Coming out at 31: my update

Thanks everyone for the support. I do think that you both are right that telling him might be the best thing. The thought of telling him everything is exciting because I do think it would be a relief, but I don't know when or if I will.

I am kind of longing for that brave "don't give a ****" moment to come about and I need to muster some courage in the meantime. Sometimes I wish I were more impulsive.

It seems that writing letters is the only way I can really get this personal stuff out. I wrote him a letter in May when I came out to him. I wrote him a letter in June when he was giving me the cold shoulder..... writing him another letter feels more cringeworthy and cowardly than anything. My stomach gets in knots just thinking about it.

A simple hint that I might like him isn't really enough for me, either. I think I'd want to spill everything.

I can't promise that anything will happen with this anytime soon, but you have definitely got the gears turning... Stay tuned. Will try to not do too much whining in the meantime.

 

Thanks SGG! You always provide good food for thought. This plan might be a little tough for a few reasons... first, I am a terrible liar- besides successfully covering up my sexuality for many many years, I don't think I could pull it off. Second, at this point, I don't want to pollute our friendship with half-truths which might enable this to be more of a charade than it already has been. And last, I think if I were to propose something like that to him, I don't think he would be crestfallen. I think that maybe that gives me my answer.

I guess in my mind I speculate that he's like a lot of the guys I have 'met' on here- guys that never considered that they may not be 100% straight- guys that were never that happy with being with women. I was actually pretty aware of my sexuality from an early age and even so it took me an extremely long time to understand (not even accept, but understand) that pursuing relationships with women would never fulfill me. If this is the case, he may not realize it for years- he may not realize it until he gets married and start a family. I guess I want him to see things my way. I want him to consider me as a potential partner, because I don't know if he ever has.

I wrote a letter to him yesterday to this effect but did not send it and I don't think I ever will. It seemed so rude to speculate to him on what I think HIS sexuality is. The letter started off good but ended up feeling like I was almost guilt tripping him, which is so lame and ridiculous. And even if he isn't 100% straight, it doesn't mean he wants to come out or make a man his longterm partner.

I think if I lived in an area where it was easier to explore my sexuality and meet men I might not be in this situation. It would be really good to meet more gay men but I am having a hard time doing that.

 

It's been a while since I posted and I feel like writing this morning.

Since my last post, Jake and I have barely spoken. There were a couple of phone calls since I saw him but when we spoke, they were 15-20 minute conversations that ended because it seemed like there was nothing to talk about. After that there were one or two minimal text conversations- mostly initiated by me. Two weeks ago or so I simply stopped contacting him and I have heard nothing back from him. Judging from his social media he is already getting in deep with this other girl and I guess he is caught up with that. Of course she is posting pictures of how great this new relationship is. I wonder if he is happy and I guess I hope that he his but more of me just wonders if I even want to be friends with him anymore. Man, I just feel like such a fool. I feel like he led me on and he used me because I was someone who listened to him until he found somebody new that would give him attention. I'm not saying the friendship is definitely over, but I feel like it might be and I feel like I might be OK with that. I'm supposed to go visit him in a few weeks to go to a concert- I think there are a few of his friends who have tickets with us, probably including this new girl but I don't know because I haven't talked to him in so long. I really want to see the concert but I don't even know if I want to go. I don't know if I'll have fun and I don't get the feeling that he evens gives a sh*t if I go. I hate feeling like the needy friend that wants a lot of reassurance but my feelings are hurt that he seems to have lost any interest in me or my life.

The good news is that I do think I am getting over him and I think that this indefinite period of distance has probably been good for me. I'm a little sad to think that this friendship is failing but admittedly having him out of my life might be a bit of a relief. The current give-and-take balance in our friendship doesn't really make it worth it for me. I realize that friends drift in and out of our worlds is part of life and I guess he is too selfish or disinterested to care about me.

As for the rest of life, I think things are a little better. I met a guy last week online who lives near me and is a few years younger than me. We have hung out a couple times. I don't think that we are quite a romantic match or that he will be a future best friend but he is pleasant to be around and I enjoy his company. He is also in the process of coming out which is helpful. He has been going to a LGBT support group in a nearby city and I think I am going to join him at some point in the next few weeks.

I am still looking to get out of my current job. I can't be done or move away soon enough. The work environment I am in is kind of toxic and the job really just isn't a good fit for me. The prospect of moving to Jake's city is still very much on the table but if it does happen it wouldn't be until late spring/early summer at the earliest (ugh!). The thought of moving to his city is strange but I would really be moving for the job as I don't know that the closeness of our friendship will ever be restored. If that job doesn't work out, I don't know what I'll do. I'm tempted to move home but it would be hard for me to be employed in my current field where my family lives, so there would be some major personal life decisions to make.

Overall I think things are getting better. Maybe Jake and I will stay friends but it seems like a one-way street recently and I can't be bothered with putting any more effort into something like that.

Anyways, boarding a plane to see some friends this weekend so I better wrap this up! It will be good to see them. Happy Saturday everybody.

 

Thanks! He ended up calling me to say hi last week but there wasn't much to talk about- he said he had to go and he'd call me the next day but he didn't, and that's OK. It hurts a lot less and this distance is so much healthier if it isn't going to be a relationship. I definitely won't give up on the friendship and I'll see him for the concert coming up and beyond that we will just see what happens.

Calgary- I think I'll probably go to the support group for the first time tomorrow night. I think I'm looking forward to it- I'm worried about not enjoying it but we will see. I haven't come out to anybody in a few months but I'm working on meeting people and figuring out where I can move to next. All progress, at least I hope so. It's definitely scary telling old friends! Do you know when you will?

 

Hi mav! Thanks for checking in. I have been lurking quite a bit recently, not posting much but reading through the threads somewhat regularly. Overall things have been comparatively good.

As far as updates to my story goes... I have been out of the country for a couple weeks for a work meeting. When I arrived I checked out the gay app (we're supposed to not use names, yes?), I saw a profile of a guy who I thought was quite attractive. Next day at the meeting, this guy is there too (or at least I was pretty sure it was him). Later that day, I look him up on non-gay social media and lo and behold it appears that we share mutual friends- i.e. one of my gay friends (the first guy that I ever came out to) and my friend's ex-boyfriend, which certainly started turning some gears. While drooling over his pictures all of a sudden the 'Friend Request Sent' message pops up! Totally mortifying! Anyways, request rescinded immediately but this guy ends up messaging my friend and asking about me and also my sexuality. Long story short, technology helped us start talking to each other - we have a lot in common - and we've sparked up something a fling while away. It's a first for me - we've shared a bed a few nights. It would be awkward professionally if others knew what was going on so there's a lot of sneaking around - especially since I'm not out to anyone here - but for me it's been really good, and really fun. I don't know if I would pursue a relationship with this guy if we did live in the same place, but it's reassuring to meet a guy that I'm into and to experience the things that are so much more fun than when I had girlfriends - even stupid simple companion things like sitting in bed some nights and just watching tv or doing work. I go back home in a few days so it will be a little sad to see this end.

The sneaking around has made me think a little bit more about how I feel about not being out. The thought of going public with a relationship like this was surprisingly frightening so I clearly still have some things to work out and I need to think about that when I get home. Again, I don't think that this guy is my soulmate or anything, but certainly poorer heterosexual matches have forged relationships for longer. So I do need to deal with that. I really need to consider telling my family but I'll only see them for the holidays and it sounds like then is a big no-no!

The support group I was going to before I left town for work ended up being pretty worthwhile. The friend who brought me there (that I mentioned in my last post) is good. While I find him attractive and initiating sexual things with him is tempting, I enjoy his friendship and I don't want to pollute it with fleeting sexual interests if "someone I like more" comes along. The group has helped me meet a couple more people in my town who are going or have gone through similar things, which is nice. I am, however, still dreadfully unhappy with my job and to a lesser degree the town that I'm in. Even though I have made a few more friends recently (work friends I am not out to and gay friends that I am out to), most of these people are temporary as well and are looking to move on within the next year or so. University towns like mine foster a population that is just way too transient. If I wasn't single it might be different, but I don't think that living here is the right thing. The job in Jake's city is still very much on the table and recent news suggests that it may be promising, but still nothing concrete will develop for at least 6 months. Waiting is the worst. Professionally that would be an awesome move and I hope that it would be better personally as well. If it doesn't work out I really need to come up with an exit plan for my job...

As for Jake, I did end up going to see the concert with him and his new girlfriend and a few others a couple weeks ago. It was OK. He seemed sincerely happy to see me and was very grateful that I had made the trip particularly because it coincided with his birthday. It shouldn't surprise anyone that I thought his new girlfriend was positively awful ... she probably never stood a chance. And although this may make me sound like a horrible judgmental person, I was fairly unimpressed with her... she is a little younger but overall seems immature and unintelligent. She was a little possessive of him. PDA between the two of them was excessive at best. Constant hand holding, hugging, kissing... they must have kissed a minimum of 50 times in the span of a few hours... while we were waiting in line for the concert they were basically making out and he was mumbling 'I love you so much' to her. I am likely biased, but it was unnecessary and uncomfortable. I mean, this guy is approaching 30. This is not normal behavior. It made the concert less fun for sure. I was going to say something to him but the time never came up. Earlier that night at a bar he had asked me what I thought of her and told me that my opinion matters a lot to him because I'm very level-headed about relationships and stuff (LOL?). I was caught a bit off-guard so I just said that I hadn't spent much time with her but she seemed fine and if she made him happy then that was what mattered. He said that he really likes her and that she's everything his ex isn't. If he asks another time, I really do think I'd go into everything and into why it's going to be virtually impossible for me to ever like any bimbo that he rushes into dating. That sounds so awful, I know, but the words just stem from a lot of hurt.

I still think he's very confused in general. He might have no issues regarding his sexuality, but he has certainly has issues with relationship, love, and attention. It was honestly very interesting to see him in this light- to see something so unattractive and unappealing in him. So, honestly that's probably really good. We've still been talking but very infrequently. Again, there isn't much to talk about this point. And that's fine. I'm still his friend and I will be there for him for whatever or whenever. If I end up moving there, we will see what happens. If I don't, I expect we'll just drift further apart, and that may be what is best.

So you asked for an update and you get a novel

Thanks to everyone who reads all of it.

 

@dutchwaffles: Thanks for your note! I'm glad this helped. It's still definitely something that is a work-in-progress. I have a looooong way to go, but it's a process in every sense of the word- and a good process at that. It's such a long process that I'm not even 31 anymore . I would love to read your story if you decide to share it.

Sorry for the lack of updates. I haven't been on EC much recently, which I think is because the coming-out process has slowly drifted down my priority list. I don't know why exactly that has happened. I have tried to meet gay guys in my area but have not had much luck finding anybody that I really click with, even as friends. The university town that I live in is not a great place for singles in their thirties, particularly for gay singles, and especially for gay singles still riding around on their training wheels.

On top of this, my social life has improved in the sense that I have formed a fulfilling, albeit small, group of (straight) friends here through my work. I am still working on a new job in a new city and I had kind of resolved that I didn't want to come out at work for a number of reasons. Those reasons don't cause me a lot of stress and I am pretty much at peace and am comfortable with that decision. So I haven't come out to them. I don't actively try to hide my sexuality, or pretend to be straight. At the moment, my sexuality is not a major source of stress for me, and I don't feel like going through the rigmarole of sharing it as I don't see it accomplishing a lot for me personally. If I had plans to stay where I am long-term, this may be different, but I am hopeful that in the next few months my plans will be ironed out. I sometimes worry that I'm retreating back into the closet, but I don't worry about this a lot right now. I have kind of decided that I will make a substantial jump out of the closet once I do move and start a new job. My primary worry is that I'm going to chicken out when that time comes.

As for moving, I am hopeful that this will happen soon and I wish it hadn't been taking so long! The job in Jake's city that I mentioned months ago is still on the table and moving slowly. There are actually two companies hiring in that city (basically top-notch jobs for my field)- I interviewed at one a few weeks ago and the other (the "original" job) is coming up in a few weeks. Fingers crossed that one of them works out. Jake being there doesn't have a lot to do with that sentiment anymore - just that I hope and I suspect that living there would be so much better for me personally and professionally. I don't think either company will be selecting somebody until June or so, so there is still. more. waiting. If neither of those work out there are a couple of other options on the backburner that are also in more urban areas.

As for Jake, he's still around. Over the last few months our communication has become pretty infrequent. We may chat a little every couple of weeks, mostly about work stuff, really nothing personal. He's still with the 'new' girlfriend and he doesn't complain to me about her like he did all the time with his ex, so I can only assume that he is happy. I have resolved my feelings for him for the most part, which is a much healthier place for me to be in.

I was in his city for the interview a few weeks ago and I didn't know if I was going to see him. I honestly wasn't sure if I wanted to see him. He offered for me to stay with him for the night before I went home. I really didn't want to stay with him if his girlfriend was going to be around. I didn't care for her when I met her in November and it was a little uncomfortable being around them then. And even if it was just me and him, there hasn't been much to talk about since we don't seem to open up to each other much anymore. Regardless, I think he wanted to meet up and I didn't want to be a flake, so we met up for a meal and a beer before I hit the road. He asked if his girlfriend could come too. I felt like there wasn't much of an option.

It was nice to see him. I get frustrated because he does seem to possess a lot of what I'm looking for in a guy and I think if we were to start being around each other a lot then our old (platonic) dynamic would resume pretty quickly. A few hours after I left his city he sent me a text message that said this:

"Hey man I hope your drive is going well, I just wanted to tell you that it was really good to see you and I really miss hanging out with you"

I waited a while and replied:

"Thanks man- it is nice to hear that. I really hope that we will solve that problem in the next few months. And of course it was great seeing you too."

It really was nice to hear that from him. It was a tone I hadn't heard from him in a long time. He didn't reply after that. I can't read into it, but I still think it's an unusual thing for one man to say to a platonic male friend, but that's just me. I still speculate but reading into it in the past has only created stress for me. If I move there, we will see what happens. If I don't, I think we will continue to drift apart. And that's life and I guess it's fine. Holding a candle for him is clearly the wrong decision.

So, long story as per usual. Overall, I'm good. I haven't moved forward with coming out in quite some time and I really haven't told that many people. However, a year ago telling somebody that 'I'm gay' seemed incomprehensible. When I did tell people, it was terrifying and painful. Whenever I start telling more people, I am thinking it will be more along the lines of telling people that I'm gay, but I'm okay with it, and that overall I'm okay.

I still worry about telling my family. I think they will be fine with it, and they probably already suspect it, and they probably won't be surprised, but it is going to be a difficult step. And my biggest worry of all is not meeting the right guy. I need to move somewhere more gay-friendly but unfortunately that can't be an instantaneous change...