I accepted a few months again that I wasn't straight, and most probably gay. I'm getting comfortable thinking of dating a woman (again - first and only one was my trigger crush about 4 years ago) and even thinking of doing online dating, though I don't feel quite confident enough yet. I've been playing badminton with a great group of people for about 8 months and there is that one guy I really get along with. We share similar interests, have good conversations. And some of our friends often make jokes that there is something between us (none of them know of my attraction to girls). I don't think I am physically attracted to him but like spending time with him (usually we're always around other people). We were at a party last night and decided to walk with me (I was going home and he, to the metro station). We just talked and we parted ways, I kissed him on the cheek (the way French people do) and he went to grab my hip which felt really awkward to me. He messaged me last night saying it was a nice walk and again this morning about random things. I can't stop thinking that he likes me (one of my friends who knows both of us actually things he liked me) and it freaks me out. This used to happen with every guy who took an interest in me overtime, even those I liked, or thought I liked. I would always literally run away as soon as a guy said he liked me/kissed me (I never actually dated a guy). We're supposed to spend the day together tomorrow because museums our free tomorrow in our city and arts and culture is one of our commun interest. But now I feel kind of anxious of spending the day alone with him. It feels exciting that someone might be into me but I don't want him to be into me. I guess what I'm wondering is : why I am feeling awkward around him now if I don't like him, if I like girls? Is it just me trying to come to terms with the fact that I'm really not straight? I don't know to lead him on, but sometimes I wonder what being with a guy would actually feel like. Not sure I'm making sense but if anyone as a similar story, would love to hear it and have your take on mine!
We humans are curious creatures and we have the capacity to reflect and wonder, and ask ourselves, "What if?". I'm sure you've done it before with other things, unrelated to your sexuality. I know I have. Well, sometimes we reflect and wonder what it might have been like if we hadn't been gay (or straight) and it shouldn't surprise us too much if/when that happens. It's totally okay to ponder over these things, even if it doesn't ultimately change anything. I think you have perhaps realised that he does like you as more than a friend and the awkwardness stems from that realisation. You know you can't offer him more than friendship (much as you value his friendship) and now face the prospect of keeping him at arms length and not saying or doing anything to lead him on. That will inevitably cause a little bit of awkwardness... trust me, I've been there myself with a member of the opposite sex. Are you feeling more anxious because it may become necessary to talk to him about your sexuality?
Thanks for that, it actually makes sense. I guess the questioning also comes from the fact that I figured out that I'm not straight because I like girls but I'm unsure of where I stand with guys. Before questioning my sexuality I always thought that one falls in love with a person first and foremost, before a particular gender. So I don't rule out the possibility of meeting a guy one day, though it is much more likely that I'll meet a girl. The awkwardness definitively stems for the fact that I'll have to keep him at arm length and make sure not to lead him on. Because I want to be myself around him and not second guess everything I say/do and what he says/does. I think I would be comfortable talking to him about my sexuality (as comfortable as a coming out can be...) and I am not worried about his reaction. What scares me most if that talking about it would make it all real and I'm not sure how I'll handle it. I don't feel like I really ever came out to someone. All my friends know about my ex girlfriend, but my coming out was more about "we're dating and I don't know if I gay" rather than "I'm gay". So saying it out loud is really what scares me. But lying is not an option as I'm getting tired of lying by omission, half truths and staying away from more personal conversations just to make sure no one asks me about my personal life...
