When to accept what I am?

Hey,

Honestly I don’t think you should go back to your ex partner because it clearly isn’t him you want and you will just be unhappy which isn’t fair on you. You have taken a massive step and it would be horrible for you to go backwards now just to make others happy. Is this woman you are interested in LGBTQ+? Even if you can’t have her, you worthy of finding somebody who you will be happy with. Have you looked into LGBTQ+ bars and safe spaces in your area? You will be able to find others in your situation and maybe even meet somebody. Good luck x

 

Hello, Vikki. I hope I can help.

@xfemmelesbian has the right of it: regardless of your attraction to this woman, going back to your partner would be a mistake. The only reason you should ever go back is if you really love the person and want to be with them--what you've said here doesn't seem to indicate a longing, but a sense of obligation, or a fear of change and judgment from family. So unless you want to be with your ex, I would say no to going back.

As for this woman you like... You might need to feel the situation out a bit more. Invitations for coffee and accepting gifts could just as easily indicate a sense of friendship or camaraderie; it's also possible that regarding the gift, she didn't want to hurt your feelings. I don't say this to dissuade you, but rather to provide different perspectives. It's also equally as possible that all of these things are not platonic, that she does share your feelings, and that perhaps she's afraid to say anything. Perhaps it has to do with her job, perhaps it's a little more personal--such as fearing she's reading too deeply into your acts of kindness, and is afraid of rejection herself.

As frightening as it can be to put yourself out there, it might be worth being more direct. Maybe you can confess your feelings via email, or in a handwritten letter that you can drop off? Something that will allow her time to process the information before giving an answer of her own. If you choose to tell her (in any form), make it clear that you have no expectations and that you don't want this to hurt the friendship if the feelings aren't mutual.

Whatever happens, I hope things work out.

 

Lots of god information above. Wondering what you want to do though? You have to live with the choices you make. No one else does. Perhaps doing more sharing with others here might he helpful. It’s okay to make mistakes along the way. I wish you the best and if I can be of help please let me know.

 

Hey I can totally understand how hard this is for you. Try not to worry too much about everything just take it one step at a time. Rather than an app have you tried looking for a local LGBT meet up? They are not all aimed at young people and I would say are a much better place for finding friend. I know people in the past have had success with looking on Meetup.com I think it’s called for groups local to them. In the meantime try talking to people on EC, I know online friends are not an ideal substitute for real life friends but it’s not a bad back up. Talking through my feelings and hearing about other people’s experiences helped me so much when I was first on EC.

 

From what I have seen here on EC, it's pretty hard to put that geni back in the bottle. I was terrified of being gay, but I realized a lot of it - in fact all of it was just social pressure and fear - and making a big change later in life.

 

Based on these quotes, and the title of this thread "When to accept what I am?" it sounds to me like you know you're gay but you're in the 'bargaining' stage. "Well I like women but my family wants me to go back to this guy and it's hard to meet people (women?) at my age"- all these are valid worries and are true but that doesn't change who you are - and it sounds like you're just deciding whether to accept it or not?

 

You don't have to tell the whole world, you don't have to tell anyone you're not comfortable with until you are ready or you want to. The important thing is self acceptance.

Lots of people come out later in life - you also might find that since you're being the real 'you' that forming relationships and friendships is much easier. You could start with lower key group events or meet ups- where there is no pressure, you're just meeting people.

 

Hey @Searching2022 has given some great advice, when I was coming out I found I had to just break everything down into tiny little steps and then decide what if anything I wanted to do as my next step. If I looked at the picture as a whole and all of the things I would need to do/overcome it was so overwhelming I would never have gotten any of it done. It’s great that you have been able to tell your sisters, there is no rush to tell anyone else unless you feel like you want to.

I am sure there will be women who won’t be interested when it comes to dating and you being new but honestly if that is a reason for them to not be interested in you then they probably aren’t the kind of person you want to date anyway. There will be plenty of people it won’t be an issue too so try not to worry about it. I know it might sound a little crazy or silly but when sometimes helps is just to let your mind see the world with your new way of thinking. Say to yourself out loud in the mirror, I am gay or I like women and see how that feels to you. Sit in a cafe and watch people and let yourself look at the women in a new way. Imagine your life living with a women and let yourself enjoy those thoughts, it’s also about becoming more comfortable in your own mind.