Wait am I trans?? Wtf is going on with my gender? ;_;

Hello everyone

Hope you are well!

So, this post is going to be quite long for a reason I'll explain right away! I've had a lot of doubts about my gender identity (from a very young age) and so I feel like there's a lot to consider when it comes to this question. I don't expect deep psychoanalysis from an online forum! I'm well aware that the answer isn't going to be given by anyone but myself, and certainly not someone I don't know at all and who doesn't know me. But in times of doubt, I've come to this forum, and found some extremely useful answers/advice, so here I am again.

I'll try to keep it short.

I'm seeing my therapist in 1 month, and on the one hand I'd like to talk to her about my doubts about my gender, but on the other hand I don't feel like it...? I want to know what's going on with all my doubts, but I don't know what I'm afraid of. Her reaction? Her answer? Afraid to find out I'm trans? That I'm not? I don't know.

So let's start with the context of these gender issues (again, I don't expect to be diagnosed or anything, just fingers pointed in a certain direction like "It's possible you're trans" or "No I don't think so for such and such a reason" or even "maybe it's another gender identity like this or that" etc...).

For context:

I'm a gay woman.

Ever since I was a little girl, I remember a lot of times wishing I was a boy.

I'm a tomboy and always knew I was gay (always only looked at women etc...), I came out and my family is supportive.

I remember when I was little (maximum 8 or 9) every birthday after blowing out the candles, or every time I saw a shooting star, I wished I'd become a boy.

On the first day of school (when I was 7) I pretended to be a boy (I was immediately unmasked by a guy in class who asked the teacher if it was true xD).

When I discovered transidentity (quite young, I'm not sure at what age, but I know 100% that I was 10 at the most), I said to myself "I want to become a boy thanks to operations" (I didn't understand at that age that there was much more to becoming a boy than an operation haha).

I almost said that to my mother, but changed my mind at the last minute, for some reason (probably the same reason I didn't tell my mother I liked girls when I was that age, because you notice it's not normal or something).

After I turned ten, I moved to another country.

So, once I got past that age (~tens years), I realized what it meant to like girls. (society, coming out etc...)

I then spoke about my gender doubts to my sister who showed me many videos about trans people and how they knew they were etc... (I love my sister, she is the best sister of the world)

These trans people in the videos said it wasn't "I want to be a boy" but "I AM a boy", and I never really said that to myself, only "I want to".

So there, thanks to the resources on the internet, I tell myself that it may be internalized homophobia. That the only way I agree to love women is if I'm a man. (to therefore become heterosexual if you follow)

After that, around 12, I had a long period of hating my body. The body changes because of puberty so inevitably it upsets... I imagined my ideal life, and in those imaginations I was a man. During this period, I was told a lot of stuff like "you are not very beautiful as a girl, but as a boy you would be super beautiful" etc..., perhaps these remarks played in my way of seeing my body? I'm not sure, but I prefer to talk about these people's comments so that you have all the elements to guide me a little bit.Then, I don't know why, I had a moment of emptiness. No more questions, no more doubts, nothing. And I was ok with my body. I didn't like it, but my body didn't bother me that much.These various little questions did remain though "What would my life be if I was a guy?", "Wouldn't my life be better/easier?". I associated those thoughts to internalized homophobia, but I am not so sure anymore...For 1 reason:Not so long ago, I saw a TikTok on YouTube, of a trans guy talking about how kill all men impacted the trans community and blah blah blah. Not very relevant for my question right? BUT at some point, he said: "Demonizing the word 'Man' and men in general, leads to a lot of trans guys not wanting to be men because they think "What the fuck? No I'm not a man. I don't want to be a man. But it's not because they don't want to be a man, it's just that they don't want to be what society shows what men are like" I don't remember what he said exactly but it was something like that ToTBasically: "men are trash. I hate men. So I don't wanna be a man, because I don't wanna be something like that" sorry for the mean way of putting it but I'm exaggerating it, in hopes of making it more clear.What he said made me think: "What if I do wanna be a man, but I have the problem he just talked about?" Because several times I went "yeah men are trash I dont wanna be a man etc..." (Once again, I vulgarize and exaggerate my thoughts to make them clearer.)

So, I thought, maybe it isn't internalized homphobia, but trans-identity?

I feel like I struggle a lot less with my body lately, so maybe I'm not trans FTM, but that doesn't mean I'm not trans at all. What makes me think that I might be trans, is that these are thoughts I have had for an extremely long time.

HOWEVER, since I'm a tomboy, people often refer to me as "he" (because they think I'm a guy, sicne I'm very androginous). When someone says "he", it doesn't make me feel particularly good, which is why I think that maybe I'm not trans? But at the same time, i struggle with 'accepting' (if that's the right word?) my breasts and sort of my genitals? I actively try to hide my breasts, but my genitals don't bother me that much (maybe because I'm not sexually active?). Which, again, makes me think that I am not trans.But then (this is where it gets kind of embarassing lol), comes the moment where I watch porn and the moment of masturbation, and I often think that I would like to have a penis. I know that porn was made to turn you on and stuff, but I still don't think that everyone just goes "damn I rlly want a penis".

I would just like to have one. Whether it be for masturbation, everyday life, or just the fact of having it. Little things like the little hump or bump or whatever it's called of your pants. And I can definitely imagine sex with a penis (on me lol). But, the sex question might be too abstract, since I am still a virgin and not sexually active at all. Imagining sex with my vag doesn't seem to bother me THAT much either.

I'm just very confused, because I don't feel like a man, but still want a penis, and have had all these doubts my whole life...

I have looked into other gender identities (mostly non-binarism and stuff like that), but nothing really seems to fit me.Am i trans? Or is it really just internalized homophobia? I'm just very confused and it's very frustrating, because the moment i think that it's nothing, or that it was just internalized homophobia, I always think about the fact that me wanting to be a boy has lasted for a very long time. And even though I don't actively wish to be a man anymore, it still feels like there is something about my gender (current gender she/her) that feels kinda off. I know i should talk to my therapist about it, but at the same time, like I said, I don't really want to. And the only place i feel comfortable to let it all out is here...

And now, after writing this I'm thinking "yeah i definitely don't want to be a man", but lately (it happens more and more often), I think that maybe I would like to be a man (at least physically). I haven't really looked into genderfluidity, but now that I've written all these thoughts down, I'm thinking that all this "I wanna be a man", "No never mind", "I feel neutral", "No I feel like a woman", might just be thoughts of a gender identity in between? Though He/him pronouns never really felt right for me... But gender and genitalia are 2 different things, so I'm still kind of in doubt. I don't know I'm just so confused T_T

This text is very long and confused but thank you for reading it. I feel like writing all this down helped me be less frustrated and make my feelings even just a little bit more clear (?), so even if you don't read until the end or don't answer, it's ok.