Venting

It's ok you have a lot going on. Just try and take care of yourself. Hugs

 

Sending lots of hugs. These situations are really hard at the best of times and even harder when you're simply not at your best, whatever the reason. Don't go beating yourself up for "mistakes" you may have made, even with training we don't always act the way we ought to, we simply react. I've had training for talking with people who are suicidal and have even talked one person down from the top of a multi-story car park - but I completely missed that my son had been self-harming for months until it was almost too late.

 

Your anger is totally understandable. When you share something which is still delicate for you, people should respect it and keep it for themselves. That happens a lot where I live, but I've learnt to accept it. We have a saying in Galician, but it's a bit too rude, haha. So I won't share it publicly.

 

Never suppress it. If things aren't cool, it's always great to be a rebel and ignore them all.

Your happiness is not negotiable.

 

My Dad always had the same mentality, I guess I stopped trying to impress him at some point because it was always 'oh that's good but you could have done better' Negative reinforcement isn't helpful. I also found it just made me more rebellious because the bar was set so high. I don't know you that well but you seem like a genuinely good person it sucks that you're dealing with so much.

 

I feel identified to a lot of things that are happening to you, Rayland... And I agree with you: it's not easy. Conflict is never easy. Self-learning hurts a lot, as we have to deal with disappointment and frustration. We walk through life sometimes with preconceived ideas of how people should be, or how we have to react and act, but there are times when we find out that we were wrong. Or, as my therapist says, we couldn't know how to act because we never learnt how to, and it doesn't mean we have failed.

I've dealt with sucidal feelings, mine and from other people. My thought never crossed the line of being just feelings: I've never hurted myself physically... but I've felt so tired to go on, and understood why people could take away his life. A year ago, a good friend of mine told me that he felt that without him life would keep going and it wouldn't matter to anyone. I couldn't deal with it, as back then I was not ready and dealing with my own "demons". And, for some other reasons, I ended up breaking up with all my friends and my past life. It was no direct reason, rather than I felt sick towards his sudden wild lifestyle and some decisions that I couldn't understand nor agree with them.

But thanks to this breakup I've learnt something. Loneliness is never the answer. As they've told you in this thread, we must look first for ourselves, always. But we share our path with other people. And we often disagree with them, and even, in some cases, we have arguments, we got angry, we have to be far away from the others just to heal our wounds. If you and your friend don't talk to each other now maybe you have to let it flow, as time is the only healer. But don't put all your money on that. It's really hard where does it end the natural feeling and need of being alone to talk to ourselves, reflecting and pondering things, take some time to enjoy and relax... and where it becomes toxic and dangerous, and we sink in a feel of misunderstood lonelyness, that we mistake for independence.

For me, it's my biggest and thoughest challenge. I'm battling it right now. It's my demon. I've been all my life taking care of others and not myself. I don't know what I really want, because almost all of my life decisions have been determined by what others wanted or expected from my. And, when I broke up with my friends and family, I thought that couldn't (and didn't want to) help others anymore. But I was mistaken. I want to: it's what I've learnt, yes, but also it's what I want to do. Because it fells good. Give love, that's all.

But I can't be responsible of others. That's what I want to tell you, Rayland. I've got no definitive answers, but a path that I have to walk right now, and it's this: you can take care of someone, but not being responsible of his or her fate. It's never a choice, but a curse. I've grown up in an environment full of sacrifice for others: my mother have "sold" her life to take care of me and my siblings, her mother... and not herself, and now it hurts her, after all these years. That's what I've learnt. And this environment never allowed me to express how I felt, because it meant that I was failing. I feel always ashamed of asking friends to go out, as if I was bothering them... even when I knew it wasn't, and they expressed again and again their love to me. And I always feared to express my feelings, because it implied to show how vulnerable I was, and telling secrets (my sexuality, for example) that could leave me finally to be alone. I've been all my life taking decisions for others and fearing to express myself. And I can't go on like this anymore. I must not.

We fail. We cause harm. It's life. There are things that we cannot control, and not only from the outside world, but from ourselves. What we can do, when we face our "mistakes" (even if they were caused by our lack of self-learning), it's to decide what to do after that. And that's a though path, but if you have identified what you have to do do, and need to, and want to, believe me, you have made the very first and most important step. I send you a big hug and all my support. I understand how you feel, even if our "conflicts" are different, and you have me, and us, here for everything you need.

 

I feel very moved by this. I've been in a similar situation last year, throughout the conflict that I've told you in my last message. If it helps you... I want to tell it to you.

I've been very angry with my best friend, too. He was also the very first real friend that I've made. We have a lot in common and through all these years (13 years...) we've been building strong bounds between us of mutual confidence and intense emotion. Maybe too much.

Suddenly, just in the middle of an ongoing depression, I felt that I was not being listened by him. I've always been there for him, listening to his problems, but I felt like he didn't spend the same amount of time attending to mine. That was another "drop of water" who cause the glass to overflow. I needed my own space, but I thought that he wasn't giving enough of it for me. And my problems were huge, too.

But, through terapy, and despite maybe he "lost control" and was more focused on his own problems rather than others' (and he had the right to do so)... I have discovered that, at the end, what was harming me was my own fear of talking and letting others to know me. And I've been paralyzed a lot of times by those words: "nobody can understand me".

Yes, there are things that nobody could understand about me. My sexuality, for example, would be always a "tale" for others, because it's my experience, only mine. But it doesn't mean that people doesn't care about me. When I came back home last summer and tried to rebound my relationship with my friend, he understood my situation, but he was angry too. And he reproached me: "I've been always there for you. Why you didn't trust me?". And my answer was: "I didn't know how, even after all these years of friendship... and it hurts me".

Now, this Christmas, it's been a continuous battle against my own fears. I couldn't dare to pick up the phone and call my friends just to meet them. I was afraid, very afraid. But I had too. It's the only way. I'm not bothering anyone. I'm just trying to build my own space. Because "I'm in charge of my own life".

I couldn't see any hope back then, last year. I almost gave up the fight. I couldn't perceive the love that he and they were offering to me. I can't change that: I can't undo the past. But I can build my own future. And the answer that I've found is... love. I've been in a similar situation as you: I was not able to feel happy for anything related to my friends. In fact, I was so angry that I felt nothing for my best friend, and I really loved him. And you know what? Today we meet. We've been drinking coffee at his house, and we were talking about ourselves: he told me his situation, I told him mine. Like in the old good times. But we both know that things are not the same. And that I need my space, and I have to stablish limits. I'm not in charge of anyone but myself. And, last summer, he could have decided to cut definitely our relationship, and I would have understood that, even if it hurted. We cannot decide for others. But there's another chance for us. And it's been offered by time itself. Time put things in its right place. It doesn't mean that we don't have to do anything, of course.

So... you've been clear about what you want, and it doesn't make your feelings less confusing. But it's the beginning of the process, believe me. You have to take control of your own life, keeping in mind that relationships may not be meant for forever. They could be healed, or not. But the main goal is to take the chances that would make yourself proud of your decissions. And true friendship can go on, though it hurts.

 

He's doing OK, thank you for asking. A lot of it was the stress of dealing with his mother whose behaviour was becoming increasingly erratic and verbally violent. With the help of some counselling, he's now got strategies to help release the stress through other means than cutting his arms.

Sorry for the slow response, I've had my own week of hell. I hope things are improving for you