Hi all, this isn't strictly LGBT related (although it does come into it) but in the past I have found this community to be full of warm and supportive people who have been very helpful to me so I thought I'd seek out some advice because I really need it. So my aunt passed away from cancer a few days ago. She lived about 6 hours drive away and yet my mum was going down there all the time to help take care of her, and spend time with her whilst she still could. This, understandably, has made my mum very tired and drained. She got back the other night after a long drive home (on the way she had to also go to my grandmothers house and inform my grandma of the news which must have been very distressing). So she got home and I could see she'd been crying and she looked exhausted. I made her a cup of tea and talked to her for a bit and she said she wanted me to come to the funeral, which will be down where my Aunt lived (a good 6 hours drive as I mentioned above). We would have to stay in a hotel overnight so it would become a 2 or even 3 day ordeal. Now she was obviously upset and tired so to avoid an argument I sort of said okay begrudgingly. The thing is I really do not want to go. Quite desperately in fact. My dad passed away 3 years ago and it's affected me in so many ways. Death is a big source of anxiety for me, especially in regards to my loved ones. However, I do not regard most of my family as family. Lots of them are okay people - decent and as far as I know not homophobic or racist (although a few of the older members of my extended family I believe hold some bigoted views). But even so, I don't regard them as family, and I don't like being around them. They make me feel uncomfortable and I absolutely loathe small talk. I know my mum wants me to go and I know that in some ways she's going to try and guilt trip me into coming (especially as my dad is not around anymore and my brother will be out of the country so he can't go). But I know for a fact that a funeral would deplete my mental health severely given my past experiences with death. Unfortunately my mum is not very understanding of mental health - she's of the mindset that it's more laziness than anxiety or depression and that it is possible to simply get through some episodes, which is not the case whatsoever. When I'm depressed, I'm physically unable to do the simplest of things and she still doesn't understand this. Another thing is that I haven't come out to any of my family because I don't want to. So I'd be living a lie around all of them and that also makes me feel uncomfortable because after revealing I'm gay to lots of my friends I feel SO much more free and alive, and life has so much more purpose for me now. In so many ways, this trip would just feel like a backwards step for me. So, does anyone have any advice as to how to break it to my mum that I can't make the funeral? I understand some people may think I should go for her but I'm 21 now and I know myself and that it would do me a world of bad, therefore I have 100% made my mind up that I'm not going. I just want to be able to tell my mum without hurting her feelings too much.
I would: Explain about your dad and how its too painful for you to go to another funeral so soon. Flat out refuse to go. Suggest that you could go and visit the grave/memorial the day after to lay some flowers and pay your respects either with your mum or completely on your own.
i'm not going to tell you that you should go, but have you thought about who would support your mum if you're not there? from what you said it doesn't sound like she's trying to guilt trip you, per se. more that she's just exhausted and desperate. of course i understand that you need to consider the impact on your mental health, and i also know that parents and family etc don't always understand depression anxiety or respond appropriately, but it sounds like she really needs you regardless. what about going but taking someone with you to support you? there's no reason to face it all alone. or could you go just to be there for the actual funeral but not stay the full 2 to 3 days that you're worried it will involve? the problem with having such an anxious response to death is that unless you face it now it will become a recurring issue and bigger fear.
