Being Gay is Awful

Totally Agree :eusa_clap

 

oh, l guess it was Queen's response. Sorry, @Queen. Please do not ask how this error has ocuurred here today.

 

So, in reading through this thread, various things came up that I've seen come up on other threads since joining EC. Have been a bit bothered by them then (or maybe depressed/annoyed/saddened is the better word - not quite sure how I feel and for me that doesn't happen often) and still bothered by them now, but now of a mind to say something about em. This may or may not qualify as a rant:

Re 'gay people are hugely promiscuous, and pride events are disgusting - Every time I hear this stuff I feel like I'm watching a bunch of fish comment about another bunch of fish "Oh my god, they're breathing water! How can they do that?!"

Look around at the world. We are inundated in straight sexuality and promiscuity every moment of every day. TV commercials for viagra or cialis or whatever. Victoria's Secret, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, legal prostitution in Nevada, Las Vegas, New Orleans, Girls Gone Wild videos, various calendars featuring female models, movies of all sorts, various TV shows, Spring Break in Ft. Lauderdale (or wherever), etc. etc. etc.etc.

You don't like Pride parades because they might bother the straights? Then I ask, what about Mardi Gras in New Orleans, or Las Vegas just on general principles? Because to me the behavior seems pretty much equivalent except that a Pride parade happens once a year while New Orleans and/or Las Vegas and/or Victoria's Secret etc. pretty much run 24/7 - 365 a year. And I bet no one here is bothered or even notices because 'it's just the way things are and it's perfectly normal'. Because straights talk about fidelity and propriety all day long and twice on Sunday. And then they go out and glory in their sexuality 10x as much.

For reference we have merely to look at a major theme of this thread which is not being able to fully participate in a what is being made to sound like a week long orgy of straight hookup sex between strangers, with unlimited booze providing the backdrop.

re 'gay bars are meat markets' - last I checked straight bars aren't exactly bastions of chastity and sitting around playing chess. And while some gay bars are indeed very explicit meat markets, others are just fun places to socialize or go dancing with friends or whatnot. Are people trying to hookup there too? Almost certainly. But how is that different from what straights are trying to do in all their bars exactly?

Oh, btw - not all gay bars are created equal (since a fair number of people have apparently never even *been* to a gay bar but feel qualified to have a strongly held opinion about them). Some are quite welcoming of both gay and straight people as long as they are all cool with each other and even if you're hit on in one, nothing says you have to do anything other than be polite while saying 'no'. There are dance clubs, and pool bars, and sports bars, and yes hook up bars. If the bars in your area (assuming you've actually been) don't fit your taste then that doesn't mean that *all* gay bars are the same as where you are. As with much else in life you may need to shop around and try to find one with the sort of atmosphere and crowd that you like.

re "I can't relate to fem gays" or "I have nothing in common with those people" or "Out and proud gays are just so annoying"

A few questions/thoughts for those who express these sentiments:

a) Have you ever tried relating to any of these people? Actually done more than talked to them for more than 5 minutes in a non-bar situation, if that? No? Then how do you know whether or not you have anything in common with them? I've had fem and 'out and proud' housemates, including one who occasionally dressed up as a woman. I never had any problems with any of them, and got used to them (and even became friends) pretty quickly. Once the novelty wears off, you quickly get back to the important stuff like who the hell ate my Oreo cookies!?

b) A fair number of the people on this forum openly identify as fem to one degree or another. I wouldn't be surprised if a larger number actually are but don't say anything. Which means that there is a very good chance that out of all the people you talk to here, or have befriended on your Wall (and vice-versa), or who gave you a warm and friendly greeting when you first joined EC, or congratulate you on some good news or successful coming out, or offer support and advice and (sometimes) a metaphorical shoulder to cry on when things get hard, quite a few are probably fem. Or even (Oh NO!) 'Out and Proud'.

I wonder how they feel when you turn around and essentially dismiss them (or people like them), sometimes with something that tap dances on the edge of contempt. I wonder how folks would react if they suddenly and magically found themselves in the same room with their three closest friends or acquaintances from EC. After all, we are only what we choose to present ourselves to be here. Reality could be...interesting. And surprising.

If "Out and Proud" is bad, then does that mean that the alternative, presumably "Closeted and Ashamed" is good? And yes, I completely understand and support that everyone should come out at their own pace and in their own time. But I fail to see what being angry at those who are already out (Whether by their choice or by their circumstances) is supposed to accomplish.

Anyway.

Todd

 

I think this is something that is really really easy to forget (especially for me). Promiscuity of any kind makes me uncomfortable, but the reason I think it makes me so uncomfortable in the gay community is because straight people hypersexualize gay people. I guess assuming because we've been kicked out of the marriage loop, we're only interested in one thing? I'm really self-conscious about being perceived that way. I don't know why, I just always have been.

To be honest, I'm sort of jealous of guys who are out, regardless of whether it's because they're fem and they have no real choice or what. Out is out.

I wish I had the courage to be like them.

I've actually learned more about other gay people, REAL gay people, since coming to EC than I have in my whole life up to this point. Before I came here, I had literally no frame of reference for homosexuality other than the media, the Bible, and the Internet. In my high school there were two openly gay dudes. That's it. Do not pass GO. Do not collect 200. No GSA. No PFLAG. Just those fellows.

I did not pass more than a handful of words with either one of them in the four years I went to school there. So I knew absolutely nothing about them. Of course they were both fem (the only reason they were out at all, I suspect) and in retrospect I feel guilty for ostracizing them even in an indirect way, or for not taking up for them.

I suspect if it was, all of the I-am-so-goddamned-miserable-please-help-me posts would not be from closet cases such as myself.

 

Heh. I would refer the jury to exhibit A - the gentleman's sig line....

You're getting there my friend, you're getting there

Todd

 

And will never happen until someone is brave and is the first one to step out of the closet. I know it`s kind of crappy, but we are responsible for our own happiness, no one out there is going to help us achieve what we need, unless we are willing to make the changes. Is it completely impossible for you to come out to your friends? Would they shun you? Now, like I wrote in an earlier reply, I do understand that you don`t fit in with the typical gay scene and community, but there are other arenas where you can get to know other gay guys who like you feel that they don`t fit in. So, you can acquire gay friends and find love, and possibly also use this chance to come out to your old friends, allow them to get to know the real you. Would that be completely unthinkable for you? Then maybe they would even help hook you up with a guy on this vacation of yours, maybe you can actually enjoy the vacation without any hook ups, having been honest with your friends, not hiding anything or playing fake.

(*hug*)

 

Sometimes my life sucks because i'm gay, but it's not bad enough to wish I was straight ( knockonwood**\(' ' 0

I just hate not living close enough to the person I love, but that will never stop me from pursuing happiness. I hope to meet him eventually, but I know I will eventually have to come back to the US unless I have a stroke of luck while i'm there.

 

I hope I never have to suffer in that way, but I do have bouts with it a lot. I hear the constant chants of fundamentalist christiany ringing in my head. x_x

 

Idk what the hell it is but all of this just strangely connected and resounded quite heavily with me.

Oh god, I can't handle this right now. :tears:-:tantrum:-:bang:

But.....Hang in there. You might find a way or you just might have to make one.

 

You need not be chained down by your orientation. It is not a fundamental fact of being gay that you must also be 'chained down' or limited or unhappy or not have a good and satisfying life.

It is however, quite possible to chain yourself down and be unhappy regardless of what your orientation is.

I guess I'm just having a bit of a hard time understanding here. So far you've only a mentioned a few concrete issues that seem to be driving your feelings here:

a) Not being able to/not wanting to hook up with women during a vacation and being jealous of your straight friends who apparently will be

b) Believing that you will lose a large number of your friends if you come out

c) Your geographical location and the people living there

d) A feeling that you don't have anything in common with the other gay people in your area

For most (possibly all) of these issues various people have posted support and suggestions and possible solutions or asked you questions about these, presumably as a way to better understand your situation so that they might then attempt to offer support and suggestions and possible solutions. However, from what I can tell, for the most part you seem to be largely ignoring these efforts and just focusing and refocusing on the negatives.

This all leads me to have to ask three things:

1) If being gay is so awful, why are there so many gay people here telling you that it's not or does not need to be? Cause I gotta tell ya - from where I'm sitting it's pretty damn cool and fun to be gay. But you've gotta put in some effort to make it happen.

2) What would your situation need to look like for you to feel good about being gay? If you feel your current situation is so bad, you must have something that you are measuring against. So what does that look like?

3) If your current situation is so awful, why do you seem to be so resistant to trying or considering *any* of the suggestions that have been made to change it? OK, in some cases there is a certain degree of potential negative consequences. In some cases you might not be able to do something right now this second. But in others, there would seem to be nothing stopping you from at least trying to do something other than what you are apparently doing now. But you aren't even responding to the suggestions, even if only to refute them. Instead you just seem to be ignoring them and continuing to tell yourself things to make you feel bad.

Please help me to understand where you're coming from here. I'm not trying to attack you. I don't want you to feel bad. I want to help you make things better.

Todd