When I was 14 I woke up in the night in a sleep over at my friends place. He was carefully touching my butt and penis without waking me (he thought) I was shocked and acted as asleep. It was my first experience, but at the same time it felt kinda good. He and I never talked about this and it happened 3-4 times more over the next year. I let it happen everytime because I think it felt good. I remember one time he simulated penetrating me and I also remember that it was intense and I wanted him to do that (although I pretended sleeping). Besides this, we had a completely normal friendship, and the next years, I got into a new environment with new friends, and girls and porn were taking over my life. But when watching I was always preferring anal sex with girls. That's correct, that's my fetish. Close-up shots of butts and "winking" was extremely turn-on. I jerked-off every day and was in heaven. After some years with fooling around with girls on parties I got a relationship, 17 years old. We started being intimate and I liked it, but I also had the urge to perform anal on her, and that wish was bigger than enjoying vagina-sex. But never had the courage to tell. We did once, after her own request, and I came instantly. But she didn't like it too much and I was left alone with my fantasies doing anal on girls. We fucked a lot and I really liked this girl. Suddenly, a thought struck me that I might be obsessed by this fetish because of I wanted to "fullfill" my first sexual experience. That my fetish is not only on others, but also an inner fantasy of anal play on myself. This episode somehow defines me, I think. This struck me as lightning, I got sick of the thought that I might be gay and I panicked and fell into a depression. Which again led to years of same-sex thoughts which I found unwanted and uncomfortable causing anxiety. A discovery process on guys came for "testing" myself. I suddenly saw guys in a completely other way than before, was afraid of having erection in the locker-room and other anxieties. I just wanted it all to end. I also ended up in bed with a friend after a night out, to kinda test things out, but I pulled out when he tried to go down on me, it was really not ok. Over the years, I tried talking to a couple of friends about me questioning my orientation, but I didn't actually feel it was helping anything. A couple of shrinks as well. I will be careful of calling it OCD now, although back then it was what I called it. Fast-forward, I am now 40 years, been in 2 straight relationships and currently in a 6 year marriage. When I met my wife I was in love for the first time in my life, and life was so good. I was pretty damn sure that I finally could rest with inner peace. We married and had a child together, and life was good in about 4 years, until I started questioning again. When not in a relationship I only want to fuck and be intimate with a girl, and do so with FWB or occationally girls out in the nightlife. And flirting with a girl and feel those feelings is such a good feeling, it makes me feel "normal". When in a relationship things are good in the beginning, but I feel ashamed of my fetish and don't tell, and at later stage in the relationship thoughts will grow that I'm fooling myself and everyone else knows that I'm truly gay but in denial, and I "see" in my mind that everyones talking about they always knew. In general, I look at girls and find them very attractive on a more desirable level, especially girls that look a little "dirty". I also fantasize of them. When girls pass me on the streets I have this urge to turn around and watch their asses, I just can't resist. And 5 seconds after meeting a girl, you've decided if you want to fuck her or not. I can look at boys, find them attractive, but I kinda feel like having two personalities. When things are smooth I just register a pretty guy and thinking wow he was pretty.When feeling uncomfortable and anxious I can watch the same guy and thinking completely different: "He is pretty, does that mean I want to do something more with him? Do I suppress my feelings for boys?" I don't know where I'm going with this, sorry, but this has been with me my whole life, and it's tiring. When single, it's not so tiring, but when in a relationship I feel such guilt and blame for not having "inner peace" I once told my wife about this questiong of sexuality and unwanted thoughts, and she was not ok with it. It was treated like some scary thing that should not be spoked about. I think this is something we have to work out together which is only "fueling" my anxiety. Regardless of sexual orientation I am 100% that I've had internalized homophobia. And the anxiety comes from the fear of liking boys more than girls. I know I have to talk more to my wife about being comfortable with me having a bit more complex feeling of sexuality than the normal straight guy. That's probably the key. It's just so damn hard to talk about. Hope someone can be enlightened by my life story, this is all I've got. No filter. I've told it other times to shrinks, but maybe a bit filtered. This is the whole and bloody damned truth.
