In love with my straight best friend

Here we go again. Please don't judge me. I know that I have a problem with this boy. He is my addiction and I realize that. I have him head earlier and I enjoyed it he got hard but it doesn't make me happy. I mean it's satisfying but internally it doesn't do anything for me. I do love and I do myself being with him, however I use to think that I was able to change him and I now realize that when you love someone you have to love them for who they are. That's my mistake. I loved him for whom I thought he was going to become. He really is a great guy regardless of what we've been through. Now I will use everything in my power to move on. I am going to make a list of all of the things that I don't like about him only including some of the things he did to me. Example: he has a small penis, he used me, don't like his attitude, etc... We still have plans for next weekend but I don't think I want to follow through with our vacation anymore. I cannot lie though. I don't know how to say no when he wants me to give him head. Earlier today I was not planning in giving him head but when he text me I knew what he wanted. We were texting etc. and we were talking about how I was going to give him head and he said "it's extra juicy today come get it" just that right there was all it took for me to go over and give him head. You guys are probably annoyed with my posts since I keep going back to him.

 

"yeah you always say that. Im tired of you telling me the same shit over and over just get over it and move on. I don't like you that simple!" his text after I pour my heart out to him. Oooooouch it hurts but i think that i get the point now if i didn't get it before now i do. I am going to save this text just so when I feel like texting him, I look at this and I realize why i should not text him.

 

Maaaaan, all of this has really taken a toll on me. I've been depress this whole week. I now know how serious his problem is. I confronted him about it again and I told him I was going over to tell his parents. He was very upset and threatened to kill me. I told him to follow through with it that way he can end all of this. It was 10-15mins of hardcore arguing. Then things got better. He asked me to give him a chance. That he was going to quit. Something I've heard numerous times and he has not stopped taking pills. I still love him. I care about him but I told him that I no longer like him. I really want to help I just don't know what to do or where to go anymore. I'm even thinking about quitting school. That's how bad all of this is getting to me. I'm just a mess right now. I don't know where I am going

 

Someguy82, thank for taking the time to reply to me. So today I decided that enough was enough. I text him and I told him it'll be best if he no longer contacts and ill do the same. He asked me why and I replied "I just need to get away from you. I care and I sorry too much about you. I just don't know how not to care about you." He said "do not worry about I'm good. I'm going to sober up next year" but just the other day I text him saying that I was not going to give up in him. And now I am giving up in him. There are days that I feel I am strong enough to be there for him. But it kills me to know that he is still taking pills. It kills me inside. I know it's best that I focus my time and energy on myself, but I just want all of this to end already. I want not to care about him, think or worry about. I want nothing to do with him. And to be honest, it's my fault for putting myself in this position. I can't blame him I blame myself. But I truly hope I follow through and not text him. Ill keep you guys posted as to what happens next. I need to focus on writing my damn school paper

 

Here we go again. So him and I talked but this time it's different. I told him I was dating someone although it's a lie. I told him that I wanted to forget a out him that's why I decided to date this guy. He said he was happy for me but he got a bit jealous. I told him I was spending the night at his house and that we were going for breakfast and he asked me "why are you telling me what you guys do?" I said "it's just a way to keep the conversation going. Well he got mad and then asked for us to drop the subject. And today when we were texting he said "I am glad you found someone that makes you happy. I am happy for you. I don't think we should be friends. I appreciate everything choice done for me. If you ever need anything you can call me. Which I doubt cause I am useless." So today I was suppose to give him head which I ended up making up an excuse that I was going to be hanging out with my imaginary partner. He said "I am going to be up all night and I am going to the movies so text me if you are down." Keep in mind that he wanted me to pay him to give him head. Which I don't mind but I rather stop. He said "I am getting to the movies now text me later" I followed by saying "aaaaw man I wanted to stop by before going to his place. He said "well the movie she wants to watch was not available so goin back home. Stop by now if you want to give me head." I said "I can't now but just text me when you drop off your girl. Stop texting me when you are with her don't be a dick. Take her to dinner or something." At this point I knew he wanted to get me jealous but I managed to play it cool. He said "why are you tripping?" I said "I am not i am just looking out for her. It's dude to be with someone and text ill text you later bye." So before all of this I had asked him if he thought I would make him cum?" And he said idk maybe so when he was with his girl supposedly he text me this out of nowhere "I don't think you want to make me cum since she just made me cum hahahahah" I didn't reply back to that I just think it's weird that he is trying to make me jealous? Isn't it weird or am I reading to much into it? This is going to sound crazy but, my imaginary partner is helping me get over him⛪. I hope I am not going crazy. Also, when were he said "we've been hanging g out all afternoon etc. but him and I were texting all day lol I asked him if I was good at giving him head and be said "yes and you've gotten better lmao" I was afraid of letting him go but now I am ready for all of this to end. And if he decides to leave there is nothing I can do stop him unlike before when I was going crazy lol

 

This is the only place where I can express my true self. Latham, thank you for reading and replying. You are probably going to hate me. Well today I gave him head. We got a hotel room and he smoked weed. While I was giving him head, I got mad and just walked out. I dropped him off and I didn't even say a word to him. I have into temptation. Then I text him how I hate him and I even called him a faggot. I said "what type of guy will let another guy give him head?" I just went off on him. Literally I was so upset. I told him that it his fault for putting me in this mess and that I can careless about him. I told him not to text me or call me again for the rest of his life. 5minutes later we were friends agin lol. However, I suggested for us to give each other space. To not talk for a while and he agreed. He asked me how long and he suggested days and I said "idk but will both know when the time is right. Whether it is days, weeks, months or years." He asked "years?" And I said "yes, even if it's years." Then I poured my heart out to him. I told him that I loved him and that although I knew he was straight I still had the possibility of him and I being together. Exploring the world and just making a life together. Making each other enter, no labels no titles just my life partner. I said "I know I can make you happy but I can't force you to like me either which I understand." He said "being happy and loving someone are two different things and I replied "happiness can lean to love, just like love can lead into hate." I followed by saying that time apart will help me get my act together and so did he. I also told him, "I'm not going to wait for you forever you know. One day I might find someone and it'll be too late for us to be together hahahahah" and he didn't reply back to that. I know I have a problem with this kid. He is my addiction. But I also feel that I can change him and that my biggest problem. I cannot change him. I feel like I can help him but I cannot. But how do I move on when I know he has an addiction that can possibly kill him? How can I just forget about the person I love? How can I move one without worrying about him? I guess I live in my own world and I truly believe that people can change. I am also very religious and I ask God for forgiveness and guidance. I know I've been a mess lately and I can feel it because I have not been myself. I can't justify my wrongs I have no excuses and I don't like excuses. I guess I just love him and only time will tell where we go and what happens next. Your advice is always welcomed. At times, I feel like not giving up on him, I feel like it's worth fighting for. But I am tired of feeling hopeless, sad and empty inside. I just want to go back to my old self where I was happy, positive and just simply loving my life. I even feel like I am letting all of this affect my family as well. They notice when I am sad. I just can't tell people any of this. I am a good person, with a good heart but all of this has lead me to doing things that I wouldn't normally do. I am very blessed but it's just this that's taking a toll on me.

 

Luthan, I really needed to bread what you just posted. Thank you again for always taking your time to read and reply. You don't even know how much this kid means to. He means the world to me. He is such am amazing person and it's hard for me to understand his addiction. I've been doing a lot of research and I just get more scared of it. My biggest fear is loosing him. Getting a phone call that he is no longer here. And I agree, I do have to step back and see how things end up with him and I. I cannot lie I've been such a mess lately. I dream and think about him constantly and I don't think I am obsessed with him I just don't understand why he takes those stupid pills? I have to have more faith in God and realize that everything will be ok. Again, thank you. I cannot sit here and at that I am not going to talk to him again since I said that numerous times and I always end up texting him or calling him. This time I'm just going to do it.

 

Scanner007,
Thank you for replying. I absolutely think you are right on point with everything that you said. There are no excuses to justify my wrongs. I know it is wrong of me giving him money for sex. We both manipulate one another and are very good at getting our way. Before all of this turn into this mess, I was truly happy with him. I didn't care about having sex with him. I was happy just to talk to him. I've been liking/loving this kid for more than 2years now. You have no idea how much I tried to get him off pills. I put all of my time and energy on him hoping that he would stop. Money I was giving him for weed he was using it for pills. Gifts I would buy him, he would sell them for money. I was devastated but I truly thought that I could help him change. I know I am a horrible perso for giving money in return of sex knowing that money will go towards pills. Before we started having sex for money, I told him that we didn't have to do any of this. If he wanted the money I would just simply give it to him. Not that I am trying to justify my wrongs. Tell me, how do I walk away when the person you love is in danger and don't know what to do to help him? How do I move on and stop worrying about him? How can I ease the pain? Him and I can stop having sex and ill be fine. I don't rely on that to make me happy. I care about talking to him and just going Back to how it use to be. I got myself caught up on all this mess thinking that I am strong enough to help him but I am weak. I feel that the pills are not only bringing him Dow, but myself as well. I've told him that not to lie to me. If he wanted pills to tell and I would get them for him. I know he is not ready to stop. I just honestly feel that I do want to change and make things right but at this point I don't know how. He is such an amazing person and it's hard for me to walk away and just leave him there when I know he has so much potential on being something amazing. His passion is music. I even told him I would buy him a music studio if he stopped taking pills. Believe when I tell you that ill do anything and everything to help him. I even told him that I will go to rehab with him and say that I have the same problem as him. But you are absolutely correct. It's the truth. Thank you.

 

I am willing to put all of my feelings, I am willing to give up my love and everything him and I have to help him but I just don't know how. Clearly I have a problem and don't know how to walk away. I don't know why. You all have given me great advice and I guess I was too stupid to see it. Whatever you guys tell me to do ill do? Even if it kills me should I walk away? See when I would buy him gifts and take him to dinner, don't get me wrong I wanted him to like me. At the same time I wanted him to see that there's a whole different life out there. A life that if you work hard you'll be able to buy and enjoy certain things in life. I cannot lie, it's hard for me to understand that he has an addiction. I have so many why questions. I have to learn how to let go.

 

I am an emotional mess right now. I can across this and I wanted to share this. I can honestly say that I would give my life for this kid. Ill do anything to change his lifestyle but nothing that I do is good enough
If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me. Don't throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it. Don’t stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ... Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ... The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ... I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ... I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar. ---Passion

 

Scanner007, thank you again for replying. You are absolutely right. I have to do this for myself. See, I use to be happy, outgoing, determined and very positive. Now, I still smile but no one knows that I am dying inside. I know this may sound corny but it's the truth. My actions have not been the greatest and I probably made things worst for both him and I. I read other people's stories about their loved ones and there pill addiction and they are similar to mine. I guess I was his enabler. I decided to just leave the country for a while. I told him I was leaving and he asked me not to leave him. I didn't tell him he was the reason I was leaving. I told him it was something else. And I agree, I have to make myself happy and just focus on myself. You all have been great thank you all. I also read in a drug forum that if he even likes me or cares for, he loves his pills even more. I have to get my act together. Any other advice will help. Leaving the country tomorrow morning to get away from all of this mess that I created for myself but I am willing to forget about my mistakes and be happy