Self doubt

Hey have you tried something that's a little less pressure ? Like meet ups or groups? Are there any in your area?

 

I think online is less pressure than real life especially for someone that has anxiety but it comes with other pitfalls, such as people being a bit flaky or disappearing.

I do understand perhaps feeling like an imposter at an LGBT group, when I first figured out my sexuality I felt as though I needed someone to give me a handbook about how to be a lesbian. The truth is you’ve had feeling for a woman and so that makes you LGBT even if you have never acted on it.

Have you tried emailing any of the groups? If there is one about figuring out your sexuality or coming out etc that one might be easier because you are more likely to find other people in a similar position. Often the organisers of these groups are super friendly and will offer to meet somewhere first so you don’t have to walk in all by yourself. Maybe testing the water with some emails might be a good next step.

I don’t necessarily think you have to give up with online but I think it can be that you have to go down a few dead ends before you find a path that leads you somewhere.

 

People still do date, and also do get stood up, which was always an issue and (arguably) got worse when online dating became popular.

It’s perfectly normal to feel daunted by the very prospect of dating, especially if you’ve been out of that game for quite a while… And to make things even harder, there’s plenty of people out there lacking confidence, overly shy or timid, who would want to meet - but just can’t bring themselves to actually do it.

There’s always a risk that you’ll like someone, but it won’t be mutual, just as someone might like you but you won’t like them at all, as annoying as it is, it’s just how it works.

Like @silverhalo suggested, have you tried emailing any of those LGBTQ groups? Most are pretty welcoming and willing to help newcomers feel at ease, as most people on those groups have experienced similar feelings and they know what it is like.

 

You do have to have an element of bravery if you want to try doing things in person. You kinda need a bit of a thick skin, because rejection is almost guaranteed at some point. Internet or app based stuff is so fickle, people don't seem to care as much about the feelings of the other person they're talking to compared to when things are done in the flesh.

 

With online dating you are explicitly dating. A LGBTQ meetup can just be a low pressure way to meet people with no pressure to date or judge.
There are no qualifications for most of these groups and most meet ups are losely structured you don't have to 'belong' you can just say or tell yourself you're there to explore.

 

The dating market, (especially online dating), is chaotic and messy. So it's not you, it's them. Unfortunately it's normal for potential dates or friends to constantly flake out on you or cancel last minute. It sucks, but that is reality and it comes with the territory. When people consecutively cancel on me I just stay in bare minimum contact with them and only tell them once to let me know when they want to hang out or go on a date. If they get annoyed, then say we can catch up later whenever we meet up in person. It either forces them to commit and make a decision, or they'll just ghost you anyways.

In the past I had trouble meeting new people and extreme social anxiety. Similar to some of the problems you stated. So I developed a training strategy of sorts to boost my confidence. While I was in public, I forced myself to make small talk with acquaintances and strangers, even if it was a few words. Just the act of engagement will slowly boost your confidence. Most of these people will never see you again.

[Examples: Small talk with a waiter, cashier, people in line, people at church, people walking in the park,
neighbors, clients, repairmen, people at six flags, people at the movies.] It doesn't really matter what you say. The act of engaging with them and just briefly talking helps. Slowly but surely. Also when I do socialize, I try to constantly better engage with the person I talk to, to improve my confidence and social skills. Like family members, friends, dates, clients. When I first implemented this strategy I just went to the park and said hello to people. Literally level one stuff. It will feel like a drop of grain in a bag each time, but before long that bag will get heavier. Hopefully that helps you too.

 

You could try meet-up.com, I’ve not used it personally but I know people have successfully used it to find LGBT groups. No idea if there will be anything around your area though.