I think I'm turning a corner?

Aww you sound like you have a lot going on and it sounds like non of the people you have come out to have been the slightest bit helpful or supportive it's no wonder you are frustrated and wound up. Don't be sorry about writing it all out here that I what EC is for.
I'm sorry your relationship with your mother isn't good. It's hard sometimes to go back and unpick or fix these things which have happened in the past.

Are there any LGBT groups near you?

 

This 'crap relationship with mom thing' seems to run rampant! (And if not exactly bad, the relationship is at least strained, dysfunctional, or just generally not uplifting)

I was never accused of being a lesbian by my mom, BUT she did instill a feeling of 'bad, bad, bad,' around sexuality in general in me. As soon as I hit puberty, she suddenly HATED me, was downright evil to me, told me sex (directly and indirectly) was BAD. I think this really f'd me up! One time she caught me and my bf at the time (around age 17) making out in our living room, (I thought they were asleep!)

Anyway, this COULD have turned into a healthy Hallmark channel mother and daughter conversation. You know the one, 'I understand you and him have feelings for each other, and it's totally natural to want to be with each other. But I want you to be careful, sometimes things can go to far, you have to protect yourself, do you want to discuss this at all?'

Fantasy Hallmark conversation did NOT happen. Instead I was yelled at, called 'dirty', told that ALL boys are just going to use me for sex (because apparently I possessed NO other qualities that would cause them to want to be with me) and on and on. All along I was also taught to never show feelings of anger (bad!), so I had no escape, just internalized everything she was saying. Now, being older (and therapy!) I get that this was all related to my mom's weirdo thoughts about sex being projected on me.

But back then, it instilled a lot of screwed up 'lessons' in me, that I carried along as a dysfunctional piece of baggage. Ugh.

When my mom found out I was a lesbian (about 2 years ago) it was like the teen lectures ALL OVER again, but she was even more ANGRY. And was quick to attack me as 'not knowing what I am doing, going through a phase' etc etc. She was even focused on the fact that I always wore a necklace given to me by gf, like she couldn't even tolerate it hanging around my neck. 'WHY DO YOU HAVE TO WEAR THAT ALL THE TIME?' Wtf? Seriously, a necklace affected her like this? It's a f'n piece of jewelry, scary that it could result in SUCH feelings in her.

Even typing all of this now has made me so angry--and relieved that I DO have a spot I can share it all. (Thank you EC!)

Anyway, being grown up now I can just walk away from my mom and her bs. We still have a relationship BUT my time with her is greatly limited AND very very 'surface.' It's sad, but necessary for my own health.

*This was way longer than I meant for it to be, but felt good to get it out!

**And yes, let's move on getting the fantasy hospital going, my dysfunctional workplace is sucking the life out of me!

 

Maybe your mum secretly likes girls and is jealous of your girlfriend necklace haha sorry I will stop my thoughts of everyone must be gay.

We need names for this hospital

 

The EC General.
ECG. We'll take care of your heart.

 

Honestly though I have thought of this! She could be a closeted lesbian! Me being a lesbian is CERTAINLY hitting a nerve in her! Maybe hitting a little too close to home???

 

PERFECT!

 

Yeah and that's why she had a issue with guys. Maybe she knows maybe she is alate in lifer herself haha. Ooooh don't you wish you could find out. Imagine if your Mum popped up on EC. Eek

 

OR maybe she is an 'early in lifer' who has been locked in a battle with herself for 78 years!

 

Yeah that's a really sad thought isn't it.

 

It sure is!!!!

 

It's something I often like to remind myself of, there is always someone worse off.

 

UGH MOMS

About 6 years ago, when I started figuring out that I liked women (though very much in denial still), I was watching some show with lesbians on it with my mom and she said something along the lines of "Gosh that must be hard, I'm so glad youre the furthest thing from a lesbian ever". And that hit me HARD. All I could think was that there was no way I could tell my mom how I was feeling. And when it came down to it, shes had a hard time. She says things like "you just haven't made recent friends so youre confused" or "you don't need to go around telling anyone your sexuality". meh

 

Hey I am sorry your mum is having such a hard time with it, it really doesn't help.

 

Thank you! But really, it's fine. We have a great relationship and since I only see her about once a week, if that, we barely touch the subject. I think she'll be fine once/if I'm ever in a relationship. Meanwhile the concept is just super abstract to her because she has this image of what a lesbian should be and then I walk in with sundresses, heels, lipstick and blowouts LOL

 

Haha yes I get that and she probably knows things will be harder for you and no parent wants that.

 

Send her the poem

 

that's exactly it. She has mentioned that to my cousin. And I get it. But my life has never been easy anyways and dating men certainly wasn't a piece of cake lol

She also has this fear that I wont be a mom now but I'm always like, mom, I'm ALWAYS single, what made you think I was gonna get pregnant lmao

 

She is mourning the loss and grieving for her vision of how your life was going to go.