It's been almost two years since I started posting here and I still haven't really taken any concrete steps to begin coming out. I keep putting the conversations off to a "more convenient time". But that "more convenient time" never seems to come. There's always a crisis, or a deadline at work, or something that makes me keep my true self bottled up and hidden. I wish I was as strong and courageous as many of you have been, because I'm not getting any younger and it's slowly killing me to keep my actual gay self penned up and in a cage.
CapnMal.....We all understand how that works. Coming out...especially the very first time is so very difficult. It's terrifying! But when it's over you feel the most wonderful feeling!!! The big secret that has been weighing you down for so very long is suddenly GONE! When I came out the very first time face-to-face that is exactly how it felt. I knew that the person I was going to come out to would accept me...there was no question at all. Still it took me 45 minutes of going back and forth of trying to say those words "I am gay" and then backing off. Crying and sobbing. My friend was genuinely worried that I had end-stage cancer or something like that! He kept saying that it was alright, I could tell him anything and it would be ok...but trying to get those words out was almost impossible. I kept thinking "Once I say it, I can never take it back." I finally managed to say "I am gay" and he said; "Is that all this is about? I thought you were dying or something like that." Then we broke down into laughter! He gave me a huge hug and I felt so good...so very good and so lite. The secret was gone...finally gone! It's a wonderful feeling that I can't really describe, but it was great! Since then there have been several times that I have come out that have been relatively calm. But there have bee three times when I have come out to former students that have again been wonderful. Students who went through high school (I was a HS teacher) hiding who they were and came out after they graduated. When I came out to them it was a wonderful, exciting, explosion of emotion as we realized that we had a very special connection that we could celebrate together! I know how tough the first one is but it does get easier and sometimes, when it the right person it's absolutely an experience that you will always remember! .....David
