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What was your first evidence of Body Dysmorphia?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Sammy1995, Dec 17, 2023.

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  1. Sammy1995

    Sammy1995
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    I hit puberty and around 11-12 had a growth spurt so I was bigger than others guys and started growing hair everywhere. I remember going into the shower after most people had left because I was mortified. Other boys were jealous and told me as much but I just felt like crying because I just felt like a troll. I stopped wearing short sleeves after that. Lost track of the amount of times I've opined the fact that I was born a guy and that puberty was so aggressive.
     
    #1 Sammy1995, Dec 17, 2023
  2. TinyWerewolf

    TinyWerewolf
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    The first sign was after I learned that cis boys were born with different parts than I was. I thought it didn't matter at first, but as I grew up a couple more years I thought to myself "I wish I had one of those". I couldn't have been older than six or seven. Of course I had the instinct to keep that tidbit entirely to myself, repressed it even, apparently for good reason.
     
    #2 TinyWerewolf, Dec 17, 2023
  3. Sammy1995

    Sammy1995
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    I can relate I spent years shoving emotions down inside and acting out. Repression isn't healthy but it's the only coping mechanism a lot of us had. Hope you're doing better now.
     
    #3 Sammy1995, Dec 17, 2023
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  4. wouldbeElliot

    wouldbeElliot
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    The first specks of dysmorphia came as the disgust with my secondary sex characteristics a year or two into puberty. I started utterly loathing my narrow hips, feeble thighs/midsection and genitals that just felt (and still do painfully feel) out of place. The masses of body hair and growth that came with puberty only added to that, properly beating down my self-esteem to lower points, making me afraid to show my body.
    I can barely bring myself to wear short clothing, even in the scorching eastern summers. Colder seasons are paradise for me as it gives me an excuse to hide my male body under layers of clothing.
     
    #4 wouldbeElliot, Dec 17, 2023
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  5. Sammy1995

    Sammy1995
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    It still feels strange talking to other trans girls, it's like I just keep realising I'm not alone. Like so many of the things I thought were wrong with me are shared experiences.
     
    #5 Sammy1995, Dec 17, 2023
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  6. Rayland

    Rayland
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    I feel like this needs to be made clear:

    Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), also referred to as body dysmorphia, is a mental health condition. It’s best described as an anxiety disorder (specifically, a type of obsessive-compulsive disorder) involving a belief that a certain body part or physical appearance is defective or “wrong.”

    Gender dysphoria is the feeling of discomfort or distress that may occur whose gender differs from their birth gender. You want to get rid of the body parts or have desire to have the secondary sex characteristics.

    These two are sepparate, but you can have both body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria. I have both. Body dysmorphia is a mental health condition. You get hyper fixated on your looks sometimes you spend hours in front of the mirror, but it can go the other way, where you avoid mirrors, like me. I see myself differently than others see me. I might be the most beautiful person in the eyes of others, but I don't see it. I see a horrific monster looking back at me from the mirror, if I look into one. It can be hard to differentiate between body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria.
     
    #6 Rayland, Dec 17, 2023
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  7. Sammy1995

    Sammy1995
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    I tend to avoid mirrors as well I guess I struggle to see the line between the two. I avoid looking in mirrors because I have a bunch of masculine traits I hate. I'm not ugly for a guy, people have told me I'm good looking but it's not true to me because I look like a man. I have hair in all the wrong places my proportions feel off. I could be worse off I think I stunted my growth a little towards the end of puberty by starving myself so I guess I have both.
     
    #7 Sammy1995, Dec 17, 2023
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  8. Rayland

    Rayland
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    I would reccomend therapy. It can be very helpful.
     
    #8 Rayland, Dec 17, 2023
  9. Sammy1995

    Sammy1995
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    I've started that process recently but getting access to mental healthcare in the uk is so awfully bureaucratic. I think at some point I want to just pay out of pocket (if I can afford it) to see a psychiatrist who specialises in gender and sexuality. I don't know how much CBT helps with my issues unless I admit to them that I'm closeted trans.
     
    #9 Sammy1995, Dec 17, 2023
  10. Rayland

    Rayland
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    Ah yes I've heard it's horrific in the UK. I hope you can talk about at least your body image, even if not admitting you are trans, just yet. It's not something that happens only to trans people.
     
    #10 Rayland, Dec 17, 2023
  11. TinyWerewolf

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    One day it'll be better, just gotta make it north
     
    #11 TinyWerewolf, Dec 17, 2023
  12. chicodeoro

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    As Rain has pointed out, body dysmorphia is a very different kettle of fish to dysphoria.

    I'm lucky in a way, in that I've always been thin and even in my 50s have quite androgynous looks. My dysphoria only started at almost the exact moment I realised I'm trans. Up until then I'd always been quite ambivalent about my body. I mean, it worked. That was all that mattered. Any unwitting envy I felt towards other females was entirely mixed up with sexual attraction.

    CBT is very much a sticking plaster therapy, Sammy. But it's the only game in town if you want free therapy on the NHS. There's no harm in admitting to the counsellor you're allocated that you're trans though...

    Beth x
     
    #12 chicodeoro, Dec 18, 2023
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  13. Sammy1995

    Sammy1995
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    It's something I know I have to work up to. Honestly seems like the best method in the UK is if you can get your GP to agree to split your care with private healthcare in an agreement, I don't think I could afford to just go private. It feels really shitty because my Dad was a GP before he retired and I was always taught to trust in the service but it's been so drastically undermined in terms of funding and I feel like I've already wasted so much time I don't want to spend years on a waiting list before I can even start to transition and I really don't want to have to do it alone with no support. I'm really scared but I can't keep living the way I was I was just miserable. Thanks to everyone on here for the support though it's a pretty wonderful feeling to open up about something I've kept inside for so long, I've still got a lot to work through but I think this is the first time in my life I've actually felt like I belong.
     
    #13 Sammy1995, Dec 18, 2023
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  14. staticinmyattic

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    Despite being AMAB, I spent puberty both hoping that I'd grow breasts. I was also terrified that I would because I wouldn't be able to hide them, and everyone would know the truth about me.
     
    #14 staticinmyattic, Dec 19, 2023
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  15. BeetheBusyBee

    BeetheBusyBee
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    Wishing I had breasts as a young teenager. I just passed it off as a horney thought all teenage boys have, however, as an adult, I now realize that should have been my first clue that I may not be cis.
     
    #15 BeetheBusyBee, Dec 20, 2023
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  16. redstatic

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    I think I was around 9. I remember looking down at my chest and feeling huge - i had just started puberty and my chest has always been really small. But it felt overwhelming and wrong and I couldn't understand why I hated it so much (or how others were fine with their bodies).
     
    #16 redstatic, Dec 21, 2023
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