Invisible lesbian syndrome

Now when I reread your post I must have had a brain cramp. Maybe you need to be slightly more overt. Something making a statement as in t-shirt sayings and so on. I am not sure what social media you use, your status might well be listed as lesbian. Unless of course there are people you want to remain invisible too. I understand that as well.
The most important thing is that you be fully who you are as much as you can, Hugs

---------- Post added 20th Dec 2012 at 07:07 PM ----------

I think where you list your orientation as questioning really does fit. It seems like you are trying hard to find out where you fit in. I hope your journey is a happy success. Maybe it is time to meet one of those lesbians who looks at you knowingly and jump in. Once you have been with the lesbian crowd it will give you a hint of your sexual direction.
I see in a post you mention power dykes as being intimidating. You may want to meet someone you see as softer. Hugs

 

Nuh... I didn't mean either one of you were closeted or fully out.
It's just this is something that, in order to have visibility, I feel we have to be very obvious about this stuff.

Also I think that the main problem in lesbian relationships is that some women tend to be passive. Again, heteronormalcy and gender roles.
Maybe you do set off lesbians’ gaydars off (not only that, but you’ve mentioned that you’re open about your orientation), but they’re expecting YOU to make the first step. If men tend to hit on you more often than lesbians (who, most of them I presume, have decent gaydar given that they’re gay themselves), it might be because men are more forward in this area because of gender roles.

Who is the Girl in a Lesbian Relationship? - YouTube
I think she makes a great point in this video.
There is two women in a lesbian relationship and unless you're only into stone butch lesbians who are perfectly fine to do the "gentleman's role" in the relationship, this might become an issue. Who is "supposed" to be more dominant or the carer???

Yep. Definitely your Lezbros. lol

http://www.afterellen.com/blog/gracechu/lesbians-and-the-men-they-call-their-friends
There's actually small video on Lezbros on YouTube, but I couldn’t find it.

I gotta say. I don't like the idea of feeling "one of the guys" (it's just too much testoterone for me when too many men are together); but the Lezbro thingy works for me too. I like being very affectionate with men (hugging, kissing, grabbing their arms)... So I guess, they're different kind of lezbros... 'cus I'm one of those lesbians that just can't objectify women. =P lol

 

I have found especially in my youth that confusion was a large part of determining my sexuality. I made efforts to fit in. I wore the pink frilly dress to birthday parties. I was uncomfortable.
I played dress up with my girlfriends and put on my mother's heels. Hmmm I was uncomfortable and it felt strange.
We also acted out the wedding scenario. I always played the male part. Ahhh this was comfortable. I was actually the only one of us who could not wait for the kiss after they called us husband and wife.
It was a bad time to be confused as there was no one to ask I was all alone in this quandary. It took years and a disastrous high school date to have me understand that I was not interested in guys at all in the romantic sense. I could relate to them as you say but it was just a tomboy phase. At least that was what my mom and dad called it.

After years of searching and hiding I finally found myself. I am butch and my partner is very femme. This works and it has for many many years. I do wear suits and ties. I have not had a dress on in decades. I still love looking at my beautiful partner dressed in all the frills she can find.
In the bold I find this adorable and I continue to hope you find yourself in the arms of a wonderful woman who loves you in an Armani suit silk shirt and tie. Hugs

 

A Lesbians Guide To Looking GAYER - A How To - YouTube
Good ways to gain visibility. Lol

Maybe you guys need one of these.
gay lesbian T-Shirts | Spreadshirt
I once saw one that said something like “Welcome to Dykesville” and it had a U-Haul truck on it. lol
It was THE perfect hoodie. XD There are also some cool ones with “Rock, Paper, Scissors”…
Then again, Kay has a point. I’d like people to know, but I can’t deny passing has an advantage. Sometimes it’s just not safe to come out to some people. I mean… you never know with some homophobes.

In your avatar information you say: “Out Status: Some people”. Chances are some others know or at least suspect they just haven’t said anything to you.

I remember three years ago I had one of those once-in-a-blue-moon guy crushes and my friends found out. One of them asked me: “Oh, so like X??” and I was like: “Yeah. He’s very cute” and she was like: “Like you really like him??”… It was obvious for me that she thought I was gay despite the fact at the moment I was a total denial case and that so far she never had hinted she suspected me to be gay. *shrugs* I didn’t feel offended by it… I didn’t even mind it, she wasn’t rude or anything, but I’m pretty sure she thought “aren’t you supposed to be gay?”… What tipped me off was the slight emphasis she put on the word: “really”. People don’t mentioning anything about it doesn’t mean they don’t notice. I’m pretty sure my roommate also thought I was a lesbian… She never even hinted anything on the regard, but she was highly intuitive and has a lot of Queer friends; so I believe she has decent gaydar.

So, yeah… It has to do with how intuitive a person is. Some get the signs, some don’t. But the signs are there.
Your mother might be onto you. But keep in mind that parents tend to be in denial as well. So she might have the idea on the back of her head, but not be really quite aware of it… When you tell her it’ll still be a shock.

When I came out to my parents, my mother struggled the most with me being a lesbian (as in “what had happened to me that made me gay”)… and I told her that I was born that way and that it was taken me forever to open my eyes to my orientation, but that the signs HAVE always been there.
Tomboy, gender non-conformity, my lack of interest in men/dating, closer friendships with men instead of women and so many others (as I’ve stated before, it’s like 70% of lesbian stereotypes apply to me).

This is actually my problem too. Overall I’m a bit more dominant in most of my relationships. But when it comes to dating women… I guess the communication becomes a more of a body language kind of thing. It’s odd because I didn’t have this problem with the few men I dated… So for me it’s not really about being all retarded around the person who I’m attracted to (though, I’m guilty of this… Urgh…), but it’s because with women communication tends to be… IDK… I guess, not forward. So it’s more like those birds in Animal Planet that have to do a weird dance so the other bird would pick up the signs and dance as well. lol Lame example, but I hope I made my point.

---------- Post added 20th Dec 2012 at 09:40 PM ----------

Gender non-conformity...
Same here. I have always prefered pants to dresses/skirts. I actually hated dresses as a child... Now I'm quite fond of them and wear them in specific ocassion (I find them a bit constrictive given that, if not careful enough, I could be flashing my panties to everyone in the room... lol). I do not wear skirts, though.

My mother put me in ballet lessons for a while. I ABSOLUTELY HATED IT. I wanted Karate (I loved action movies)... so, when they finally took me to check out the place I felt a bit intimidated by the other kids (I was like 7 maybe and the other kids where 11+). Since they didn't encourage me (because "girls should not be kicking and punching"), that was it...

I mean... if we search and look at our pasts, c'mon, women... the signals are there. They've always been there.

 

I'm so glad this thread exists. Jesus. There are so many posts I want to quote, but my post would look ridiculous. Just reading this thread made me chuckle because it's hilarious how we all think the same.
I'm the same way when it comes to men. I can walk around holding his hand and be flirty in public (even though I don't really find myself that attracted to men). But when it comes to a woman, I just can't seem to do it. I've always been the passive one in a relationship (but that doesn't mean I can't be a bit assertive) and it really has nothing to do with me not being able to act flirty with a woman in public. I don't necessarily think it's a social acceptance issue for me either, but it could be, so who knows? I'm not quite sure what it is exactly.
What's so weird is that even though I am the passive one, I do most of the talking. I'm so outgoing, but when it comes to actually *ahem* I get a bit reserved for some reason. I cannot make the first move unless I'm asked to. I have all the courage in the world to speak, but then when it comes down to business, I somewhat shut down. It's frustrating. >_> But once the party starts, I'm back to normal.
I know for a fact that I have what you call "invisible lesbian syndrome". When I tell people, they're shocked. I guess where I'm from, people expect every lesbian to be butch.

 

The era in which I grew up was one of hiding and conformity. You hide and lied and found ways to beat the system as it was. When I realized I was lesbian I was terrified. It was a frightening thing. This was before Stonewall and any recognition of LGBT rights. Even after Stonewall the softening and acceptance level was not there.
For years I had to wear a wedding ring and pretend there had been a man in my life whom I mourned.
When at work I wore plan non frilly dresses and flats. I did the makeup thing in subtle ways. I listened ad nauseam to the other women at work telling me about this wonderful and darling man that I needed to meet. I wanted to run screaming into the night.
Years passed and I found myself in a world where we were partially accepted. My goodness now there are states in which lesbians can be married. Lesbians and gays are acceptable in military. Wow what a boon.
I am out and jumped out the second I knew it was safe. I no longer hide anywhere. I love my partner and love feeling the gentleness of her hand in mine. I love the scent of her. I love her lips and eyes. When our lips press together my heart beats faster even after all the years we have been as one.
We have tender moments no matter where we are. We touch and kiss the same way heterosexuals are allowed to do anywhere they want.
There is nothing like the freedom in being out and proud of myself. Hiding taught me one thing that I have never forgotten. I learned about shame I never was but it is how i acted. We should all do what we can to be proud and as out as we feel is safe.

The Queen Bee
My mother did the ballet thing as well. I wanted to be anywhere but in leotards and ballet slippers. I wanted to kill myself. But the ability to look at all the girls dressed as I was made it not so bad. I quit ballet when I was eleven. Today I attend ballet and still love the look of a woman in leotards, tights, tutu, and ballet slippers.
Even when we do something we hate we can find the good. Hugs

---------- Post added 20th Dec 2012 at 11:07 PM ----------

In the bold. Try this take the lead in a first kiss. Then take a step another step in putting your arm around her first. Move slowly in in taking the lead in the the little affections we share with our partners. Grow into taking the lead step by step. Hugs

 

It's strange that a lot of people here were made to take ballet classes and ended up not liking it. I so wish my mother had put me in ballet classes! Ballet is such a beautiful art form, I'm kind of jealous, and the clothes that ballet dancers wear would honestly be a plus for me. Then again, one of my favorite genres of music is classical, and so I guess it's not so surprising. Still, just the look of some beautiful ballet girls can make my stomach get butterflies. So pretty.

(PS: I'm basically quite femme myself, but it's also funny that I find more 'traditional' views of beauty such as ballet dancers attractive, yet on the other side of the spectrum, I also find alternative-looking women completely hot. :icon_redf :icon_redf Extremely hot, actually. I guess there's something good to be found in everyone.)

---------- Post added 21st Dec 2012 at 12:46 AM ----------

I think you're right, Queen Bee, as much as it is kind of embarrassing to think that my mother might know. Embarrassing and actually a bit relieving. I know that if I came out to her, that'd she still be shocked like you said. Just because actually "hearing" it from someone's mouth rather than being suspicious about it is a lot different.

I keep going back through my brain and thinking of moments that might make more sense now. And you know what? My mother even brought up to me a few months ago that she thinks my older brother is gay. When she brought it up, she didn't seem angry or upset or anything, but more like it was something she had thought about for a while and, having seen him recently, she felt compelled to actually tell me this. When she told me, honestly, it was like the roles should've been reversed. I was the one acting surprised and slightly shocked, even though I'm pretty sure I'd thought of all this before she really considered it. But that's a given, since I'm pretty sure she didn't accidentally see my brother on a gay chatroom (after he had fallen asleep) like I did a few years ago. Still, just to have heard her say it out loud and ask me what I think was a little weird, I guess because she's clearly not as clueless as some parents out there are.

And come to think it, whenever my mom and I asked about any girls my brother was interested in (he's a very social, outgoing person who makes friends easily with both genders), he always kind of avoided it or didn't really make it seem like there were any significant women in his life. Hmm... makes me wonder even more now what she thinks about me. :lol:

 

I'm sad you weren't sent to ballet classes. Your femme side would have very comfortable and at ease with every moment of each class.
I enjoy watching ballet. The flow, artistry and intensity of the dancers is a big turn on. Their grace is beyond me. I was never graceful.
I could sit at ballet endlessly.
I am the butch to my partners graceful beauty. She is my Odette from Swan Lake, Giselle, or Swanhilda from Coppelia. I adore her flow as much as any dancer.
Big thumbs up for ballet and your love of classical music. Hugs

Oh and yes there is something good in everyone.

 

Ugh, we really need to have a secret lesbian code. Seriously. I'm normally pretty good at judging whether or not the girl I'm flirting with is on the same team but since I'm way more into femmes, androgynous girls and feminine rocker-types its really hard to figure out at times.... And as for me, my friends tell me I can look really stereotypical sometimes, but mostly I dress fairly normal. Jeans, band t-shirts, studded belts, my favorite combat boots lol... But because I love makeup people just assume I'm straight. And nobody notices the rainbow bracelet I wear every day x( so its not for lack of trying! But everyone at my school knows which way I swing because when I first cam out I was really obnoxious about it, making sure people knew. Still, I think lots forget because I'm constantly reminding certain guys that I'm not okay with their unnatural need for certain physical contact- and I'm a relatively physical person. Ah, well, If only...

---------- Post added 21st Dec 2012 at 03:19 PM ----------

I'm just like this, lol...

 

A code or a symbol would be awesome! It's annoying having to wonder if a a femme girl is lesbian or not. When I was younger I would play wedding and such with my girl friends and at the time I didn't realize that I shouldn't be feeling so happy to marry a girl. I even kissed one in 2nd grade and at the time it seemed like nothing but later I realized the kiss meant more to me then it did to her, she thought it was for this game we were playing but to me it was cause we liked each other. In the end I got so confused I burried everything deep inside me, only starting last year did I decide to revisit these feelings. What should I do if I like a girl but it's hard to tell if she likes girls or not? Are there any tell-tale signs? Any tiny details will do.

 

Sometimes you have to ask. There is no other way. She may well be a fence sitter waiting for the chance to join the girls team. You may get a bit of rejection but you may win the heart of the girl of your dreams. Try asking if you don't know. You may be surprised. She may say do you really think I am a lesbian? All you have to say to that is I sure as hell hope so. Hugs and luck sweetie.

 

You're very welcome. I am all butch all the time. I am comfortable in my own skin. Being caught between Butch and Femme can be fun I would think. Your clothing can enhance your mood and accentuate your inner and outer beauty. I find it wonderful for you as a way of self expression. The girly shoes would be impossible for me to deal with. I would break an ankle. LOL hugs

 

We discussed a lot of these ideas on the Lesbian/Bi Thread in Chit Chat - I hope you all will stop by, it's a great group of women all seeking support from each other in a fairly male-dominated site!

If you read through the thread you may get more ideas (the first few pages especially were a lot about this), but generally you have a lot of options if you want something less obvious. Things like the two women symbols can be on rings or earrings. I wear small silver hoops (I have a lot of earrings, these are the second going back) that have little colored metal rings on them, forming a rainbow both red to purple, and purple back to red. Anyone who wants to know because they want to see if they can date you, will look closely enough for such details that do not scream to other people I'M GAY!!! You can also put buttons or patches on bags or jackets. Again, lots of ideas in the thread - but I notice, the people who don't know you're gay seem to be straight.

Not all lesbians have gaydar, but a lot do. And having a mohawk/asymmetrical/bright color haircut and a flannel would certainly put you in the list of possibilities, even though nothing is 100% guaranteed! (Open-minded haircuts usually mean open-minded people, so generally one assumes that you may be open to it even if you're not staunchly lesbian.) I'll bet you, if you were around other gay people more, chances are they would not be nearly so surprised as your straight friends are - particularly when you are around out people and act interested in rather than freaked out by them.

The problem of being femme and not standing out as gay is primarily an issue only for those women who spend nearly all of their social time with straight people. And when you start to spend a lot of your time with lesbians, that helps your straight friends figure it out - especially once you start dating one.

So for that period in between, try wearing something more understated and less of an outfit hindrance like a small ring or earrings - someone who is interested will be looking for them anyway, you don't need to scream to gay women who are already looking for signs you're a possibility. Never mind what your straight friends say - they have low Gay IQ anyway, what do they know?

 

This is my problem. I fall between femme and sporty, so people are usually shocked when I tell them I'm into women. I do tend to spend most of my time with straight people, but only because I grew up with them or because they appreciate my company regardless of my orientation. I only have like two gay friends, lol.
Sometimes when I'm at work, one of my co-workers will nudge me when an attractive guy comes through the line. I'll either be like, "Yeeeaahhh..." or "Mhm." It could be my personality that makes me seem straight, but I'm not so sure. Heck, I used to wear a beaded rainbow necklace in high school and people still had no clue. I guess my only option is to go to a gay club, but I'm a bit iffy about that idea for certain reasons.

 

Thank god, someone who feels the same as me, I have been so wondering on this myself. I seem to have the problem even when I tell ppl (which granted I'm very new at) THEY DON'T BELIEVE ME!!:dry:!! THat is annoying let me tell you. I am not that great at flirting either, I haven't had a lot of practice with either sex lol. I have only dated like 3 guys my entire life (Granted the last one was like very long term 7YEars) BUt I have never ever been good at flirting. So i have been trying to figure out how to get out there.