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Struggling to act on my sexuality

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by jasper0000, Aug 16, 2021.

  1. jasper0000

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    I'm 27 and male. Since I was a teenager I knew I had feelings of same sex attraction but decided not to explore it and try to date women. I've had some okay experiences with women, some being really intense but in general I've had my doubts and felt like something is missing. Being gay is also not something my family would approve of.

    Now I'm independent and live in a big liberal city, where I've told some friends I'm bisexual. I have some gay friends and people are very accepting. But I still can't move forward with this. I go on dating apps, set the settings to look for men and I just feel uninterested. It's like there's no excitement? The guys do not look like objects of desire or people I really want to be with. So I switch back to women, back to the familiar search, sometimes I have a few nice dates or maybe a short relationship, but it doesn't stick.

    So I now feel like I've busted my ability to be romantically and sexually attracted to men. It feels like I'm going to have to force myself to date guys for some time until my brain figures out that it's a enjoyable thing. But I just can't do it?

    Has anyone had a similar experience? Anyone know how to get through this?
     
  2. Rayland

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    I am the last person ever to give dating advice, since I am not in a relationship, but I do have a bit of experience and I felt like responding.

    If you can’t move forward with this, then there is no point on forcing yourself to like the same sex. It should come naturally. You just haven’t met the right man or woman yet. It’s very okay to date until the right person comes to your way. You are very young after all. There will be tons of opportunities to find the right person.
     
  3. DavidDublin

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    I found that when I stopped stressing about finding someone and was just happy to chat with people was when I found someone.

    Try not to stress about it.
     
  4. jasper0000

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    I think my attraction to men might be stronger fundamentally, but a decade of trying to get with women has clouded that.

    I do find men attractive in more natural situations, it's just on the dating apps that I really struggle.
     
  5. jasper0000

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    It is definitely because I'm stressing, part of me really doesn't want to explore this but another part does. The conflict is causing anxiety.
     
  6. DavidDublin

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    I suffer from anxiety also so I know what that feels like. Dating apps are the worse place to talk with guys but at the same time one of the few places to meet guys. It is very tough.
     
  7. Rayland

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    I am too shy to even make a dating app profile or know where to meet guys. Dating apps are also shady to me. I mean you never know what kind of person is on the other side of that profile, if you haven’t met them, but on the other side you might get a lucky catch too.
     
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  8. QuietPeace

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    Dating sites never worked for me and I never use any apps. For me I have just gone out and met people doing things that I enjoy and that is how I have met most of the people who I have gotten involved with, whether men, women or in between. Rather than stressing on having to date or in any way having to hook up with someone why not just start with making friends and see what develops?
     
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  9. Phantom077

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    Why do you feel uninterested when you get back search results for men? Perhaps you could have some internalized homophobia which could be affecting your outlook on the search for Mr. Right. Have you ever been in a relationship with a man?
     
  10. jasper0000

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    I do have internalized homophobia, how do I get rid of it?

    I've never had a sexual or romantic relationship with a man
     
  11. Phantom077

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    I assume that your family has instilled certain ideas in you that are homophobic or perhaps you feel ashamed for a different reason. Identify the reason why you feel this way and confront that.
     
  12. Phantom077

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    Also, just be reasonable. There's no good reason to feel ashamed about being a man that likes the company of other men. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with being gay. The feelings that you have towards other men are completely natural as they are a by product of evolution.
     
  13. jasper0000

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    I know this logically, but how do I communicate this to my emotional side? I have built quite instinctive responses to avoid doing gay things or acting gay. I emotionally feel it's unsafe, even though I know logically is fine and no one really cares.
     
  14. Phantom077

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    Have you often thought of your orientation as nothing but a roadblock on the path to your happiness as a person? How bad is it? Do you think you could be intimate with a man if given a chance?
     
  15. silverhalo

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    If you live in a liberal place my advice would be to find an LGBT group and chat to people in an environment where you know people will be accepting but there isnt the pressure of dating etc. Just get to know some other LGBT folk and give yourself a break. EC can also help.
     
  16. mobius5

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    Up until my recent discovery I've contemplated using a dating app a few times... just to look for women. Never did it though; I agree it could be shady. But now idk if I could bring myself to use it to look for men. Of course that has to be easier for me than to talk to one in real life like that, which I would find even harder.
    I too feel uninterested in most guys I see except for one in particular... I got lucky so to speak and found somebody online who in speaking had mutual feelings to a degree. This was how I became more certain of my own state. I won't be surprised if this never happens again for the rest of my life and I never have a relationship with a man, for better or worse.
     
  17. Phantom077

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    Just consider that it's irrational to feel this way about one's sexual orientation. I've experience internalized homophobia as well and I can tell you that it is possible to diminish it. You're letting what other people think and say influence the way you look at yourself.
     
  18. Rayland

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    It’s just a hypothesis, but maybe you are just scared to start a relationship with someone from the same sex, because it’s not really accepted in society and not accepted by your family. You can’t bring yourself to use the dating app to search for men, because you are scared to find someone you might really like. You shouldn’t be scared, if that’s what you really want. It’s for your own happiness after all.