Hi there, I could use some advice / other people's experiences. I want to preface this by saying I will obviously have to talk this guy and discuss what we want to do. That's the only real solution, but hearing from other people would be helpful at least. I met a guy on a dating app and we went on a date about a week ago. We instantly hit it off, I was very attracted to him, and the date was fantastic. Possibly the best first date of my life. We ended up hanging out 3 times this past week and every date was fantastic. Not only am I attracted to him, but he is insanely sweet and the feelings seem to be mutual. I think we were both trying to be respectful and not bring it up (which I realize may need to happen sooner irregardless now), but last night we were getting a little more intimate and I finally asked about his preferences, in which he told me he is basically a total top. He said he has never bottomed, but seems to have no interest. We were definitely both thrown off. He has only dated bottoms and has never really faced this. I have bottomed before and can enjoy it, but definitely prefer being a top. I have always dated guys who are vers or vers bottoms, so it was never really an issue for me as well. I'm someone who doesn't think it has to get to anal sex every time. I enjoy doing other things and I guess I have to get his opinion on this. However, I know if I was bottoming every time it got to anal, I would be a little frustrated. It sucks because we have hit it off in every other sense, but I would think sexual compatibility is important and once the "honeymoon" phase ends, a lack of sexual compatibility could get even more frustrating. I'm more so just looking to see if other people have faced this issue. Again, if we were smart we would have brought this up earlier. However, would this typically be a deal-breaker for you? I should also say I'm seeking a monogamous relationship, so I would not consider opening up a relationship in order for us to be sexually satisfied. Thanks for any help in advance.
You have had three or four dates, so I don't think you are being fair to yourself in saying this. Many people make the mistake of talking sex too soon and it can create really bad vibes in a fledgling relationship. Seems to me you brought up the issue of sex at precisely the right time (when things were getting more intimate). As difficult as it might be, you will need to talk to him about it again and essentially tell him the same things as you've told us, and I would do it sooner rather than later because you are already quite invested in this guy and he seems to feel the same way about you. Is this a deal-breaker issue? Being honest, yes. Admittedly you can do other things in the bedroom, short of anal and have a really good time, but most gay guys will want that really deep and intimate sexual experience from time to time and if it doesn't happen frustration and irritation will set in. I'm afraid sexual compatibility is a key element in relationship compatibility and there is no point in denying it. I kind of faced the issue once when I went on one date with a guy who declared himself a total top and determined (without asking me) that I was the same. In actual fact he wasn't totally correct in his determination, but he wasn't wide of the mark either. In the event we were incompatible for plenty of other reasons besides our mutual preference for topping.
