Terrible opposite-sex sexual experiences out of internalized expactations

TW: self-enforced engagement in sexual acts i did neither want nor enjoy

Hey, since i am coming to term more and more with my homosexuality, i came to realize that i do not enjoy and did not enjoy heterosexual sex.
Now i am looking back at my first relationship that was not just physically and emotional abusive, but maybe even sexually abusive. The sad thing is, that it was not solely my ex-girlfriend exploiting me for her sexual gain, it was me who enabled this by performing exactly the kind of sexuality she wanted, not allowing myself to feel the disgust or discomfort from doing so.
When the relationship started, and i truly believed i loved her, and idealized her to an unrealistic and unhealthy extent, i was very much into tender and affectionate sex because it gave me the feeling of being loved, and being loving.
She gradually introduced me into more rough kind of sexuality, and it peaked in rape-baiting and after lots of pressure, belittling and emotional abuse i gave into that, something i condemned myself for years afterward, and until i told it to my psychologist i never thought anyone could believe me that i am anything else than a predator in this situation.

She also used to bait me into other acts of seemingly unconsensual sex, sometimes telling me i should perform certain acts, play-acting as if she was asleep, and enacting physical punishment after i followed through on her demands, guilt-tripping and making me feel insecure about myself and reality even more.
I have the diagnosis of schizophrenia but back then when i did not have the diagnosis yet, i still had the vulnerability but not the awareness. She even used that against me and made up false stories in order to control me, which i believed and started to form into paranoid delusions for me. She told me about her criminal friend, who she often has sex with, and who will kill me if she tells him that i mistreated her in any way.
I basically became her sex slave, i longed for her affection and appreciation, and she only gave it to me when i sexually satisfied her. Every time she talked about me in a derogatory sense (which was almost every time she talked about me, she added : but the sex is great).
I felt like if i was not into it, i was a homosexual, which i was, and i never allowed myself to feel what i was doing to myself.
There are a lot of other disgusting things, she used to have me eat her out after not showering for days, the one sexual act i refused after the disgust and taste was so strong that even i could not dissociate from it, and used to have me have sex with her all day. This sounds like a dream, and i thought it was. But it was not, i was feeling terrible i was being used, and i forced myself to enjoy stuff that was terrible and completely unenjoyable for me.
Writing about this i realized what an abusive and terrible person she was, but i felt like i needed her, like i needed to love her, on top of all the trauma bonding and addicting effects of an abusive relationship, i needed to love her and enjoy what she had me do in order to not be a homosexual.

I initially felt like it was better to make this a more general topic, about how other gay people have experienced heterosexual encounters prior to realizing their orientation, but this does not seem like a good basis for a light-hearted discussion.
It just shows me again how strong repression is, and my desire to please women, especially by denying my homosexuality and i feel like this is the only place, maybe outside therapy where people could empathize with a man unwillingly having seemingly consentual unconsensual-looking sex, with a woman he does not feel sexually attracted to.

 

She most likely was not a terrible person, but this whole relationship was a terrible situation, and i think maybe she felt forced to enjoy and seek these kind of sexual acts just as much as i felt like i had to engage in them.