Hello there! Okay, this is a bit awkward, but here we go. I am 20 years old, female. In the past year I have started to realise that I like girls, though I haven't had the courage to tell anyone yet. The whole topic is kind of embarrassing to me. A few weeks ago I started meeting up with a guy. Initially I did not even plan on dating him and we started out as friends. However, very quickly a lot of sexual tension built up between us. We have already been pretty close with each other and I found it to be super intense. At the same time, I don't want to be thinking about the fact that I like girls but haven't told anyone yet every time I am around him. When I am with him, I want HIM to get my undivided attention and presence. Now I don't even know if this relationship is doomed to fail...but I don't want to stop seeing him either. (Also, I am a virgin, so it feels like I have a lot to lose if I make a dumb decision. Maybe this is just bad timing, but I don't think it's a good idea to have my first boyfriend just around the time when I should actually come out, either as bi or gay/lesbian.) I am aware that I might just be bisexual and I have definitely admired men before - but I am also aware that I may only use this label to ultimately avoid the fact that I "prefer" girls....though I am really unsure about all of it at this point. I am not unattracted to men and can get aroused *dripping wet* around them (if this isn't too much information) but I still feel very unsure about everything at this point. A lot of the time, my mind starts ruminating over labels. It confuses me and is hard, if not impossible to decipher. I don't know what my head/heart is trying to tell me here. Your advice is very much appreciated!
Hey Sandra, at twenty years old, it's the perfect time to explore this. That's literally what everyone is doing at that stage of life. If you have chemistry with this guy and you're turned on when you're with him, it's fine to just go with that and have fun. You don't have to commit either. You can be upfront and tell him that you really like him but you're not sure if you're ready for a relationship and that you want to date around a bit before you get into an exclusive relationship. It sounds like you might be bi. It could just be hormones at play but my advice is to just go with what feels right. Date some people, male and female, see what feels right and just go with that. You're lucky really. I understand how you feel about it and it makes perfect sense. But you're alive, you're young and you have the opportunity to discover your sexuality. If you can, give yourself permission to enjoy that and value it. It's a gift rather than a burden.
Sandra.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) when that becomes necessary! *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. In particular you may want to check out the forum that is titled "Sexual Orientation”, there are people there who have dealt with some of the same kind of issues that could be challenging you. I'm a believer in honesty is the best policy. So telling him that you really like him but are not sure that you are ready for a relationship just yet could be an idea. That kind of puts him in the "friend zone" and he may not like that...so give it some serious thought. The concept is to not burn your bridges with him while at the same time giving yourself some room to work out what you feel like your sexuality is leaning toward. Some info on how to navigate EC: When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message. .....David
Hey welcome to EC. That is slightly unfortunate timing but sometimes that is what life throws at us isn’t it. It is really up to you. You can stop whatever is happening with this guy whilst you figure things out a bit more or you can see what happens with the guy. A lot depends on how you feel about him and the situation.
Hey Sandra, welcome to EC! I’m Loz and i’m a 25 year old woman who struggled with compulsory heterosexuality and identified as bi for years before coming out as lesbian a few years ago. I can completely relate to what you are saying because yes, you are correct that you could be bi or lesbian but there are also so many other possibilities. But firstly you need to ask yourself if you could be truly happy with a man because you could be experiencing compulsory heterosexuality too. I would recommend looking up the ‘Am I a lesbian?’ masterdoc, it really helped me figure stuff out. Also you could be homoromantic and bisexual which would be where you are romantically attracted to only the same sex but sexually attracted to more than one sex which would explain the arousal. If you have any questions, feel free to ask or if you want to talk, that’s great too! good luck x
Hello @Sandra76, and welcome to EC. The best advice I can give you is: take your time. There's no need to rush into doing anything you're not certain of, whether that's getting into a relationship or finding a label that fits (or none at all). Even if you have a preference for girls over boys, it sounds like the guy you're currently dating might be the exception. There must be something about him that's special, that sets him apart from a lot of other guys. But it's also possible any uncertainty or fear you're feeling has as much to do with your inexperience as any other factor. I would even go so far as to say it plays a pivotal role, especially at this specific stage in your life. It's also a good idea to mull over whether to talk to him about what you're going through. You've been dating for a few weeks you said? Depending on how well you two get along and your level of comfort with him, I'd say communication is really important--but that doesn't mean you have to rush into telling him right away. This is your truth to tell, and one that you should do only if/when you're ready (even if you don't know what the truth is, precisely). From my perspective, it sounds like you're bisexual since you've admitted to attraction to both men and women, but like you're uncertain the label fits socially (in the sense that if things don't work out with him, you might be more comfortable focusing on women only). And that's okay--you are under no obligation to use a label that you don't feel matches your experience, nor do you have to use a label at all. I hope this is of some help, and that you're able to work through things as smoothly as possible.
I've done some research and apparently I have been struggling with what is known as SO-OCD. While I find it helpful to know that I am not the only person to struggle with this, I am still super confused about everything. I don't even know how accurate/true my thoughts are at this point. And I can't stop thinking about labels and gender categories. Any advice on how to deal with this? Also, how does this change your views on my current situation?
Hi. You might be letting the fixation on defining your labels (so-ocd) create confusion and uncertainty. Maybe instead of having that be the focus, just worry about whether or not your attraction to girls is going to be an obstacle in having a relationship with guys. Like, if this guy you are talking about was a girl, would you be concerned that your attraction towards guys was going to make you uneasy about committing to a girl? Most people who are ready to commit to a relationship are not concerned about these issues because they only have eyes for that person.
Sandra.....OCD is a serious condition - I know because I am a victim of OCD. However, I'd like to caution you about giving too much credence...too much power to OCD in your life. You have established that you are attracted to women and then a guy comes into you life to whom you feel attraction. First of all making any kind of a decision on such a short notice is not a good idea. Second, our emotions can get ahead of us quickly and get us in trouble before we even realize what is happening. I am in no way suggesting that he isn't the guy for you, I am merely saying that you should examine this situation very carefully. Yes, you could be bisexual as opposed to lesbian. Sometimes sexuality takes time to make itself itself known...to become solidly evident. OCD can muddy the waters and cause a lot confusion. Unless you have already had symptoms of OCD, I would doubt that it is playing a part in this situation. If you have had problems with OCD in the past, then I would suggest that you consult with a therapist concerning this. OCD can "hijack" your brain and cause you to accept things that are just not true which can confuse the situation greatly. Medication and working with my therapist has led to tremendous improvement in my OCD...to the point where there are days that I'm not even aware that I have it! Talk to a certified therapist to be sure that what you are dealing with is indeed OCD. If it is, there are medications that can help and there are things that your therapist can show you that will also help. If it turns out that it's not OCD then you may be coming to the realization that you are bisexual...and there's nothing at all wrong with that! It just means that your dating pool just doubled in size!! In which case I think congratulations are in order!! So, please keep in touch with us here on EC...we do care and hope that this will all work out for the better for you! .....David
Sandra76, welcome and glad you made your way to EC! Have you seen a therapist about the OCD? That could help a lot. I spent almost a year with a therapist and it’s been just amazingly helpful. Between support here and there it might truly sort it all out. Hope you find what you’re looking for here. BTW, the answers are there and it’s not about anything but sorting it through for yourself with a little help from your friends..
