TW: I'm realizing I may have been abused

That's actually what I want to do, choose life. I've been living the living death you describe, although never quite so conciously as now. It's becoming harder to live with. I keep facing the same dilemna and feel so far away from any solution. I want their acceptance more than anything, but you're right I'll never get it. My mom has actually told me that to my face. In a way, I feel more isolated than ever, I feel broken. This hurts in a way that is difficult to describe, the only word that's close to that aching/ choking on tears type of pain is heartbroken.

I've been trying to follow your advice of taking it one day at a time, mostly because that's all I can manage. Some days are easier, more neutral, than others. I'm trying to keep myself distracted in healthy ways like crafts, reading books, playing instruments, singing, etc. Keeps me from ruminating as much. It's support from friends that helps the most though, so thanks for taking the time to respond in here, Beth.

Thanks for not letting me be alone through this, that goes for all of you.

I was hoping I'd find it in my bio family, but I found that love and acceptance through y'all so far. I hope one day I find it (or it finds me) outside of here too. Thanks for responding with hopefulness, mine is kind of running out as of late.

I'm slowly learning about the cycle of abuse, how it works, that way I can recognize her behaviors for what they are. I realized I learned to 'gray rock' and 'beige rock' a whiiile back before I knew what they were called, it's part of how I got to where I am. She's not totally against me having a better future or she wouldn't have let me use her phone to do my virtual interview for a raise- but she wants me to be someone I'm truly not.

I wish I could say her bigotry was a shock, but it's not. I've got enough in my account I could disappear for at least a little while if I withdrew it all at once. I have (or had, haven't heard from either of them yet) an offer from a trans friend and his partner (who is kind of also a friend, don't know them super well). I have three quarters of a mind to take them up on it if I ever hear back.

Thanks for your support,

Thank you, I've gotten in this nasty habit of blaming myself for this stuff. I don't know how to undo it, I keep thinking if I wasn't trans/ had been assigned male at birth, if I was straight or did something differently it wouldn't be this way. But it would still be that way, wouldn't it? I'm just making a fool of myself.

Thanks for comforting me, having friends like you helps.

I'm trying my best, I have a bit saved up at least.

 

Thank you, Beth, you're right about that. That part of what I wrote was self hatred and anger teaming up to kick me upside the head. It's probably their treatment of me permeating the rational part of my brain too- that's the kind of thing they'd say to me. I can't think of the specific way it was worded, but there was something like, "It's ok that you cry when you're sad often, girls just need to do that sometimes." There's a lot of sexist, racist, homophobic, transphobic bs I've heard out of them. Sometimes that poison starts to seep in.

Dysphoria does eat me alive from time to time, the only thing I can do is vent here about it though. My coworkers are accepting and even try to use my pronouns when it's safe, that's the tiny bit of relief I get. I'm trying to be nicer to myself, but that is difficult.

 

Hey @PrettyBoyBlue ! I wondered what happened to you, hope you're doing better now! Glad to hear from you again!

Thank you, I tried not to talk about it much before now. I did kind of have blinders on for a good chunk of their actions- made excuses for her, automatically protect them, blame myself, etc. I was always like, "Oh, that's not abuse- they don't beat me. They're not being manipulative. Screaming at me and calling me crazy hurts, but they're just in shock. I can't use that label to describe what they've done." It was thanks to people here, a few irl friends, and the conversations we had that I finally opened my eyes. Certain things like looking through my phone and social media were the norm in my family, I didn't even know most people didn't do that.

I'm working on saving money on the outside of the account. Before I make a new one, I have to figure out where to have any mail associated with it sent. Sometimes they'll open my mail, I probably wouldn't care about it if I was in a better situation.

You're right about leaving all at once, that's the only way I'll pull this off. I hate that I have to, but what choice do I have, right?

It's not extreme sounding to me. A bit odd to hear? Yes.

 

If I talk to you regularly or have recently, I apologize for being gone a lot lately. Please forgive me, I'm massively depressed currently. Debating on whether I need a new therapist too through this.