1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

still not confident with sexuality; even at gay pride

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by halfy, Aug 13, 2008.

  1. halfy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2008
    Messages:
    79
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Doncaster, England
    hi guys. basically, last weekend i went to a gay pride event out of town, with just me and a friend that i am out to. so i promised myself that i would be open about myself, and for that weekend i could be myself. generally, i did stick to it. i admitted to being bi when i was asked; however, there was a really pretty girl in a bar. and i was trying to build up the confidence to ask her a drink; but i just couldn't summon up the courage. i was so annoyed with myself. i was like - why can't i just say 'hi, would you like a drink?' i wouldn't have cared if she was straight, or not interested. i was just so annoyed that i couldn't be confident with myself at pride. then i went back to work on the tuesday, and my workmates were like 'so why did you go to pride? are you gay?' and i went into the usual denial line of 'no, i'm just a fag hag'. i'm just annoyed that i wasn't more open. i'm not ready to come out to family yet so i haven't told anymore people than the ones i've already told. i suppose i'm just frustrated really.
     
  2. Cool Beans

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2007
    Messages:
    90
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Philadelphia
    Don't beat yourself up over it. It takes time to become comfortable with yourself when you try to become more open. You did the right thing by at least making that effort. Some people can just jump right in headfirst, but I would think most people would have to take baby steps. And that's okay. If you just keep trying to be more open, eventually you'll find that you are. And for what it's worth, it would probably be easier for you to be open if you were out to your family first. Not that I'm trying to rush you; you have to come out to them in your own time when you're ready. The more people you're out to, the easier it is to be open and confident whether around those people or complete strangers like at gay pride.
     
  3. Mirko

    Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2008
    Messages:
    17,991
    Likes Received:
    2,309
    Location:
    Northern Hemisphere
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi there! Sometimes, we think that we are ready to take the next steps and feel good about it only to realize that maybe we are not ready for it, which is perfectly normal and alright. Try not to feel bad or frustrated about it. Try to see it as something to work towards to. It might happen the next time. With time and patience you will get there.

    Try to take it slow. Take one step at a time. Take it one day at a time. If you try to take too many steps at once it can become overwhelming. Being part of the gay pride event was already one step that you took for that day. It sounds you were very comfortable with it, which is great. It is an indication that you are more comfortable with yourself and with your surroundings. Going to the event, showed you that you were able to let go of some your fears.

    There are still parts of you though that might not be ready to take it any further or to take larger steps. There is one part of you that wants to experience the new you. It wants to experience the good stuff as it were. But then there is this other part that says not so fast, which is holding you back. Over time, as we struggle to understand ourselves and to make sense of it all, we develop 'defensive mechanisms' because that part that holds us back wants to protect us. Opening up towards others about ourselves, requires us to let go of those 'defensive mechanisms.' As we become more comfortable about ourselves and with our surroundings and we feel that everything is going to be okay we can let go of them. We need reassurance. Once we have that, we can take the next steps. We are ready for them.

    Your reaction towards your co-workers is a normal reaction. You might not be entirely sure as to how they might react and what they might say when you do come out to them. Although we might have some clues as to how people might react, but sometimes we need more than that. But over time, you will be able to come out to them. Again, try not to see it as something frustrating but rather as something to work towards to and something to look forward to. Do take your time. Try not to rush into things. No worries, with time you will get there.

    I hope this helps a bit!
     
    #3 Mirko, Aug 13, 2008
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2008
  4. ccdd

    ccdd Guest

    Instead of focussing upon the fact that you denied your sexuality to your co-workers, or your shyness when you wanted to talk to that girl, you should instead focus upon the fact that you know you're gay, and that you went to your first Pride event - something many of us have never done.

    I don't think that I could ever go to a Pride event, let alone tell others that I was going - surely this in itself is an achievement? I think that you have to try and appreciate that you are moving forward, even if not as quickly as you'd like, that these things will come.

    Sometimes progress comes in leaps and bounds; at other times it is a case of two steps back, three steps forward.

    Try and focus upon your general direction - which definately seems to be towards more confidence - rather than the speed in which you're moving. Hopefully, next year (or next week), you will have the confidence to do those things you didn't feel able to yet; but don't fret, it will happen :slight_smile:
     
  5. Jim1454

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    7,284
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Toronto
    Gosh - don't beat yourself up!

    At the ripe old age of 37, I've NEVER bought someone a drink in a bar! I don't think that happens nearly as often as you'd think it does - based on movies and TV. So don't sweat it! I think it's great that you went to pride, and you were able to be open about who you are. Doing so is easier in a safe environment like that, but not easy. Just easier!

    So if you're not ready to do that at work yet that is totally understandable. I'm not out at work either.
     
  6. halfy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2008
    Messages:
    79
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Doncaster, England
    Oh wow. thank you so much everybody for your advice. it's really perked me up. i went to 2 prides last year, one out of town and one in town. but last year i was very much in denial. when i went to pride with my gay friends, they didn't even know i like girls. so i was there as a fag hag, and it was great. and this year, being open has also been great. this weekend i'm going to my hometown's pride but i have to go as just a fag hag, rather than a bi fag hag. everyone i know; knows that i've been tp gay pride, and that i go to gay bars. and my family and friends are ok with that. so i suppose it's good for testing the waters for people's reactions. i'm still nowhere near ready to come out yet though. but thanks for everyone's support and advice. you've all really helped and cheered me up. thanks. :slight_smile:
     
  7. Derek the Wolf

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 19, 2008
    Messages:
    1,126
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Illinois
    Try not to worry about these kinds of situations. The last girl I talked to, someone of the OPPOSITE sex, it took me 20 minutes to build up the courage. God, that's easy compared to trying to ask out a cute guy. Social awkwardness isn't unique to you, or even to those of us with non-hetero persuasion. What you need is to be completely comfortable with who you are. Once you've really accepted yourself, then you won't be worried about others rejecting you. Have fun at your hometown's pride, even if you're going as a fag hag. Just try to enjoy yourself!
     
  8. halfy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2008
    Messages:
    79
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Doncaster, England
    yeah, i suppose it will be good when i do the march and i'll be holding up a gay pride flag, high and proud. and then the people who see me there will probably assume i'm gay, which will be fine. it's mainly my family that i'm not ready to come out to. although i am nervous with friends and workmates, old and new. i suppose it'll all be fine in the end.
     
  9. Jim1454

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    7,284
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Toronto
    I'm gay, and I'm OK with that - yet I don't really intend to march in a parade. I don't think that needs to be your 'barometer' of how comfortable you are with your sexuality.