What made you realize your gay /bi

Hermione

 

I'm still processing my sexuality and what it means for my marriage, my relationships with friends and so on, but I've fully accepted it myself and I'm proud to be me. Thanks.

 

For me, I think I always had a feeling that I was Bi when I was younger. My heart would feel these good feelings when I saw an attractive guy on TV or in pictures. I suppressed it for a long time until my early 20’s where I heard about the bi-curious level and thought of myself as that for awhile.

It wasn’t until a few years ago, now in my mid-30’s, that my feelings for men increased. It’s not as strong as what I feel for women, but I do like men sexually and physically (never have experienced anything with a guy before though).

A few years ago, I finally said out loud to myself that I was Bi and it was a really great feeling! I’ve recently been developing this romantic feeling of wanting to get to know a nice guy someday and maybe it growing into something. Also, been wanting to possibly kiss a guy too. I’ve had some recent dreams where I’ve had a boyfriend and have enjoyed kissing him and hanging out. All these new feelings are welling up inside and it feels natural to me.

I love that I can be myself even if I’m not out to anyone and that I can love both genders. It’s great to be Bi!

 

Perhaps the first signs were there when I just hit puberty, when I realised that I feel attraction to both girls and boys, but being taught that “homosexuality is wrong”, I’ve tried hard to shove those thoughts aside.

Later in school, there was a semi-romantic relationship with a school friend, but we both denied being attracted to each other, coming from conservative backgrounds.

when I was in college, when I met an attractive older gentleman at a cafe we were both frequenting. One day he asked me out for dinner, which turned into a full-blown date night. Even thought I felt like I’m doing something very, very wrong, I just couldn’t resist his charm and the sudden arousal I felt at his gentle touches was astonishing. Fast forward to next morning, waking up next to him after the undoubtedly exhilarating experience? I realised that it’s pointless to try to deny the obvious - that I was, in fact, bisexual.

 

For years I asked 'why'. Why can I easily fantasize about giving a blow job and get aroused, but am repulsed by giving oral to women. Why is so easy for me to fantasize about gay sex, but even though I see a beautiful woman who I know is 'sexy', I can't get aroused. I realized I was asking 'why' because I thought a 'why' would 'fix' it. I also would use remaining 'whys' to hold onto the facade that I was straight.
I am not saying that's what you are doing, and it's helpful to look back and see patterns, but I have never seen anyone here point to some event or series of events that 'made' them bi or gay.

Despite 'signs', I had heavy denial and repression. So there is a huge gap between feelings, events and realizing I was gay. I would treat my fantasies and desires as something 'wrong' with me that could be fixed, like a bad habit or addiction.
But in trying to 'solve' that I realized in a way I was admitting I was gay, I was just holding onto an idea that there was a way to not be gay.

Here are the things that helped realize I was gay:
1. Someone here suggested going to the mirror and saying "I am gay". I didn't think much of this suggestion but as I walked up to the mirror I started to shake all over. I felt I couldn't do it, but when I looked at myself and said the words I felt an incredibly high like I've never felt before.
2. Another suggestion was to simply imagine coming home to someone you love and imagine kissing them. When I finally allowed myself to do this, I thought of a guy immediately
3. I asked myself: imagine you are in a LGBT friendly city where you knew no one and you saw a cute guy smiling, would you pursue it? This made me I realize I had a fear of what others thought, but I didn't feel negatively about being gay myself, but I had conflated the two.

 

I looked back and realized, I was picturing myself kneeling before and kissing the boots of a lady I'd gotten to know... This was the first time I'd pictured myself, really, with a woman before (I'd pictured beautiful women with other men prior to that)... I realized, from there, I was deeply submissive. It was like the door to my soul finally opened, I went from only fancying perfect younger women to fancying nearly all women overnight (and nearly always pictured myself with them now.)

About a year later, an obviously gay guy started showing an overly friendly interest in me. At first, I'm ashamed to admit, I tried to avoid talking to him lol. I don't know what changed... All I know is once I opened up to the possiblity, I couldn't stop thinking about going around to his house and giving in fully to my feelings for him. I didn't try to resist or fight it, just accepted I wanted it and enjoyed these wild new fantasies.

Both of these awakenings were the same, really. Very powerful and intense, at first, then settling down in 2-3 weeks to become a part of who I am.

 

Wow looking back I realize I did something similar. A really cute guy in the apartment I lived in made obvious advances. I realize now I was aroused, but it was conflated with so much fear and shame I had mixed signals, but now I can see I was super attracted to him.

Funny I can still think about him and a couple of other guys over the years and immediately get aroused, but there isn't one girlfriend I can recall that I can have instant sexual fantasies about, which shows me I am not writing 'revisionist history' about it now that I am out to myself. It shows you how powerful denial and repression are!

 

Like many here I learned to deeply fear my feelings, but looking back, they were and are real and true - I now embrace them and feel soooo alive! I think my first crush was a beautiful neighbor of my cousin's - he was a smiling, extroverted redheaded guy, and I loved him! - there have been other attractions throughout my life - and I suppose initially being young I liked the feelings I had for Duane - there were times later that guys expressed a sexual interest in me, but again I froze inside, like the headlighted deer - wanting to grow now tho, for certain!!
( ' ,

 

I watched lesbian porn like any normal male teen (I am way out of my teens now) and enjoyed it but got bored of it. Watched gay pornography out of curiousity and found it much more fun and physical, so much so I wanted to, and did try it....

 

When I met my groom.

 

Love works in mysterious ways. This is amazing

 

We met at work (banking). We were the two guys who daily were in three-piece suits and bow ties.

 

Love works in mysterious ways, If at all lol

 

Unlike some who say they always knew, I did not. Had the first inclination and resulting panic in high school, as I have said numerous times before. Gym class, to be specific. It took keeping such a realization to myself, graduating, and finding out about bisexuality online to realize that that's what I am. Chose not to formally come out until National Coming Out Day when I was 30, 7 years ago now.

 

I came out at 30 too !

 

It wasn't at all an easy decision to make. I had been researching bisexuality and questioning whether my same-sex attractions meant anything at all before moving in to my own place again. Even then, I didn't come out right away. Still questioned, still read everything and watched all the videos I could about bisexuality and for months, between that May after moving in and National Coming Out Day, a few days less than a whole 5 months, I still refused to come out because I didn't want to say something that wasn't true. Well, October 2016 rolled around and I had just about accepted that part of myself. I was content with claiming heteroflexibility or some such, but that wouldn't have been the whole truth. It took from high school until then to admit I was attracted to men at all and all that questioning led me to the conclusion that I am in fact still attracted to and do in fact prefer women. Hadn't even heard of National Coming Out Day before then, but after hearing about it and deciding I was, and still am, in a safe enough place and time in my life to do so, I waited until then and formally came out, not only to myself despite having been around here since 2013, part of my time questioning and researching, but to the world as a whole. The responses I got weren't exactly heaps of praise, but there was no scorn and being disowned, either. Truth be told, my coming out was met with more of a meh than anything else. Counting my blessings, at least I still have my parents in my life and the people who did bother had positive responses.

 

Growing up in a conservative, heteronormative community with traditional Christian parents, I just assumed I was straight until I got exposed to gay porn when I was 14. I denied it at first and felt ashamed of my sexuality, believing it was a sin. But slowly, I accepted it and remained hidden in the closet for several years in fear of being rejected by my family. After getting some therapy, I realized how hiding my sexual orientation was negatively impacting my mental health. Soon, I came out to them as a young adult when I felt secure.

 

I think I've always known. I can remember from an early age being fascinated by the male form but growing up in the 80's, gay is not something my friends or family would've ever accepted and therefore I couldn't either. I hid it from everybody and supressed those desires, hoping to grow out of it but I never did.

The feelings/desires would surface from time to time, stronger than the last and eventually I reached the point many years later that I had to accept I wasn't straight. I had an overwhelmingly strong desire to kiss a male friend. Even then, I claimed I was bisexual but as time went by, I went up the Kinsey scale and in 2020 I finally admitted to myself that I was gay. I always had been, I knew this but it just took more time to accept it. I knew that I never had any desire to be with women. I faked interest to avoid suspicion but I never once believed that it was genuine. Realisation isn't acceptance. You can realise but not accept, which means you get stuck in a self-damaging cycle.

I'm ashamed that it took me this long to accept but I'm also proud that I did as it was the best thing for me.

 

Whenever I started attending a College University junior year, I went from never seeing a gay person in my life to suddenly seeing them everywhere on campus every single day. It was a major culture shock at first but soon became normal after a week. I didn't think anything of it. However my second semester I took a random elective class and a trans-girl was also in the same class. As soon as I saw her I felt a crazy visceral feeling inside. The feeling felt like a mixture of both good and bad feelings and I had no idea what it was. It's not often you come across a brand new feeling as an adult. It is like discovering a color you never knew existed. it just never happens. I also immediately felt the same visceral feeling whenever I saw gay people on campus. It baffled me for months until it finally dawned on me. That feeling your feeling is called envy. You just literally have never felt that emotion before in your entire life. Not jealousy but envy. I Never thought in million years I could be Bi sexual but looking back now in hindsight it was obvious. I tried to deny it for a long time but I finally accepted it and I am in a better place now.