(SFW) So I recently started questioning my sexuality again. I am out as Bisexual to everyone but I have had some colliding feelings/thoughts. I saw this website and joined because I figured it might help...so here we are. I have always liked females more than males. When I found out about Compulsory Heterosexuality and looked into it I realized that some of the effects fit how I have felt towards men and feel towards men. I have been with two men in the past and one female (male, male, female - order) I got together with my first boyfriend my 8th grade year, was finally allowed to start dating and wanted to fit in, so I went to school and met a Freshman on the bus. He was really nice to me, so I chose him. I didn't feel attracted to him, I just wanted to fit in by having a boyfriend. However, the relationship with him didn't feel like how I hoped it would. We only hugged once and never did anything but even the hug made me kind of uncomfortable, the relationship did not feel right. We broke up my Freshman year of High school. Fast forward my Sophomore year of High school, this guy that I met years ago added me on social media and started talking to me again, backstory: He asked me out when I wasn't allowed to date and I declined him. I was at a friends house when he added me on social media, when we started talking he asked me if I was single and when I said I was, he wanted to date me. I didn't feel attracted to him either but I didn't want to push him down a second time and my friend was like "go for it" so I said okay. We started dating and he made me really uncomfortable for certain reasons. (NSFW) he would always sexy text me and try to get me to send him nudes, I did not like that one bit, I never sent him pictures but went a long with sexting (he did most of the work and told me what to type because I flat out said "I have no idea what to type") when we were together in person he would always kiss me and he put his hand down my pants once (it was a very quick feel) and had me feel his bulge out side of his pants. When we were texting planning on when to see each other in person, he would always bring up sex and I would push him down on that idea. The kissing and everything else made me extremely uncomfortable. (thinking back on it makes my stomach feel weird, but like a sick weird, my stomach gets upset) (SFW) He eventually cheated on me and we haven't talked since. The relationship with him never felt comfortable either, we talked about the future and stuff but I just went along with what he was saying and acted how I have seen other females act in relationships. Now when I got with my first female, the relationship felt different. When I asked her out I 100% meant it, I wanted to be with her and I liked her. We never kissed or did anything, the farthest we got was hand holding, cuddling, and she kissed my cheek. But I thought about kissing her and cuddling her whenever we were together. I actively wanted all of that. When I was with my second boyfriend and he would kiss me in public I felt double uncomfortable, but I actively wanted to kiss my first girlfriend in school, and we cuddled in school sometimes and that never made me uncomfortable. I wouldn't mind showing people we were together. My ex gf and I got together a few months before Covid and sadly we drifted apart during Covid. But that was by far the best relationship I have had so far. Besides relationships when I was looking at Compulsory Heterosexuality it mentioned things about fantasies, and how the most common effect of it is if when you fantasize about men they are often faceless or not very detailed and the farther you get into the description the less interested you become in the fantasy. and/or the fantasies are based more on movement than features. and/or you image someone else getting the male attention in fantasies when it gets more detailed. (NSFW) now I have masturbated and when the fantasies are about men I make it more based on the movement and when I get to far into the details I want it to end and try to make it end faster. Another thing I do is switch it to make the receiver the different person, so it's not me getting the male attention in fantasies. However when its female I like to image the whole body and am more detailed and don't feel uncomfortable about it. Another thing is with porn, if I watch m/f porn I usually focus on the girl and/or think of the POV as myself as the man, and the women (which then essentially makes it a female with a strap on and another female) Another thing is oral, when I think of giving a man a blow job that makes me extremely uncomfortable but with women the thought of oral sex is fine. However, with me thinking about penetration the penis doesn't bother me, because I am fine with the idea of a strap on and usually think of it as so.. so... mind you i am a virgin so this is all in my head lmao (SFW) When I think about a future with a man it feels more like oh yeah I can survive it if I have to I will and if my end all be all was a man I would feel like it is missing something. However if I think of a future with a female, it feels comfortable and doesn't feel like it would miss something. So can someone please help me figure out what the hell is going on... that would be much appreciated. I can answer more questions! Thank you to whoever read it this far you are much appreciated
First, Welcome to EC. Second, Thank you for breaking up the sections, it was helpful for me. Just so you know I barely skimmed the NSFW parts due to my own issues, if this means I missed something important and my answer ends up not applying to you I am sorry. When you discussed reading what other people said about fantasies helping determine things about your reality. I strongly disagree with this. My fantasies are just that fantasies and have nothing to do with reality. In my opinion fantasies are just that fantasies, it is why we differentiate fantasy from reality. As far as your relationships This says to me that whatever your orientation ends up actually being that you have a major preference for women. You could be lesbian but you could also simply be bi or pan with a vast preference for women. I am panromantic and demisexual, I have a major preference for women but I am actually in a relationship with a cis man right now after years of thinking that I could never be with a man. You have plenty of time to figure this out, go ahead and take that time.
Sounds like me too. I just hetero dated to 'fit in' When I finally faced the fact that I was gay, I realized, how different thinking about dating men felt. I 'fell' into my hetero relationships. I was like 'meh' about dating women, but the idea of dating men is super exciting! Same here with men. With women it's forced. Since I accepted I am gay my female fantasies have all faded away. Porn, generally isn't a good indicator of sexuality. Well only you can decide, but based on what you're writing it seems you are a lot more comfortable being with a woman.
I think labels are a big reason why so many of us are confused. there's the reasoning that there are so many different labels that there's probably something out there the best fits you. or you could simply use no label or just use "queer" I know many people like that label to feel more comfortable. however I think its important to remember that sexuality is fluid, whoever you're attracted to. I think also lack of experience can be confusing too, trust me im in the same boat. I think it takes time to learn who we are and what we prefer with experience, just like you have to date a few times to learn what you look for in a person (regardless of gender) etc. and growing up in such a heteronormative society can be what's most confusing when you're first trying to figure yourself out
