So I want to come out to my mom. At first I thought I'd rather keep this part of my life private but now it really started bothering me that she keeps assuming I'm straight. She knows I spend a lot of my free time in queer circles (I tell her I go to drag shows, have tons of queer friends, went to a pride parade etc) and she says stuff like "You should expand your social circles, you know you won't find a boyfriend in those environments". When talking about relationships, she always says "your future boyfriend", she never adds "or girlfriend". She also knows about my crush on a trans girl, and she always misgenders her. She is not homo- or transphobic though, she just finds it all difficult to grasp. I want to tell her something like "You know, the reason why I still like [my crush's name] after I realized she's a girl, is because I like girls". I'm sure she would accept me because she loves me. But a part of me doesn't want her to know. And I'm just mad at the fact that we have to come out at all, that parents automatically assume their child is straight. Another issue is that I'm not 100% certain that I'm bisexual because: -my brain keeps telling me that my feelings aren't real -my sexuality is very fluid and my preferences change all the time -I have never been in a relationship or had sex with anyone so I have no material proof of my attractions and can't be sure that I would actually enjoy being with women and men. But deep down, I know myself and I know that I am bisexual. I don't know if I should clarify to my mom that I have some doubts? If I do, she might think I'm undecided, it's just a phase, and I might soon realize I only like men. But I've had these thoughts about women since middle school. Perhaps my mom thinks I cannot possibly be queer because she already has a gay child: my brother. It took her a long time to accept it but she supports him now.
So from what you said, I don't think your mom assumes you're straight and probably knows in the back of her mind that you're more likely to be BI instead. All the cards are kinda on the table to see at this point, since you're open about having many LGBT friends, your crush, and already having a gay sibling in the family. She probably hopes you're undecided, (since you out right haven't clarified your BI yet), and is trying to influence you to be straight. Or at least date a guy or two first, get married to one of them, and give her grand-babies. Your Mom had a hard time accepting your brother and she's probably is having a hard time accepting that part of you too. Since you're both women, she may see a little bit of herself in you, making it that much harder. I could be wrong but that is immediately where my mind went when reading your post.
Thanks for your reply. I think you're right that my mom knows I'm not straight in the back of her mind. I think she's trying to deny it. When she found out my brother is gay, she was still hoping, for a long time, that eventually he will fall in love with and marry a girl.
Aelin.....Coming out can be wonderful and terrible. Occasionally at the same time! *****You might want to consider using a letter when the time comes to tell your mom. A big plus to a letter is that you don't have to be present when the letter is read. That can be a very big help as it eliminates the potential face-to-face confrontation that can sometimes be difficult. Coming out in writing means you will not be interrupted or face a barrage of questions that you need to answer immediately, in the heat of the moment. You get time and they get time too and that counts for a lot. It gives the people reading the letter some time to think before they talk to you. After all, you've had time to think about your sexuality, perhaps for years…giving them at least some time to think about it too only seems fair! There are some great sample coming out letters here on Empty Closets that could be a big help to you. You can edit the letter(s) to fit your situation. Even if you don't eventually use the letter, taking time to think about it and to write one will help you to be sure to say what you need to say and leave out the rest! You can then use the letter as a "script" for when you do come out face-to-face. Check out the letters (see below)...they could be a real help! *****Also...when you do come out, whether it's tomorrow or a year from now, your mom and/or friends will probably have questions. Take some time now to think about what those questions might be. Such as; "How do you know you're bi?" or "How long have you felt this way?" etc. The questions themselves will vary a great deal depending upon your family and friends...so take that into consideration. If you work up a list of five or six probable questions with the answers already planned, you will likely be perceived as a more mature, serious person. *****COMING OUT LETTERS: http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out-letters.php *****Remember...you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! Keep us updated on how things are going for you! .....David
Hey, perhaps it’s time to write her that letter first if you can’t speak to her in person how you feel and then see how it goes and let her come to you about it.
She will most likely be ok with it but will need some time to process it. She will probably be surprised. She might ask a lot of questions that I would have to prepare myself for.
