It’s been forever since I’ve posted anything… so for a recap… last seasons on my ms stories I was coming out right before I turned 27 while married to a woman. This was almost 8 years ago. I did I that and got my divorce. Came out and started exploring my sexuality. I live in the south where even this week spent 20 mins being told I’m gonna burn in hell for being gay while sitting in a dermatologist office. What’s new… or still going on…Next year will be 8 years and I’ve still not had a serious relationship. A few fwb but no actual relationships. But now there is a guy… he’s basically my best friend. I knew I was crushing on him end of last year. But to be fair I crush on the drive through guy who smiles at me. But this spring I realize my feeling were a lot more. When I brought it in therapy she said, “yea… you didn’t know?” My mom, sister, aunt, therapist, everyone knew I was in love with the guy but me. I’ve never felt this way about anyone and I don’t like! The problem is he’s not available. He’s not out. And those obvi mean I’m just an idiot. He’s a great friend, he’s struggling with his stuff but in therapy, and he knows how I feel about him and he know how he feels about me… but the thing is I want a real relationship and I don’t know when I’ll be able to move past this! I’ve never had this feeling for anyone. What is this? Why does this hurt so bad? Why can’t I be open to people who can be open to me?
Unfortunately there seems to be a lot of avoidance when it comes to serious monogamous relationships and the LGBTQ+ community. I know what it's like to be in love with people I know I can never have, for various reasons. So I'm sorry you're experiencing that pain. Not saying you can never have him though. It might take time, but just because he's not out now it doesn't mean he never will be. How old is he if that's ok to ask? What's his living situation, work situation, family situation like? Sometimes people get so stuck in the cycle of playing a character for the rest of the world that they forget how to live as themselves. It doesn't help when we live in areas where people's attitudes seem to be geared towards leading them to sneer at our very existence, but he may have feelings for you too and maybe one day he'll be ready to recognise that and turn what you have into something more serious. Until then, you're not alone. We're here for you.
I have been avoiding it because I’ve not liked myself. I have body image issues. I need to work through my CSA and get a handle on my life so together. Part of me is hopeful we could be together. I actually have people who say this do in my real life too. But as long as he’s a friend I’ll be happy well as long as he’s happy! He’s 45. 10 years older than I am. He lives no where near me. He is married with older kids. His youngest is almost done with high school. He’s not happy in his marriage and has started couples therapy to force the convos. He said he’s not happy and doesn’t want to stay married out of obligation to his wife in therapy. He was abused as a kid too… and then again as a young adult and that’s how he met his wife. They were all part of the same group. She had his back in the situation. He hid his sexuality because of all the abuse. And has totally fallen into keeping his head down and thinking he can never be happy. “he may have feelings for you too and maybe one day he'll be ready to recognise that and turn what you have into something more serious.” He has already told me he does have feelings for me. He’s torn. Between wanting to explore his sexuality, stay married, and be in a relationship with me. We are very honest with each other!
@I'mStillStanding, it's scary how much your friend sounds like me. I can really relate to his situation as I am married with kids as well. I grew up in a Christian community that forced me to stay in the closet. CSA, emotional abuse, and religious abuse all muddied my understanding of sex and my sexuality and led me to marry my wife, just like your friend. I am in the middle of trying to turn my life around and accept who I am as a gay man. As you know, it isn't an easy thing to do. But, if your friend is truly unhappy where he is, he deserves to be happy. Keep supporting him in that. Remind him that you're there for him regardless of how he wants your relationship to be if and when he ends his marriage. You are a fantastic person and friend, and I know you will do everything you can to help this guy find happiness whether that is with you or someone else.
Reading what you’ve posted it seems like there’s a lot of similarities! At the end of the day I hope the same thing for you I do for him… you both find the peace and happiness in yourself you deserve Him and I have talked about the what if’s of our relationship. We have a running “joke” that if we come into money we will just run away and get a ranch. Even talked about that last night. But the truth is, I’d be content as long as he’s in my life as a friend… it would hurt if he wasn’t happy. But that is his choice. Outside of that… I value the friendships I’ve made, more than anything!
Relationships can be complicated. There are things I can relate to. I have body image issues too, what makes me have low self confidence and since I've been hurt before I avoid love like fire. One important thing to remember is that self-love, acceptance and communication are keys to any healthy relationship, whether it’s with others or with oneself.
