What Are You Thinking?

I'm thinking I need another big cup of coffee!

 

That it's too early for snow! (even though it's actually not - where did summer go?)

 

Just got the news that a guy I know from another forum passed away last night I met him on a meeting a few months ago, he was a genuinely kind man. He'll be missed.

Thinking about it, it's weird how news like this, about someone you only met once, can affect you that much.

 

I'm very sorry to hear that, I imagine it must've hit you hard. :icon_sad:

 

That's sad
There was a guy at another forum. He used to post every day, had several thousands posts, worked on a project. And then he disappeared.
I never talked to him before but for the six months when he was missing, I kept thinking if he was all right.
Internet bonds are as strong as real-life ones if you let them be.

I am sorry you lost him.

 

Me too :icon_bigg

 

me three:sleep:

 

All of my library holds have finally arrived today.

 

Same :icon_redf

 

I take back every bad thing I said about my wife and her healthy eating habits...i found a bag of DORITOS in my lunch. Near the tomatoes cucumbers and strawberries. OMG DORITOS!!! I'm like so excited right now. Baked Chicken and Doritos!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I just drank a Victory. This is an energy drink made in Missoula, Montana that I became very familiar with during my time in Montana due to the 99 cent price. The after taste is... interesting if you get the regular ones (green), but the blue ones (diet) taste pretty good. I was surprised to find them for sale at my college here in California. I couldn't brew coffee this morning, so I needed it. It does cost a bit more here on account of having to pay tax (Montana does not have a sales tax), but still cheaper than going to the coffee shop. It did make me feel better faster than coffee or an energy drink normally would. Maybe it's because it brings up memories of when I lived in Montana, which are very good memories.

 

My mom just gave me all this shit about my childhood and how I'm probably wrong about my identity because memories are easy to manipulate. Never mind that the same could easily happen with her perception of my childhood... I was a really secretive kid.

 

You really need to work on that. I know she found out you lied about that, but you still might be able to convince her of something.

 

Nah, I never lied about it. Told her I figured something was always "off" but that was basically the extent of it. Which she took to say "everyone feels the same damn way, it's the autism (that I've never been diagnosed with, except by her...)" So she knows questioning my gender is relatively recent. What I want to convince her of is how normal I feel as a guy and dysphoria but she's been pretty dismissive

 

Time to fill out this application since I lost my last one...also, my manager made me go next door to buy him some death sticks (cigarettes), so he apparently trusts me with his debit card and pin number. Anyway, I bought them and didn't even get carded....I don't look old anymore. I lost all that weight, and I always get mistaken for a high schooler now. WHY. AM. I. STILL. NOT. GETTING. CARDED. FOR. ANYTHING? :icon_sad:

 

Oh. I thought she hacked an email or something. Well, in that case, you really should lie about it. More strongly. You might want to directly link it to her, say something like "I didn't want to tell you this before, because I was worried about hurting you."

Strange, my mother diagnosed me with autism too.

Yeah, I'm not advocating much honesty, am I? But lying is the only way to get through things sometimes. Not saying it will work. But it might help a little.

 

I snagged a period performance of all of Schumann's symphonies.......have I died and gone to heaven?

 

I think I want to do a YouTube Video feature all the les/bi female cops on TV....hmmmm. This may be my project this evening.

 

Nah, that you're right about. She did search through emails. Few of them (which I'd altered based on whoever I was talking with) gave my situation as being "something always felt off. Didn't link it to being a man but now that I know about gender dysphoria and being transgender, noticed how much I have in common and it's gotten me back to questioning my gender. Noticed I like the idea of being a man, always have, but didn't think I was one because (insert generic girly childhood story). I feel detached from my body but I thought everyone felt like their body was wrong, etc etc."

^ And she's right in some regard. Easy to color memories with our current prejudices and perceptions. Natalie Reed (transwoman activist) actually discussed this at length. I remember what really struck me in one of her pieces was the observation that a number of transpeople, when building their narratives, may have have childhoods not much different from a cisperson of their assigned sex. So for instance, a transwoman may have played with dolls. So could a cisman. The difference and proof then not coming from childhood but from how one perceives their gender and identity.

...Which is obvious, I know, but I can't bring that up to my mother. She'd just think it's all propaganda. I'm of the mind to just say "Sorry you don't believe me but I don't care and if you want to keep me in your life, I'm not going to have you control or dismiss me."

--

I dunno. Seemed easier to come to terms with the fact I'm not passing. Yesterday, I didn't present male. Did today. Didn't really care about passing, since a lot of that's due to factors I can't easily control (how people percieve me, my voice and body, etc). Just binded, wore guy clothes, for the sake of being comfortable in my body. I was having loads of trouble focusing in French because again, didn't really present male. Wasn't having the same problems in my binder, for algebra.

 

Well, lgbt society was shit tonight.