I struggle a lot with accepting my sexuality and coming out. When I was a teenager, I started realizing that I like men and not really into girls. However, I was very shy and kinda scared of sexual life generally. Therefore, I thought that maybe I am stratight and it's just something with my shyness. When I was 19, I had a relationship with a girl but it was so artificial, so it ended very soon. Now I am 25 and two years ago I had my first experience with a guy. Over those two years I met so many guys... However, I feel so depressed because I can't accept myself as well as come out. My inner side constantly tells me that it is not natural, I will be lonely throughout my life, I don't really like a lot of LGBTQ stuff, I run a higher risk of contracting diseases etc. Meanwhile, my family and best friends are very conservative. Very often I get some questions from them regarding my personal life and every time I have to make up something impromptu and lie... I feel very uncomfortable making friends and communicating with a lot of straight people. Many girls like me, ask some indirect questions about my personal life and try to become closer to me, making me cover in a cold sweat every time. I feel like the more time goes by, the more difficult it becomes to bear this burden of anxiety, pressure and negative thoughts. Once my parents saw a half-naked guy profile who was my subscriber on instagram and asked me who was he and whether my orientation is "okay". I lied as usually - it's almost my instinct now. Later they seemingly forgot about that case. I am not sure what should I do. I can't build any relationship with a guy and accept myself. I feel like I will be alone as a gay in any case and nobody will ever care about me when I will be old. I cannot even make gay friends who might understand me because in my case it always boils down to having fun only for some reason. In my free time, especially when the weather is gloomy and unpleasant I go to some deserted forests or lakes, wander for hours alone having those grave thoughts and feeling miserable. But it does not lead me anywhere.
Hi and welcome! I’m sorry you’re going trough this. No matter what anyone says, there is nothing wrong with you. Your attraction towards men is normal and valid. From what you wrote, it seems that you struggle with internalised homophobia, which seems to be a common issue with homosexual folks, due to deeply ingrained stereotypes we learn from our surrounding. It’s odd however why your parents have reacted like this to seeing a picture of a half-naked man among your Instagram subscribers, I mean, plenty of gym-going guys like to show off results of their efforts like that - and most aren’t gay. Maybe there’s something else that also seems off to them, such as apparent lack of a female partner. Being in the closet is hard, as is hiding something - anything, really - about yourself. But coming out can be risky business, sadly, not everyone is as accepting as one could expect, but the opposite also can hold true, someone whose initial reaction is negative changes their views on the matter. Either way, you should only come out when you feel you need and want to, and to whom you need and want to, it’s often better not to rush things. Wait some and see what resident gay folks will say on the matter, they’ll be of much more help that me. Best wishes to you!
Remember that coming out is a process, and it's okay to take your time. You're not alone, and there are many resources and people available to help and support you through this journey. It's also important to prioritize your mental and emotional well-being. Please consider reaching out to a therapist or counselor to help you navigate these challenges. Your happiness and well-being matter, and there are people and communities out there that care about you. Always prioritize your safety when coming out, especially if you believe there may be negative consequences. If you're concerned about your family's reaction, you may want to have a plan in place, such as a place to stay if things become difficult. Consider seeking therapy or counseling from a mental health professional who has experience with LGBTQ+ issues. They can provide you with the tools and support needed to work through your anxieties, depression, and self-acceptance. If and when you decide to come out to your family and close friends, try to be as honest and open as possible. They may surprise you with their support, and if not immediately, they might need time to adjust. You don't have to come out to everyone at once. Start by coming out to those you trust the most and feel will be accepting. It's okay to take small steps. Coming out is a personal process, and there's no rush. You should only come out when you feel comfortable and safe. Be patient with yourself, as self-acceptance and coming out are journeys that can take time. The negative thoughts you have about your future are often rooted in fear. It's essential to challenge these thoughts and try to see the possibilities that exist. Remember, being gay does not condemn you to a life of loneliness or disease. It's important to remember that being gay is just as natural as being straight. Many people have gone through similar struggles, and you are not alone. Seek self-acceptance, and remember that there is nothing wrong with being who you are. Surround yourself with people who are accepting and supportive of your true self. This could be LGBTQ+ friends, allies, or even new acquaintances. Learning more about LGBTQ+ issues can help you understand your own feelings better. This can also help you communicate with your conservative family and friends more effectively if you choose to come out to them. Look for local or online LGBTQ+ support groups. Connecting with others who have experienced similar struggles can be very helpful. You can learn from their experiences, share your thoughts, and gain a sense of belonging.
I was also highly depressed about my sexuality until I accepted it a couple years ago. I grew up in a very backwards homophobic conservative environment. I'll spare you all the details. But I was gay bashed a lot and was convinced I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. The overwhelming pain pushed me to the absolute breaking point and forced me to the accept the fact that I was 100% Bi sexual. With no choice but to accept myself I was able to move forward and gain confidence. Everything became 10 x easier. Still challenging but my burden was significantly lightened. So my advice, throw out the old manual society has socialized you to read, and write your own. It's not your family, friends, peers, or society's story. It's your story. If you don't agree with certain LGBT stuff, that is fine too. It just amounts to a difference in opinion. Ask yourself the hard questions. Why are you depressed, whats holding you back. Are you doing that because of you or what other people told you. I know accepting yourself is no easy feat and it feels like climbing a mountain. But I promise once you accept yourself it's all downhill from there. Additionally you don't have to feel bad or tense about lying to protect yourself in the closet. You gotta do what you gotta do to survive. I don't necessarily lie when I protect my status being in the closet. I just told half truths or left out key details. Also you can tell people asking you personal questions that it's none of their business. (sorry that's my business) ( I don't want to go there, because this is getting too personal, sorry) ( if you want to make sure no one knows your business then you never speak of it) ( this is getting way to personal, lets talk about something else.) They may not like it but they'll respect you.
mysteryspark.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) when that becomes necessary! This is a safe community of loving, caring and very supportive people and we will do our best to help you blend into the community. *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here…EC is a safe place. I hope that you'll find good things here too! Folks here will talk to you and share...you don't have to be afraid of asking questions...we're glad to have you! Empty Closets is all about making connections and giving LGBTQ folks a voice when they otherwise don't have one in their day-to-day lives. *****In particular you may want to check out the forum that is titled "Sexual Orientation”, there are people there who may have dealt with some of the same kind of issues that could be challenging you. Some info on how to navigate EC: When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message. …..David
mysteryspark.....Accepting that you are not straight can be really difficult. I fought with it for many years before I finally accepted that I am and always have been gay at the age of 64. Had I accepted my sexuality earlier, my life would have been much different. You are still young...you have time to work through this...there is no reason to be in a hurry. It's always tough when those around you expect you to act in a certain way and that way is just not working for you. As others have mentioned, being gay is every bit as natural as being straight or bi. It's society that has "hammered" into us that the only acceptable way is to be straight. There have been many LGBTQ people of great importance in history; Michelangelo, Tchaikovsky, Alexander The Great was most likely gay and even an American President...Abraham Lincoln was probably gay! One of the most important things that helped me accept myself was working with a qualified therapist. Please consider finding a therapist that lists working with the LGBTQ Community in their CV or on their website. Having another person to help you work through these dark times will make a big difference for you...it helped me a great deal! You have also made a great first step by making contact with us here on Empty Closets! We want to help in any way that we can...ask questions, vent if you need to and always remember that you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! .....David
It's totally natural. Let go of that ridiculous conditioning. Nah, you've got it backwards. Not coming out will lead to profound loneliness and alienation. Gay people are not necessarily lonelier than anyone else. How are you meeting guys? Is it through the app-that-must-not-be-named? Getting anything serious from that is rare. Maybe you'd be better off with social groups and things like that. If you like the sex, you're in the club. Not necessarily! Is there a chance they'd change their minds if they knew? If not, you'll have to break away from them if you can. Move away, make new friends - honestly, you'll never be happy hiding a big part of yourself from other people. You'll just get more depressed and your self-esteem will plummet. You're only "as sick as your secrets" and it sounds like your secret is making you pretty sick. So please, if you can, shed the burden and break free of your pointless shame.
I feel like I should be the last person in here who should be giving you advice since I just joined a couple of days ago for help on the last steps of coming out myself. Yes, I'm 68 years old and still coming out. I saved the tough ones for last, my ex-wife and kids. I do agree with most of the people on here, seek out professional help from a therapist who specializes in gay issues. That should be step number one. Step number two, make sure you are safe Step number three, make sure you are self-supporting. Step number four, make sure you have a place to live. Step number five, build a support group. They don't have to be gay, just gay accepting. Step number six, start coming out to some people. You don't need to follow my steps, my point is to start moving. Simply standing still is not working for you. You sincerely need to address your internal issues first with a therapist and then make a plan. There is no rush. I'm 68, have a boyfriend, I'm happy and still coming out. Some of us just move slowly. I hope I have helped you in some way. We are all pulling for you. You are not alone.
Vintage Gay.....Hey! Thanks so much for this very insightful and helpful post! There are a lot of folks who need to see this kind of information from someone who has been down this road! .....David
mysteryspark.....The "traditional" nuclear family has for many years been seen as the sole province of heterosexual couples. That is and has been changing for quite a while now. Many same-sex couples have children and thereby grandchildren. The idea of being alone in your old age is not necessarily so. There is no doubt that it's more difficult for LGBTQ folks, but it's a long way from being impossible like it was in years past. I don't think you have to worry so much about diseases anymore either. There are meds like PreP that can protect against AIDS and the simple precaution of a condom also provides a great deal of protection. Same-sex couples can look forward to many years of "wedded bliss" just as heterosexual couples can. At least in the countries that accept LGBTQ marriage and rights there is no reason to see your future as dark...at 25 years old you have a wonderful potential future in front of you! .....David
