When did you realized it?

Lexa,

Correct. That’s why the in the post I wrote that you quoted I had said “I’m just saying that for me...”. That means I was speaking for myself, not all people.

And on the second quote I said it was ridiculous in my situation. Mine. I didn’t say anyone else’s situation should or did make it ridiculous. But I’m me, and in mine it did.

I started my post with a friendly and what I thought was an understanding disclaimer that none of us know where someone else is in their thoughts and how they feel. I don’t think anyone is wrong in their thoughts.

 

@fvpa01 I actually understood your post correctly and didn't take it negatively. I know you talked about your own situation (like I did about mine a few posts earlier). I just wanted some things to be clear for other people reading this topic.

 

@fvpa01 :
Thanks a lot for your post! I think i may go thru the same stages... But i am in fear, that i make a mistake when i break up with my girlfriend and come out as gay... and then i realize, that i am NOT gay. That would be horrible... But as i said, i GUESS i go a bit the same way as you. How old/young are you?


This is what causes a confusion in my case. I assume, that 99% of all gay men like the "whole man package" (the look, the romance, the body, the penis... etc.). In my case i like just the penis... will the rest come with time? I don't know... And since i don't know it is hard to take decisions. There are days i really want to be gay and come out, screaming it on the roofs. On other days i can't believe how i could even consider that...


Hmmm i don't know... But i don't think so. I guess it's because i think that Bi-persons like the "whole man package" and the "whole women package". I like women (or maybe just my GF?) emotionally. Like to cuddle with them etc... For men it's the opposite. As i said above: I like dick.[/QUOTE]


Fear is normal. It helps us think things over longer so we don’t make a rash decision we might later regret. Unfortunately it can hurt us to if we let it take over for good and never make that decision. So fear is good and it sucks. Take it at your speed and don’t let anyone rush you.

For me, I just knew when I said to myself aloud that I was gay... I was gay. It was way, way more of an attraction than a straight man might momentarily have for another man, and much less of an attraction to a female than I assumed the bi man might have. It was the emotional aspect in the attraction as well... not a fictionalized female one I put in to fool myself. I held onto the hope that an emotional love or appreciation for a woman was enough to make me not be gay. But I know I’m gay. I don’t need graphs or pie charts or therapy to know it. I just know it. But that’s not the case for everyone.

Also food for thought - Girlfriends I’ve had over the years, even one I lived with, I was able to fool myself into staying with them for a while because I thought breaking up might be a regret later. I figured well gee, I love this woman, I enjoy her company, we snuggle, we have sex and it fulfills some of my needs... breaking up would be a huge mistake. But I knew inside that if I didn’t break up I’d be faced with bigger challenges later... having to do it as a divorce when we were married, or having kids make it harder. So to ease my fear of the future I just sabotaged every relationship I had along the way so it’d either be easy for me to break up, or even better, she’d break up with me. Hope that made sense... it’s rambling.

Age. I’m old enough that I wish I had done this half my life ago. I’m 44. I don’t know how I got to be this age and am only facing my reality now. For someone young (how old are you?) my hope would be they find out who they are long before I did, and they can enjoy their fun 20s and settling down 30s being more at peace than I ever was. The world is a different place today... 25 years ago it would’ve been even harder to be gay in the world.

I think it’s safe to say all gay men like the physical body aspects of another man, or variations to it (for instance totally ripped abs don’t do much for me). And the masculine man part probably needs some better explaining. The masculine way he carries himself is what I’m talking about... his aura. Not masculine in that he has to be a hunter, love football, hate cats and poke his chest out when threatened by another guy. Just his overall persona.

It’s not a popular term in the gay community, and rightly so, but I don’t know another one... straight acting. If you hear that term, for a split second a guy type pops in your head... that’s the man that attracts me. I know it’s way less than 99% of gay guys that’d want my gay guy type for a mate, or even for sex, but I don’t know how much less. And I guess it doesn’t matter because we’re all different. Straight men have a type of woman they’re attracted to... some more a Tom boy, some more dainty, some beauty queen. That said, it’s only natural gay guys would have a type. It’s just hard sometimes to express your type when you’re gay without rubbing someone the wrong way or hurting someone’s feelings, and that’s because we’re all guys, and guys are what we’re all attracted to, and we ourselves are a type, and if that type isn’t chosen as attractive by another type I can see that being more hurtful than a woman not being attracted to a certain guy type. I mean let her do what she wants, guys and girls are different to begin with so she has her type, not too much offense taken by the guys that aren’t her type.

And here’s the last one about me. I like dick too as you put it, but I’ve never had it... I mean somebody else’s. And yet still I knew I wanted it, and that made me different than the masses. And then later wanting the emotional from the man made me different from the masses yet again. For me it was a process in my mind... straight to bi to gay. I wanted to stop the train as many times as I could before I reached the end of the line in Gayville... just hoping I could identify at another stop that was less gay. But I myself am gay. Not bi and certainly not straight.

And I think you’re right, bi men probably do like the whole man package as well as the whole woman package. I can totally see that. I had just told myself I was bi and liked both packages the same when I totally didn’t. I’d imagine a guy that identifies as bi doesn’t even have to like them the “same amount”... just like them both in their own ways that satisfy their wants and desires. I don’t know. My goal is NOT to make bi guys angry by saying “this that and the other are how they think and feel”. I don’t know how they feel. Or even how other gay men feel. I just know that for me, in my eyes, in my situation... the attraction I had for women, once dissected, still left me batting on the gay team. And until I admitted that, I never felt the relief I’ve felt the last few weeks.

 

Lexa, I understand. Hooefully I didn’t sound like I was jumping down your throat. I’m probably a little over sensitive and have a thinner skin after having so many realizations the last month and coming out to family only several hours before.

 

That's a big clue I think... Remember we are always here for support!

 

Yep, I’ve been attracted to the physical part since I was still a kid... the same age other kids probably started to be attracted to girls.

It was a long process before I actually admitted to myself that I was attracted to the emotional part as well... more than just a guy’s body. So they both probably came at the same time but I just kept pushing the emotional part to the back of my mind whenever it’d crop up because I knew it was different than the way I felt about girls. Liking girls was normal and liking guys wasn’t. And while I’d never been told by family or religion or friends that gay was wrong... I’d also never been told it was right. Even left to my own defenses I always felt gay was wrong inside. And so I struggled for an entire life up until a month ago when I finally just accepted it for what it was, and me for what I am - just a guy that has the same freedom as everyone else to be attracted to whomever I damn well please. By me ignoring my own wants and living a life lying even to myself, I was essentially trying to perform conversion therapy thru denial and sex and relationships with women.

I ran fast and far, and for a long time trying to escape the reality. Only realizing in recent weeks it’s okay to feel the way I feel. It’s not like I’m a serial killer... just a dude that like dudes. And that by hiding that from myself I was selling myself short and putting a big roadblock in the way of TRUE sexual and emotional satisfaction.

So me personally? I won’t have sex with women again, and certainly not date them... if lived that life fooling myself already. I’m not ready to be out and proud to the world, but I’m out to myself, the most important one and some family and a friend.

And if you’re thinking about gay sex when you have straight sex, AND it’s a woman who you love and respect... you need to think about what’s going on in the big picture for sure.

 

Himo, I just wanted to touch base again on a couple of things even though I’ve already tackled them.

Again, if you’re having sex with a woman, and she’s not just some random whore on the street but rather a woman you love, love being with, cuddling with, talking with and respect... and you’re still thinking about gay sex when you’ve got a vagina in your view front and center... imagine what a one-nighter would be like if that woman had none of that extra stuff you’ve got with your girlfriend. If she didn’t have the emotional connection AND you were thinking about gay sex... what’s left where having a woman there over a man is a bonus? Nothing? It probably wouldn’t be as good a time as you’re telling yourself it might be.

Now picture a guy on a one-nighter. Is that any better? To be thinking about what’s right in front of you while it’s actually there... right in front of you. And take it a step further - now think about that generic guy that’s there, the one you’re thinking about when you’re having sex with your girlfriend... what if there was the emotional connection with him? If that man was a guy you also liked to cuddle with and talk politics with and kiss. Is any of that better than your current reality?

I’m totally not telling you your thinking is wrong and you’re in denial and that in reality you’re gay as all F... I’m just saying that you might not be being honest with yourself. And if that’s the case that’s too bad, because I’m sure it’s possible to get the physical and emotional all in one sitting... the same person would give you both. Do you see that being a woman? A man? Neither? Both?

I remember a night years ago when I was having sex with my girlfriend. In the act I was picturing a man. I don’t mean I pictured a dick and a beard on her... but I imagined a man being there. And my girlfriend wasn’t. How nice it’d be to just have her be a man instead. For a few seconds I thought about everything she and I shared outside of the bedroom and how great it’d be to instead have shared that stuff with a man, and a man that was in front of me IN the bedroom. I pushed the thought out quickly and felt awful afterwards, because being with my girlfriend I should’ve been thinking about her, not even another woman, but certainly not a man. But I finished the deed and she said I really had my game on. And so I thought hmmm... I like her, I love her, she loves me, we both enjoyed the sex... I’ll continue lying to myself.

And as for you never having a type of guy that attracted you - In my case I never really did either. But that was only because I wouldn’t let myself get that far in my mind. Getting there was the next step past simply thinking about the act of sex with a guy.

Kinda stupid... but if you were told you’d be on an airplane with one other person (not your girlfriend) and you were going to crash on a deserted island and be stuck there for five years, but you could thumb thru a catalog and pick that person before the plane boarded... their looks, gender and sexual orientation... and that they were guaranteed to have a sexual and emotional attraction of their own towards you... who would you take? Remember, this one person has to fill your emotional and sexual needs. And nobody else is on this island... you can do, say and act how you want with nobody there to point fingers. Would you take a man or a woman? Who’s your first pick? And then ask yourself why. You’re living these five years just for you, you don’t have to put on a show for anyone. Who?

 

I have never dated women. I have always been gay. I never even tried to have a gf. What I feel is that I need to be "normal" so that I don't have to explain to people anymore that I am gay or apologise for being different - so if I date a woman, then I can hide the gay part.
I am confused whether I am asexual as well and since I have never really fallen in love, I don't even think I can. I have had two bfs... so just two relationships. They didn't go well, even though they were long term. I think I am attracted to men in all ways... emotionally, physically etc. I don't have a particular type. I know I like smart, creative guys, especially if they play music like I do (classical music). It's OK to be curious... I am glad I can offer some of my experiences here for you to read.

 

I was 18. It was my freshman year of college and by professor was discussing the Kinsey Scale. My twin sister had just come out as bi and then she had suffered a mental breakdown that year as well.. I was scared to come out. People kept trying to force me out of the closet which only pushed me further in. Even a different professor tried. When I went to grad school it was easier because I was around a lot people who did not know.

Even though my undergrad was a private Christian College they were pretty accepting. I was scared still because I was on a religious scholarship.

I came out at 24

 

Heckuva way to start your Sunday off and condolences on the reveal not going so positive.
Being honest with ones self and others is never a horrible mistake unless the end result involves being grilled over an open fire and I doubt your current situation will end in that extreme.

Try contacting your girlfriend.
Tell her EXACTLY how you fell and let her know you would like to continue a relationship of some sort with her.
You are NOT the bad guy and frankly NOTHING about you has changed other than your willingness to share you deepest personal secrets with some one and that reveal was so traumatic for you it appears you pushed away the one person you need most right now.
Go get her back Tiger.

 

Hey Himo,

That sucks... a breakup is never easy, even in other people’s situations where one or both people are actually relieved from a breakup... it’s still never easy. Hang in there.

From what I’ve read of your posts both in type and between the lines, I’d say you’re at a minimum bi. Or maybe gay and you’re not facing the truth. Regardless, no one knows but you and even self discovery isn’t that clearcut sometimes. It sounds like you’re more than just curious though.

But even if you’re bi, it’s still your girlfriend’s right to know, don’t you think? Telling her how you feel wasn’t a mistake. And breaking up doesn’t have to be either if you use your time to really try and examine your feelings. Think of it as a break. And in time, if you discover a relationship of some type with her is an option on your end, then possibly you can feel her out on her end for her thoughts.

You probably feel now as though you’ve lost not so much a girlfriend, but a friend. And that has nothing to do with being bi or gay or straight... everyone should be friends with their mate separate from their sexual identities. But you don’t necessarily have to lose a friend forever... just allow both yourself and her some time to wrap your heads around the situation.

Don’t think of it as the biggest mistake of your life... think of it as a step. It could be a step in your life where you’re just on a break from one another in a boyfriend / girlfriend relationship, or a step where you can return as just good friends someday, or maybe even a step in a different direction. But a step all the same.

This probably doesn’t make you feel any better, but she’s likely hurting as much as you are. You just unfortunately have a lot of guilt added because this came from you. Let her hurt, let yourself hurt. And then try and talk when it feels right.

But face what’s in front of you SEPARATE from the thought of a previous, current or future relationship with her. Put yourself first on your fix-it list right now and dig deep in your mind.

 

Just last year actually, but in hindsight it wa obvious. I’m 22, have had sex but never came. Usually would just stop after 45 or so minutes of something I’m not that into. Figured i just had poor sensitivity from masturbation, but in reality I was doing mental gymnastics. Self identified as bisexual at like 16/17. Always wanted to look like certain dudes, but now I realize I was crushing on them.

When I first considered I was gay was when I tried to do a hookup and went soft before anything really happened. For the past few months I analyzed my past and realized the facts. I’ve never really wanted a relationship with a girl, just kinda did it if they were into me. Never truly pursued. Accepted this pretty quickly since this happened last October lol now I’m just figuring out how to come out.

 

I don't know if these percentages are correct or not but my colleague didn't know it either. And I quote him: "yes, but you don't know". I remember because I was surprised to hear this. Because I knew that I had feelings for girls but didn't know what to make of it so I knew but I wasn't able to realize what it meant.