What are you thinking?

I really feel you about family problems. Being around my mother is becoming even worse for my mental health than it was before, but I can't do anything about it. The transphobic and homophobic remarks (not directed at me) I've overheard her say in the past hurt a lot.

 

I'm sorry and don't understand how people who should love us, keep hurting us after we told them what we need. Does your language have gendered words so it's harder to avoid?

 

Call My Name - AVAION

I'm gettin' numb when you call my name
It's hittin' hard like a punch in my fac

 

What am I thinking?

That I need to either go to bed or pay attention to which thread I'm clicking lol

 

I am thinking about my upcoming appointment with my therapist in an hour. I did some journaling with some prompts she provided and I bared my soul and shared it with her. She has not had an opportunity to respond yet, so I am anxious with much anxiety. I share much of my origins of my attractions to men as well as my current state. I have not ever shared some of those most intimate thoughts with anyone. I am a little scared TBH.

 

So sweet of you to respond with a reassuring note,

The appointment went well. She was so supportive and validating! This was our 4th session and she has really doubled down on her first great impression. After several false starts, I think that I have found a therapist that I am comfortable with and the I can open up and trust. I AM SO HAPPY ABOUT THAT! I did not know what to expect going into my first session. I did choose her partly because she identified as gay or LGBT (don't remember what was on her profile), but I really did not know what to expect. There is much of the community that I do not relate.

I now feel confident enough to share on a much deeper level face to face. That is such a great feeling!

 

Feeling a bit conflicted today. I set a goal to come out to 3 more people this year. It was an arbitrary thing that I thought at the time was important to me and my journey. Now I am not sure. I got really close to telling somebody a couple weeks ago, but I froze up. At first, I thought that I was just being a coward. Now I am not sure. Maybe this is something that I really don't need and should not force. Of course, I may just be overthinking and rationalizing my fears. Ugh! I am such an over-thinker! Hahahaha!

 

i don't think you are "overthinking" or "rationalizing" your fears (this from a hyper analytical guy lol).
i think terms like "homophobia" can become cliche and end up losing some of there impact of meaning. But like a tree planted in our psyche, it can have many roots and those roots can grow and affect our sidewalk, driveway and foundation of our house. We often observe the cracks or the crooked wall, and don't see the cause.
Thinking about the name of this site: "Empty Closets." As you note, coming out of the closet is not a one time event. In a heteronormative world, it's a lifelong process. Also, coming out does not necessarily reveal all the effects having lived in a closet have had on us.
"Fear" is a biological emotional response, often to real threats. i think it makes sense to think and rationalize when we experience it. The root word in "rationalize" is "rational." Though the word "rationalize" is often used pejoratively, it can be a good thing.

i suspect we are similar in that neither of us comes across to people as "gay." i've lost count of the number of times i've had to come out, most often, it seems, when a woman is asking me out on a date lol.

One of my first experiences coming out to someone i didn't know was at a book store (no, not one of those). i bought a gay novel and when i took it up to the counter, i thought the cashier was pretty cute, so i flirted. i turned the book over and showed him the picture of the author and explained i had no idea what the book was about, but i'd chosen it because i thought the author was hot looking. The cashier got an awkward smile on his face and agreed.

i agree with your thought that you "really don't need and should not force." Forcing stuff often breaks stuff, the resistance we meet has cause. i think it's best to find the cause of resistance vs forcing through it. <3

 

Yesterday was my special day and as always it suck. I am looking forward to come out to all of the family members to be myself.

Had to be a person that hand out presents to family and take a family member to a doctor and pay the bills for it yes live such's sometime

Apologies for the oversharing and if it does not find you good

 

That's where I am right now. Is it just my vanity?

 

Really loving the EC community this week! Happy, happy, love, love! Very grateful to you all!

 

I wonder if the "I'm breezy" mood option is supposed to be sarcastic. Imo it looks about ready to scream but it's holding it in. Probably. I've never heard anyone say breezy in a sincere way before.