- I guess things are going nowhere at the moment. I am still really hung up on him. We have been talking less recently - I don't know if it has anything to do with me coming out to him. I think it probably doesn't. He is working a lot and I need to get over myself. When we talk the conversations are usually good but I feel he is initiating them less and less. I saw him last weekend and we spent a lot of time talking... talking about ideas he has of the two of us going on trips together... he's even talked to me about us starting a business together. So I don't think he is trying to get rid of me- but I hate that there's never any time- with him working nearly every day. I guess it bothers me because deep down I really believe there is something there. Something that I don't even know that he realizes- something that I don't know the conditions will ever be right for- and I need to decide if I can wait for something that very well may not be there.

I don't understand why he won't break up with a girl he admittedly doesn't love, why he says he doesn't think he will ever find a fulfilling relationship, and why he says he has to figure out what he really wants. While I never have received physical clues from him, the friendship is pretty intimate emotionally and I have trouble believing that this is all in my head.

Anyways, in short, I have come out to two very important people in my life, which is great. I wish I was happier but at this point I think I'm getting there. I wish my feelings for somebody else weren't playing such an integral role in this process but I guess you deal with the cards that were dealt to you and see how it goes.

As always, comments and criticisms welcome . Thanks all for reading. Hope you are all well.

 

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Thanks everyone for the messages.

On a whim, I decided to come out to another friend on Tuesday night. She is my age and came out as a lesbian two years ago. It felt good to open up that much more. The numbers are growing. She told me she was very happy for me and happy I decided to tell her and she was excited for me because she knew what was just around the corner from me. That was nice to hear. Of the LGBT friends I have told so far, that seems to be a fairly consistent message, which is reassuring.

In short I have nearly doubled the number of people I have told in the last 72 hours. It feels good but I am going to slow down for a while, for no other reason that I feel like taking a step back and thinking about things for a bit. In that way, it kind of feels good. I think my mind is beginning to open up a little bit.... it's a slow process... but for once I can conceive of what a happy 'out' life might be like. I feel like I have no way of predicting how fast (or slow) it will go at this point.

I would love some advice on what to do with my friend Jake. I briefly touched on him in my post a few days ago. I think I strategically understated that we haven't been talking as much, in an attempt to minimize melodrama. To summarize, we have spoken very little over the last 2-3 weeks or so (I came out to him 5-6 weeks ago). I did see him for the night a couple weeks ago (as I had mentioned) and things seemed normal then, but other than that, he has kind of stopped initiating contact with me. We used to be in touch almost every day, he would tell me things going on at work, he would ask about me. I'd say we initiated contact fairly evenly. But almost out of nowhere, it just stopped. He usually replies to me, but when he replies it is minimal. My birthday was actually a few days ago, and I never heard a word from him. I've heard nothing from him in days. We are both on social media although he rarely uses his- he roughly knew my birthday was coming up. I would not have minded if he was a day or so off. It's not like he needs to make a big deal out of a birthday, but it did hurt my feelings, that it didn't seem like he cared. His birthday happened shortly before he moved away in the fall- we made a big deal of it- I remember he invited me back to his and his girlfriend's house to have a piece of cake that she made for him- and when I got home he thanked me for making his birthday good and telling me what a good friend I was. I haven't contacted him any more frequently than every 3-4 days. I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but it hurt me and I don't know what to do. Simply put, he might just be busy. He might have problems of his own going on. It isn't ALWAYS about me even though sometimes I wish it was .

All along I knew he could very well be straight. It's not like I feel like I deserve for him to want me. For a couple weeks after coming out, everything was pretty normal. Then suddenly everything changed. When I saw him, again, things were pretty normal. But could he want to dial the friendship down a notch? I am pretty certain that I never did or said anything that would make him feel uncomfortable during this time frame. Possibly he reflected back to earlier things that suggested I had feelings for him. I don't know. Feelings or not, I'd be willing to accept a platonic friendship with him that was/is as deep as ours has been... if I just knew where he stood.

I know he's busy, but he always made time for me before. I wish he still wanted to confide in me. I wish he wanted to hear about what I'm going through. When I initially came out to him he told me that he is always just a phone call away, but now I can't even tell that he cares.

I don't want to necessarily make a big deal out of this. The events of the last few days with my other friends have made me consider that it may just be better to let him go and let the pieces fall where they may. But, to me, straight-gay-bi-whatever-you-are this was never just any other friendship. Not to me and not to him. He had on several occasions told me that I was his best friend, his only friend, one of his closest friends, etc. I guess I have half a mind to just tell him everything and accept that if he doesn't like it then our friendship could well be over... that that might even be better than this. Or rather maybe there is some happy medium in between.

As always, thanks for advice.

 

Thanks to all of you for your very thoughtful replies. They are extremely helpful.

@SaleGayGuy: I have wondered about this. I wonder about this a lot. And I want it to be true. I really, really, really, really want it to be true (No but seriously, I want it to be true). And in some ways I think it is true, but I don't know. I have been talking to a counselor and I think sometimes she is surprised at those things that he has said to me. She has suggested to me that maybe he truly is deep in the closet. Maybe he doesn't have the awareness of his orientation as I do. And maybe he won't for another decade, or ever. Maybe he will get married- maybe he will even marry this girl- maybe he will have a few kids and in twenty years realize what I'm realizing today. Or maybe he's just a naive straight Midwestern farm boy who made a great new friend and now this great new friend has delivered him some really surprising news. I just don't know.

If I had to guess, regardless of his sexuality, I think he isn't sure how to act or how to respond. I don't think he's ever had a close friend that is gay.... and for that matter neither really have I, so it's only fair for me to respect that that may be his perspective. I think you are exactly right when you say that he might not want to be associated with me as I come out to more people. At this point I have not come out to anybody in my current city (totally fine with me as I'm not really close to anyone here); I've only come out to people from previous chapters of my life. In my current city, our bromance has always been very obvious and has been a friendly joke among friends, and it still is even though he has moved away, so I'm sure this could be a source of insecurity for him (no matter his orientation). At this point, though, because he hasn't asked me since I came out to him in early May, he has no idea who I have come out to.

On a brief side note, I expected lots of questions when I was coming out. I have told some very close friends- friends that know I trust and respect them whole-heartedly (even LGBT friends)- and I have been surprised how few questions any of my friends have asked. The thing is, I WANT them to ask questions. I want to share things, but I don't want to force it on them.

When I found out that one of my housemates during my 20s was gay, I never told my parents... as I thought (irrationally) that this may expose me as gay. He and I were never even super close, but I assumed my parents would figure that me living with a gay man meant I was probably gay. In hindsight, my insecurity had everything to do with my orientation. When I came out to Jake, he took it upon himself to assure me that he would never tell his girlfriend (current coworker of mine) which I considered very sweet and kind of him... With this tactic he may be protecting himself as well.

Growing up through elementary school and high school, I have had a few friends that ended up being gay. I'm sure there is some subconsious magnetism associated with that. I was pretty awkward and confused during puberty- and for some reasons that I have probably forgotten about, I subconsiously or consciously began gravitating toward straight, masculine friends... like some form of overcompensation.

Anyways, I will probably give him a few more days and reach out to him after the weekend or so if I haven't heard from him. Depending on how the conversation goes (assuming I can get in touch with him), I may just bring up my coming out again- to see if that breaks the ice. If my efforts to contact him beyond that are unsuccessful, then I guess I'll just have to give him time. As usual, it's very likely I'm blowing this out of proportion. This is a tough time and I'm pretty lonely to boot. Whether we are talking daily or not- and no matter what his orientation is- he has always been a kind friend to me and I need to remember that.

Again, thank you all for the advice. I am so happy I found EC and I am certain that a lot of the progress I have made thus far is because of the support of those I have 'met' on here. This is a tough situation for me to be in but knowing I am not alone is really reassuring. No matter what happens with him, I am making progress on other fronts of my life and- really- that is very important. As long as I keep that going I should be OK.

 

It's been over a week since I've heard from him and not even a peep since then. In the year that we have been friends we have never gone more than 3-4 days without talking - even when one of us has been on vacation or something. I feel like I talk like we are in a relationship - which we aren't - but there is something to be said for precedent. And the fact that in the past several weeks he hasn't initiated a single one of our conversations.

I plan to call him tonight and ask him what's going on. I like @marriedover50's approach. I hate blowing things out of proportion but, even if it's nothing, my feelings are a little hurt. I'm not sure how much of it has to do with my newly disclosed sexuality.

Wish me luck. Have others felt a close friend has distanced themselves from you after you came out to them? I hope a phone conversation (if I can get a hold of him) clears the air, helping me move on in this process.