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Why can’t romantic and sexual orientation be separate?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by jjusa, Aug 5, 2021.

  1. jjusa

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    I hear a lot on here that romantic and sexual orientation always go hand in hand and cannot be separate, but I’m pretty sure I have a romantic orientation that is different from my sexual one. Why can’t romantic love be separate from sexuality?
     
  2. caden0803

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    The way I see it is when you close your eyes who do you feel comfortable being intimate with? Beyond the level of a family member or friend. Can both of you make each other happy, communicate effectively on any issues that come up in the relationship, be supportive of one another, and genuinely want to spend the rest of your life together once you’ve found each other? These questions matter more to me when building a healthy relationship no matter what person that’s with around your age.
     
    #2 caden0803, Aug 5, 2021
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2021
  3. jjusa

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    I don’t feel comfortable being intimate with anyone :frowning2:

    but if I had to answer, it would be with the opposite sex. I feel like I can open myself up more with a man than with a woman.
     
  4. meltyblood

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    Your orientation is what you make it out to be. If you feel your sexual and romantic orientation is different, then so be it. Don't let others say what you can or can't label yourself as. I, for one, don't really understand split attraction models, but at the end of the day, who cares? Whatever. Labels can only be so useful up to a point anyways. I say I'm gay, but when it comes down to it, I don't care about gender. If someone I really love happened to be a woman, okay, sure. I'd still love them. Would you say I couldn't call myself gay?
     
  5. caden0803

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    If that’s how you want to express yourself go for it. Only you can make that kind of decision no one else.
     
    #5 caden0803, Aug 5, 2021
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2021
  6. jjusa

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    How do you know if it’s the right decision?
     
  7. jjusa

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    Personally I feel like sexuality is too confusing to put a label on it. I’ve tried every label (bi, lesbian, straight, aro/ace) and can’t settle on anything. I can’t seem to sort through my own thoughts, feelings and desires. Maybe I don’t have any lol
     
  8. meltyblood

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    And that's perfectly fine! I know many people who refuse or just don't label themselves because they don't want to or whatever other reason. I've grown to care less about labels. When I first starting questioning myself I latched onto labels to feel included and be within a community, but nowadays I have the support and confidence I need so I don't really care about labels anymore.
     
  9. jjusa

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    I hope to grow to not care about labels. Yep, I feel the same way as you did. I really want a label. I associate having a label with “knowing yourself” so if I didn’t have a label, it’s because I don’t know myself (which is scary) and I’m still not sure if I will ever figure it out.

    Label = you know who you are
    No label = you’re still trying to figure it out

    I get perplexed by the idea that people can choose to not have a label but still know what they want. Not having a label for me means that I'm having trouble understanding my wants and needs, and once I have it all together, then I can have a label. It’s been five years and I still can’t figure it out... I’m resorting to aromantic asexual at this point haha
     
  10. meltyblood

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    Sometimes, you don't know how explain what you are or what you want, yet you know you feel this way. That's okay. It's my belief that not everything in life needs to be explained or have some deeper meaning; sometimes, it just is what it is. The journey is to get to the point where you're okay with yourself and accept how you are. Maybe you don't know yourself, and that's okay. You might know later on, you might not. The important thing is to be okay with it, in my opinion :] I wish you best of luck in your endeavors.
     
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  11. caden0803

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    You don’t regret it later on. For me that’s trying to pursue art and identifying as gay for right now. Sure I didn’t know exactly how they would work out beforehand, but if I had the opportunity to go back and change them I wouldn’t. They make me happy and possibly the person I’m meant to be.
     
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  12. caden0803

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    #12 caden0803, Aug 5, 2021
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  13. caden0803

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    Ignore the one above I made a mistake.
     
    #13 caden0803, Aug 5, 2021
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2021
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  14. old tacoma

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    @caden0803 — “The way I see it is when you close your eyes who do you feel comfortable being intimate with?”

    I think that question is remarkably simple and directly to the point of one’s sexuality. When I close my eyes and visualize who I feel comfortable being intimate with, I invariably see a man.
     
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  15. jjusa

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    So how I am understanding it, is that it's better to not problem solve and think of how you feel. Just let the feeling come and go.

    That you need to accept that you may never discover your true self. That you may never grow into the best version of yourself. That sucks, but I guess I have to live with this.

    Thanks for the perspective. It's hard to take but I need to learn this lesson.
     
    #15 jjusa, Aug 6, 2021
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2021
  16. Chip

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    Yes! What matters is what works for you. The evidence is pretty overwhelming that so-called "romantic orientation" doesn't exist and is really just a deep, emotionally intimate, non-sexual friendship. There's nothing wrong with having deep friendships, and in fact, it's a really healthy thing. But it has nothing to do with sexual orientation. I honestly think it's something someone dreamed up to avoid admitting they were gay, and it just caught on.
     
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  17. jjusa

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    Isn’t romance just that? A deep, emotionally intimate, non-sexual friendship? Asexual people can be romantic.


    I think you can be gay without wanting to be in a relationship with someone of the same sex. That’s how I feel a lot of the time.
     
  18. Chip

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    That depends on whose definition you use. If you use the undefinable terminology the evidence-free crowd uses, then any definition applies. If you use the widely accepted definition in use for decades, then no.


    Yes, definitely.
     
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  19. jjusa

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    I don’t know about the different definitions haha. It all sounds complicated now