Since the beginning of this year it's been my new year's resolution to come out and be true to who I really am to the people I care about. I've come out to some close friends, friends in the gay community, and people who I knew would be very supportive. I've also come out to my older siblings. Everything was going good so far. However, last Monday things turned badly for me. I dated a girl in high school for about half my senior year (im a 3rd year college student now) who I cared about a lot. Things obviously didn't work because once it was time to go to the next level, I couldn't do it (being more attracted to guys). I ended the relationship because I was so confused and upset by it all. We still maintained a friendship, although not as good as it once was. She died in a car wreck on Monday morning and I've been taking it really hard. It's difficult to eat, sleep, and I've cried more than I ever though I could. The two of us saw each other during the holiday, but I've been so busy consumed with my issues and I haven't gotten around to catching up with her lately. She never found out that I was gay, and now I'm just hopeless that I never got the chance to tell her, and explain everything and let her know how much I cared. Yesterday I had to bury my first friend and person from my high school class, so I haven't had much experience with people dying who are my age... someone with so much ahead of them. It just breaks my heart because she was such a good, happy, and wonderful person who's now out of my life forever. I ended up seeing a lot of people from high school yesterday at the funeral and it was really difficult, with some people knowing I'm gay and some not. A bunch of us went to dinner and some people would say gay jokes that I might have gone along with in the past, but I got pretty mad at last night and found them to be a bit hurtful and offensive. My parents are really worried about me and I'm just not ready to explain everything on my mind to my extremely religious parents, yet. I feel like theorpy might be a good option, but I've never done anything like that and am a bit afraid to take that leap. This is sort of a new lose for me, so maybe it'll just take some time for me to deal with. There's also been so many thoughts going on in my head. All the intimate conversations and times we did stuff together keep me awake at night. It makes me so confused because I know I'm gay, but I cared about her so much.... sigh. Sometimes you just don't realize til it's gone though. Sorry that this is so long and sort of like a journal entry... but what do you all think? If I can find any good in this event, I'd say that it's opened my eyes into seeing that I need to let the people I care about know and try to treat people better, because a life is precious and can be taken away in an instance. So thanks EC people for being there for me
Hi dfgnan 21, Wow, that's really a sad story and a major loss. My heart goes out to you and I'm sure you'll find more support from the rest of the gang here(*hug*) . You're going to have some rough days ahead as anyone would when they lose a close friend or someone they cared a lot about. It doesn't matter that you are gay and she was straight. If you lose a loved one, it hurts like hell. Sounds like you're also blaming yourself for not having told her that you are gay. Hey, that was your choice with no idea on your part that something so tragic would happen. There are lots of things we would do differently if we knew what would happen tomorrow. If you come from a religious family, it should be some comfort that your girlfriend knows now, even without you telling her. Allow yourself time to get over the loss. Concentrate on the good times you shared. Those are moments that no one can take away from. Then comes the lesson learned. It's a lot easier to be on the same sheet of music with all of your friends and family. Work on coming out to the rest so you don't have to play charades, making up different stories for different people. It really helps when you can just be yourself, without having to concentrate on playing a role as someone you are really not. But don't jump the gun. Therapy or a good counselor is an excellent idea. Try to avoid adding new complications while you are still mourning your friend. Yes, it takes time. Some of the pain may haunt you for years to come. One of my best friends hanged himself in 1999. It still hurts to think about it but I cherish the time we spent together. Hang in there. It will get better(*hug*) .
I'm so sorry for your loss. I went through some grief training at one point in time. I would suggest that you sit down and write a letter to your friend who died telling her everything you wanted to tell her. My beliefs tell me she already knows but this will be good for you and help you release some of the baggage you are hanging on to. You can do whatever you want with the letter afterward. Take it to her grave, burn it, or just keep it. Then try to focus on the happy times you shared together. My heart goes out to you. It's never easy losing somebody you care about but its extremely difficult when a young life is cut short. Becky
Wise words from Lorenz. It strikes me that you are actually grieving in two ways. One for the loss of someone who was a really good and very much loved friend, and two - for the loss of the chance to be totally truthful to someone you really cared about. You can do nothing about the loss of your friend - except to remember her, treasure the good times and hold them dear. For the other 'loss' - all I can suggest is that you choose to believe that she would have been supportive and thankful for your honesty, had you gotten the chance to tell her. Maybe you can never be sure - but to honour her memory (and your feelings) I think that is the approach to take. All you can do now is move forward. Perhaps therapy is an option - perhaps you can "tough it out" for a week or two and see how you feel. As far as your "religious" parents go - and other friends as well - all you can do is keep going and choose the moment when it feels right to reveal your truth to people. Good luck with everything - but don't dwell on what didn't happen (you had no control over that) - think about what CAN happen, what you can control, and work towards that. Condolences for now - but good luck for where you are going.(*hug*)
i am sorry for the lost of your friend i know it hurts like hell right now over time it does get better i was already in therapy for other problems when my mom died i took it really hard and blamed myself my therapist i was seeing had me write 3 letters to my mom 1 telling her i was gay and the other telling her how sorry i was for everything i did to hurt her and one saying how i thought she would react to me being gay and how sorry i was writing those letters really helped me i still have them today now when i think back i have good memory of her therapy is a option if you dont think you can deal with it on your own
I'm really sorry to hear about your loss. How tragic. I think you've received some very good advice here. I sensed that you were questioning why you were feeling as bad as you were and was it normal. Well, my therapist often says that if you DIDN'T have a lot of emotions around an event like that, THEN you would have something to be concerned about. It is very natural for you to be upset, and you need to allow yourself this time to grieve for the loss you have experienced. I wish you peace at this very difficult time. Be sure to take care of you.
I'm really sorry to hear that. May she rest in peace... Word. I was going to say something similar. As for your religious background, it's not a good idea to mix up those thoughts with you're going through now. You can focus on that later with all the support you want from this place. This forum can be a real outlet if you let it. Professional therapy can't hurt too. Good luck
As everyone else has stated, I am so very sorry for your loss. As far as feeling bad or guilty for not letting her know about your sexuality, well this is how I look at it. I don't know how you view religion and God and all, but for me, I would choose to believe that if she didn't suspect it before, she most certainly knows now that she is in Heaven. No it's true you did not personally tell her, but that is fine. I like the idea about writing her a letter from your heart. Although not a golden spike, it could very well be a catalyst for you to get over this sorrow and feeling of emptiness you have. Most importantly is to not get into a deep, dark hole and lose sight of your goals in life. You are you and have much to live for and I believe those that have departed well before their time would not want any of us who have remained to stop living and lose the zest for life. Although we will most likely NEVER know, there is a reason each of us are here on Earth. Some are here for longer times, others shorter, but each one makes an impact of some kind! I am only 32 years old, but I have live well beyond my years! I hope this helps and makes sense. If not, feel free to e-mail me! Eric
Well, all I can do is say thanks to everybody. I wrote a letter to my friend and it did help. After the funeral, writing the letter, and the support from everyone I'm finally starting to accept the death and getting a bit of closure. It's still really painful. I think about her all the time and I wish she was still here, but I've got to keep living and I'll just have to cherish our time together and keep her memory alive. Some of us are setting up a schoarship in her name too, so it'll be good to help fundraise for that. Again thanks! Also, I took a big leap and finally told my parents that I was gay last night. I was hoping for the best, and preparing for the worst. I'll go into more details in the "Coming Out" section of the forum and share some of my experience later in the week. Thanks everybody again for the love (&&&)
Congratulations! The fundraising for the scholarship sounds like a great way to honor your friend's memory. I can't wait to read your coming out story.
Thanks Becky, from what I've read from your posts you sound like a wonderful person/mother. Your son is very lucky to have such great support. Plus, it's nice to see another Oregonian on here!
