Why you didn't think you were gay/bi etc at first

Religion and expectations from my parents played a huge role in how my life has been so far. I was always attracted to girls especially those close to me. In my second marriage on my sister in laws 21 birthday we went to a gay bar and got tipsy and I made out with her and loved it (she kissed me) and he was there. Then I felt kind of bad because I liked it more than kissing my husband at the time. I have been married (three times and had kids) and although I found I could love them as individuals, sex was a chore. I never got any pleasure from it and I had no physical attraction to the men I married. It was all for show now that I think of it. I was trying to please my family and earn their acceptance as I never have been able to toe the line with them. Back then I thought I was Bi because I could admire a man. But never got turned on by them unlike with women. (still didn't clue in) but until 2008 I tried to love men as I was expected to do. That year I ran a little wild and fell in love with another female friend and began to explore the possibilities that I was Bi curious. It wasn't until this year(now I'm 32) that I figured it out or rather was slapped in the face with it, when I fell in love with my straight best friend and found myself thinking how I wanted to kiss and hold her and more. The sad thing is every one of my close friends knew I was gay before I did...I'm about as subtle as a hurricane. I always thought something was wrong with me because I crave sex and then hated how empty I felt afterwards (if I could even allow them to touch me) It made me sad because I am a passionate person and I had no passion in the bedroom with the men I married. But now I know there is nothing wrong with me, what a relief...^_^

 

where and when i grew up it was a good way for me to end up face down in a ditch so i buried it real deep, deep enough for me to forget about it; or at least not think about it. when my ex would say look at so and so on the tv ( a good looking guy) i'd glance in the direction of the tv and say, he does nothing for me as a joke but knowing ( and ignoring) that it really did do "something" for me. now i am almost free enough to be "out" as a Bi-sexual person.

 

It sounds strange, but the idea that I could be just didn't occur to me, or rather I was scared deep down and I didn't let it occur to me. Instead I put my energy into ignoring my own body/emotional signals and manufacturing a story that was more acceptable. I kept thinking I was just a late bloomer and would wake up "normal" some day and be boy crazy like all of the other girls. I also didn't really understand sexual attraction, so if a boy was nice and I wanted to be friends, I would tell myself I had a crush on him.

Looking back, it's absurd, but I think it was kind of a self preservation instinct at work - like my mind wouldn't let me acknowledge it until I was at a point in my life where I could deal with it.

 

I just didn't know because I hadn't thought about it. I was comfortable enough with the illusion that I was completely straight that even things that did question my sexuality in some small way wasn't enough to make me reconsider it which may have been enhanced by the fact that I was indeed bi, therefore not uncomfortable doing things that would make people recoil and say "that's gay!".

I lately had a complete mental breakdown which prompted me to deconstruct myself to my smallest visible parts and inspect them real close up and it was just there and I accepted it.

 

Growing up in a hetero-normative environment where no one discussed anything gay related. It was pretty much a taboo subject. Basically everyone I knew was straight and thought homosexuality was wrong. Also because I didn't date anyone as a teenager. First time a guy asked me out was when I went to college and the whole concept of someone wanting to date me was very new and exciting to me back then. I believed that I needed to meet the right guy, then it would all work out. When I started questioning my orientation, I actually had a hard time believing it. It took a long time to be able to admit it to myself. I was so confused and wasn't sure what to do about it.

 

I was like "there's no way I like girls! I like boys!" but that was before I knew about the term "bisexual". Then I was like "no, no, no, I'm not bi, I'm not gay, I'm NOT". Then I realized I am. "Mom's gonna kill me!" :laugh:

 

It wasn't that I wasn't exposed to gay people or was specifically taught that it was a bad thing. It was more like the attitude when I was growing up was "straight until proven gay" or something. So I just assumed I was straight. But when I got older and had boyfriends I was completely uninterested in sexual stuff and it gave me terrible anxiety. Although I haven't had the experience yet, I can imagine that being with another girl will be different.

 

With me it was more a case of just locking up any thoughts of being gay in my own internal closet and throwing away the key. I really didn't think about it. Didn't really look at men or women. Figured I'd just meet the right women one day and have a 'normal' life.

But when I finally forced myself to confront my demons and write stuff down, it was kinda obvious that I'm gay. Once I'd unlocked the door with hindsight it was even more obvious.

 

I've always known really deep down, but it was so hard to admit it to myself because everyone I know is homophobic to different degrees whether they'd admit that to themselves or not- omg what is the "logic" or "reason" behind homophobia?!!- so the thought of having a serious girlfriend one day scared me, and still does. Also I never had a proper crush on a girl in real life and not just really liking a celebrity till about a year ago, but I guess its just easier to recognise crushes on the opposite gender because it's more socially acceptable.

DAMN SOCIETY! & I hope that all makes sense!

 

My desovery of my possible bisexuality, I saw possible because I am not fully labelling myself, when I was 24. However, my first same-sex relationship...if you want to call it that was when I was 17. It was with my best friend. Carried on for over a year and was very physical. Never once occured to me that it ment I was bi or actual gay in any way! Now it is sorta rediculous to look back on! But, lack of self acceptance, repression, internal homophohia are powerful things!

 

I thought I must like boys because I'd had 'crushes' on them before. I later realized I had tricked myself into thinking I had crushes. :rolle:

 

It puzzles me, to be honest... I've grown up in a rather non homophobic environment and I was never homophobic myself, I wonder why I didn't start thinking about things a lot earlier. There were certainly "signs", so to speak, before I started questioning, I just somehow never picked up on them.

 

The society and never had much knowledge about all this. I was attracted to women but thought it was abnormal so I supressed it until recently when I met a girl and fell head over heels even though I'm in a relationship with a guy (have been for 2 years). She brought out my true sexuality.

 

I totally agree; I'm a left-handed, Conservative, disabled girl who has always wanted kids; being bi or lesbian would be the last thing I need.

 

First, it was so removed from my culture. I didn't know what gay was until it was used demeaningly to describe Justin Bieber. I started questioning around last year, but thought that it was normal for all girls to be grossed out with being close to a guy - they just have to get used to it, I thought.

I also blame some of it on my parents. They do the best they can, but I never felt like I could be comfortable with them about my body and my feelings because, as victims of a wartorn South Vietnam, my parents knew the best thing is to not show your feelings. And through this, I feel like I've never really understood attraction and when I did get attracted to someone, I'd be extremely confused with no one to talk to or understand.

 

Because although I had always had sporadic attraction to guys throughout my life, from a young age onwards, I also felt attraction for girls, too; and so I just put down the guy attraction as, well, I'm not sure how I rationalized it away...I would put in into a mental compartment labelled, "when you have such thoughts / fantasies, they are just something cheap and d...y that you do in order to get off, and do not represent who you really are" (I don't like repeating that old judgement now). Pah that was so much bullshit. I've always been Bi, always. I think religion, the underlying expectations of society, and my father's attitude towards homosexuality, all had an inordinate influence over me, for far too many years. But I've ditched the lot of it now, I love guys, far out I really dig guys, and I'm no longer ashamed to admit it to myself or to anyone else.

 

I convinced myself that something was wrong with me, and I needed the right man to fix it . Maybe he'll come along one day , I made excuses thinking I was just a late bloomer . I also said that it's probably hormones or that something was wrong with me .

 

It's because I grew up in a hetero-normative society. Growing up, I knew virtually nothing about gays/lesbians, and I didn't even realize you could like both sexes until I was in middle school. I just looked around me and saw girls liking boys, so I figured that I would turn out the same. Of course, I had many girl crushes when I was little, but I had no idea I was infatuated with them. I just thought that I admired them and wanted them to notice me for some reason.

As for boys:

^
Yeah, kinda like that.

 

There were a few factors for me, but the main reason I thought I was straight was because of my upbringing.

Being raised in East Texas and homeschooled as a very conservative Presbyterian, I was told non-stop my whole life that I would marry a man, be his wife, and that my value was tied into my family and my husband's happiness. I was only allowed to wear dresses, had to cover my head, wasn't allowed to speak in church, the whole bit.

I'd also never met a gay person or had people talk about it aside from 'Gay relationships never last' and 'Being gay is an abomination to God'. When I told my mom that I thought women were a lot more beautiful than men, she just told me that I'd fall in love 'with a red-headed, freckly-faced boy' and forget all about it when I had children.

I didn't realize I was gay until I was 15 and I fell in love with my best female friend. I didn't even realize then that I was gay. I was dating a boy at the time...we dated for a year and a half and never so much as kissed. I finally had a name for it at 17, when I had my first girlfriend It was a long road and there were more twists and turns than that but, well, that's what caused me to realize I was gay

 

I won't bore you all with details....it'd be too long. But there was my religious upbringing which taught me homosexuality was wrong. I also believed my attraction to women was me being very desperate, having zero attention of a romantic/sexual sort from a man by the age of 27.