Why do I still experience so much anxiety and uncertainty about my orientation? Does it go away?

I get how you feel. Im 30 and I have only recently come to terms with my sexuality and came out of the closet. But I do get anxiety from feeling far behind everyone else and constantly playing catch up because I came out so much later in life. It has been difficult to make connections and get all the answers to click correctly together. But I think it's OK to feel adrift and not have all the answers I need or would like to have right now. I'll just figure it out as I go and go with the flow.

Sometimes there really isn't a good starting or finishing line. You just have to start somewhere and sail in the general direction. There will be a lot of course corrections along the way but you'll get there eventually even if other people get there faster. Just keep moving forward and it will slowly fall into place. Don't get me wrong, moving slow kinda sucks sometimes but it is better than standing still.

Occasionally people give me a hard time for not having that much dating or intimacy experience. I just tell them life through me a lot of curve balls and other priorities that took precedence. I may not have a lot of experience as others, but I'm a fast learner and up for the challenge.

I always say, people like you for being just like everyone else or because you're different. If you're having trouble fitting in, then you're not like everyone else. Become the person you want to be. Play into your strengths and weaknesses. find what makes you unique and foster that love for yourself. It works for me. The only compliments I get is because of my differences and that's what attracts people to me. Most of my friends all act the same but they like me because I'm different.

 

The best cure for anxiety is to keep yourself so busy with objectives and goals big or small, so you don't have time to be anxious about anything. It could be going to a mixer, work, or getting stuff done around the house. Almost anything. As far as intimacy goes in relationships, I wouldn't worry about it for now. Put it in the back of your mind. Just focus on the beginner level aspects of dating so everything doesn't overwhelm you at once. first comes first. Flirting and finding a relationship. Intimacy will come later and you can cross that bridge when you get to it. Once you get more experience you'll have more confidence to tackle issues like intimacy.

Fear can be a fickle thing but try to harness it as a tool to work for you like any other emotion. Happiness can be harnessed to spread love and joy. Anger can be harnessed to fight and protect. Fear can be harnessed to survive and motivate. Those are a few examples and there are a thousand others that could be made. But basically don't let emotions control you, make them work for you.

 

Nice to see you back on here again

Do you think it is internalised homophobia or just potential first time nerves? You could be describing me before my first time with my first boyfriend - worried about whether I would like it, would it hurt, would it be weird, would it be gross. That’s all pretty standard stuff to be worried about.

I never really had those worries with girls though just because of the circumstances of my first time, I never expected it to happen, I’d never even thought about the idea of being with another girl, but she just kinda put the moves on me and I went with it probably because I’d had a few drinks and we were sharing a bed and it happened before I’d had the chance to think about it. I’m glad it went down that way because I think if I’d thought about it first, I’d never have done it, I thought I was straight.

The reason I’m mentioning this is that maybe it’d be helpful if you had someone more experienced lead you through. Instead of you having to pluck up the courage to ask women out, you could just put yourself out there, be honest and let the dates come to you. Don’t be too picky about meeting people because you never know who you’ll click with, and it doesn’t hurt to go on a few dates even if they don’t lead to anything. I would definitely make a few dating site profiles and see what happens.

 

I think there's some advantages to being with a girl for your first time. At least there isn't any unfamiliarity with the biology. The downside is, there isn't that male drive to push things forward. Its the one thing guys seem so much better at than women. I also don't think there's as much performance pressure, because there's no strict rulebook about 'what counts'. With a guy, its clear what sex is. With two women sex is whatever you decide to make it.

The question is, do you want to wait to be in a serious committed relationship before you go further than kissing with someone? Or will a few nice dates do? Either you wait, and then the first time is potentially a really big thing, with someone that you're really in love with, but getting that far without the physical aspect first might be difficult these days? Most people don't care too much about whether a potential partner is experienced or not at all, so I don't think you'd have trouble finding a potential girlfriend, but if you want to take things really slow (by modern standards), I can see that narrowing the available people by quite a bit, and when you're already dating in a niche market you need every advantage you can get.

I think waiting for that perfect first time is potentially setting yourself up for disappointment. I don't mean jump into bed with just about anyone, but if you met someone and there was mutual attraction, push your boundaries just a little bit. I find a bit of kissing really makes the intentions clear and eliminates the possibility of getting friend-zoned. Maybe it ends up being a mistake in retrospect, but getting a bit of experience is a good way to take the pressure off yourself, and then that second/third etc etc time is just so much more natural and easy. For me the most difficulty I had was with the second girl I was with because that was the first time I actively put myself out there and tried to attract a girl. It felt weird, I was out of my comfort zone. I was worried about being outed, called a freak etc. But I knew that if I could get over the awkwardness of meeting, talking, flirting, making a move, I knew the bedroom stuff would be fine because I'd already experienced that. If that weight had been on my mind as well, of not knowing what to expect or what I'd like, it might have seemed impossible.

 

Honestly, don't worry about kissing! Girl kisses are always great

I've always found a few drinks and the right atmosphere makes all the difference. A night out is the best first date. The nausea might be something that goes away once you get a bit more used to it, or more used to the idea of it.

 

Well maybe not sex first, but maybe at the same sort of time that dating gets serious/exclusive. It'd be unusual these days for someone to date somebody exclusively for more than maybe 6 weeks or so without at least moving in the direction of things getting sexual? Maybe other people could chime in if they think I'm off the mark. Things are maybe a bit differently paced at 27 than it was for me when I was 18-22. Also, you say you couldn't have sex with someone until you really know them - it's a scary thing when you've not done it before and that's a pretty common view. That can change after some experience. I've never felt all that comfortable dating guys and jumping into bed with a guy I've only been on a few dates with would be a big no-no for me, but I got way more comfortable around women. In my uni days I had a fair few first dates end in sharing a bed, sometimes sex, sometimes just kissing & cuddling, sometimes just listening to music and talking all night. All pretty wonderful experiences , and it never felt unsafe letting my guard down like that with a woman, but it would have done with a man.

Best to be clear about expectations of monogamy when dating. Some people (most people?) are OK with casually dating more than one person at a time, but I think that changes once sex is involved.

 

I'm the opposite, it agrees with me too well. There was a massive drinking culture when I was studying and I definitely did more than was healthy, but had a whale of a time doing it. Definitely my drug of choice, I never tried any of the others. I've mostly stopped now because I'm not in that environment anymore, I occasionally have a drink at home but try to keep it to no more than 2 and never on a week night.

 

I feel the same. I have to be in a committed relationship before I would ever consider sharing myself with someone. As long as you're upfront about what you're looking for and your intentions, it should be fine. There will be people who try to pressure you and make you cave. You just have to stand firm and don't budge from your standards. It makes it quite clear there not the one for you. They may not like it but they will be forced to respect it.

I still get pretty nervous and anxious myself, because I don't have that much gay dating experience with men so far. But there is a trick to dating. When you go on a date, go in with no expectations. Focus on creating something new instead of getting ahead of yourself. Focus on getting to know someone instead of diving into the deep-end of romance. You can't worry about the unknowns, what ifs, and compare yourself to other people's standards. It will cause you to choke every time. Actively block those thoughts out, even if you have to do it constantly. Change your mindset to act in the present or the moment. Make your future instead of worrying about a hundred possible futures. You will make mistakes but that's OK. Own your mistakes with confidence and laugh it off. Giggle and laugh because you're embarrassed. It's OK, you're only human. Give yourself a little grace and others will too.

 

Drinking is a weakness, people use it as liquid confidence. If you can avoid it, it's better that way for sure. But it has its uses.

Just bear in mind every long term relationship starts out as a short term relationship, and sex is an incredible bond-builder. I am probably slightly addicted to that dopamine/oxytocin rush....

 

You were really lucky to have your first experience happen the way it did. I have all the anxieties that Anxious Reader has but no one to help me out. So I have to jump into the deep end of the pool by myself. When I don't get encouragement from other women I start to feel and I still feel that I am one of the few women who are really ready to start dating. I'm tired of chasing after women, so I have stopped doing it. Now I will spend the rest of my life advocating for other gay people in an LGBT support group and sharing my experiences. I will also try to understand women but that will be impossible because they don't even understand themselves.

 

She was lucky not to blow up a friendship. As it turned out, I wasn’t the first friend that she’d done that with either, but I didn’t find that out til a few years later. But I think you’re right, it was a happy first experience, completely unexpectedly. The downside was it opened up a can of worms for me and made me question things where I literally had zero doubts beforehand. But on balance I don’t regret any of it.

I didn’t have too many problems chasing women but I wasn’t looking for gay women to have a relationship with. I basically just made friends and if the chemistry was good and she seemed open-minded, I’d be a bit suggestive or physical in a way that I could laugh off if it didn’t go down well. But although that worked well for me as an 18-22 year old student and living far from home, it’s maybe not all that effective when you’re a proper grown up living in the real world.

 

Thanks for describing your relationships (I use the word loosely). It helps me and a lot of other people too - it helps us understand. Over the years I have had women do subtle passes at me - too subtle - and I blew it by ignoring it. I don't have the guts to go after a woman first. so I know I have had chances but nothing works for me. I am going to try to get counselling, also see if I can find another gay support group other than the one I am in. I have met some nice women but I honestly don't know how I am going to get over this. So close yet so far! Why was I fated to have this life? BTW, I am not just looking for relationships. Like you, I also would like a sexual situation preferably to lead to a nice relationship.

 

Speaking from my own personal experience, yes, the doubt does fade over time but how long it takes is up to you really. I never went from years of heterosexuality to homosexuality over night, I had a period where I claimed I was bisexual and during this period I never once believed I was heterosexual. I had been lying to myself for many years, which caused a lot of internal conflict and I was done with that.

However, when I first accepted I was gay, I kept floating between bisexual and gay because I didn't want to give up the last piece of heterosexuality I "had" in me. I say "had" because I knew it never really existed in the first place and was a coping mechanism. I felt being bisexual would be more widely acceptable rather than homosexual, after all, it meant I still liked woman but over time as I became more accepting of my homosexuality, it took over and the doubt faded. I have no doubt that I am and always have been homosexual. It's more about self-acceptance and it took me far too long to accept myself but I'm glad I did because I love being homosexual.

Good luck in your journey.