Did you ever wake up the day before your birthday realising the only Happy Birthdays you’ll get are from family because you have no friends, no acquaintance’s and haven’t spoken to anyone outside of your family in years. If I die the only people at the funeral would be my family and even then some of them would be a maybe. I’m an introvert but I would love a friend I see once a week, maybe call or text another time that week. But I’d actually have to leave the house and my social awkwardness and shyness wouldn’t help me make friends. And where does a 30+ year old go to make friends anyway. I had friends but they had a muscular condition with a life expectancy of 25 so they all passed away. I only saw them at a summer camp every year but still. They were also male, and females can’t get that specific condition but I didn’t get on with the girls as much. My mother tells people I’m content but it’s more apathetic. I don’t care about anything. I wanted nothing for Christmas and want nothing for my birthday. I’m not happy. I’m not crying everyday either. I just needed to rant.
I relate to your post. I let my last friendship die about about nine years ago - a friendship that had survived 20 years of ups and downs - and since then have made no effort to gain new friends. I just don't have the energy or conviction required to sustain a bond with anyone, esp in my fifties when I'm so set in my ways. My only social "network" are close family members, but that only works because my interactions with these few people are superficial and duty-based. Maybe things will change in the future but at the present I feel better off just cultivating my own interests and trying to maintain a "cosmic" mentality about the broader insignificance of human life, or at least my own life. I'm grateful to have passions that absorb my time - like books !
I feel very similar. I know that doesn't help, and I've never been through the tragedy of having friends die, either. I'm sure it's as awful as it sounds. I feel like I've put effort into trying to make friends, but my brain just tells me I have nothing to say, or add to the conversation; no business being around people who are richer, more educated, cooler, more 'out' than me. BUT... I've really started to get comfort from talking to people here. I hope you can do as well- please keep talking and sharing your feelings here! You are valuable, sending hugs.
