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Pros/Cons coming out individually to people or letting them figure it out on their own

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Chillton, Oct 1, 2023.

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  1. Chillton

    Chillton
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    I am planning to try and come out of the closet soon and I am unsure how to present this topic to people or tell them in person. What are the Pros and Cons of coming out individually and privately to people. Or the Pros and Cons of just being out of the closet transparently, minding my own business and letting people just figure it out for themselves?

    I know my strategy will vary from person to situation, but it's unclear how. I feel like my first impression of coming out of the closet will make or break any of my current friendships or platonic relationships.
    I may be overthinking things but at the same time I am terrified. I just want to be prepared because I know there will probably be a lot of uncomfortable questions and remarks at my expense.
     
    #1 Chillton, Oct 1, 2023
  2. Keller

    Keller
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    For what it's worth, here's my take on it: just keep being yourself and let them figure it out, unless you believe they might have a need to know or you specifically want them to know about your sexual orientation.
     
    #2 Keller, Oct 1, 2023
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  3. mnguy

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    I hope not and if so I would drop them like a hot rock. I don't have time for people who still can't accept whatever sexuality people are and try to make our lives worse by their own words/actions and by voting against our basic rights. They can pound sand as some say lol. Get a bf and kiss him and they will know you like guys. You can educate them on the Kinsey scale and see if anyone is honest about their number. Probably not so take pride in your courage!
     
    #3 mnguy, Oct 1, 2023
  4. quebec

    quebec
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    Chillton.....Coming out can be wonderful and terrible. Occasionally at the same time! Some important factors in deciding when to come out are:
    *****Come out when YOU are ready. Don't let anyone push you into it if you are not at the place where coming out is right for you.

    *****    You might want to consider using a letter WHEN the time comes to tell certain friends/family. A big plus to a letter is that you don't have to be present when the letter is read. That can be a very big help as it eliminates the potential face-to-face confrontation that can sometimes be difficult. Coming out in writing means you will not be interrupted or face a barrage of questions that you need to answer immediately, in the heat of the moment. You get time and they get time too and that counts for a lot. It gives the people reading the letter some time to think before they talk to you. After all, you've had time to think about your sexuality, perhaps for years…giving them at least some time to think about it too only seems fair! There are some great sample coming out letters here on Empty Closets that could be a big help to you. Many of these letters are written more towards kids/teenagers coming out to their parents, but they will give you ideas and then you can edit the letter(s) to fit your situation. Even if you don't eventually use the letter, taking time to think about it and to write one will help you to be sure to say what you need to say and leave out the rest! You can then use the letter as a "script" for when you do come out face-to-face. Check out the letters (see below)...they could be a real help!

    *****Also...when you do come out, whether it's tomorrow or a year from now, your family and/or friends will probably have questions. Take some time now to think about what those questions might be. Such as; "How do you know you're bi?" or "How long have you felt this way?" etc. The questions themselves will vary a great deal depending upon your family and friends...so take that into consideration. If you work up a list of five or six probable questions with the answers already planned, you will likely be perceived as a more mature, serious person.

    *****COMING OUT LETTERS: http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out-letters.php

    *****Remember...you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! Keep us updated on how things are going for you!

    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #4 quebec, Oct 1, 2023
  5. Chillton

    Chillton
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    Thank you everyone for your support.
     
    #5 Chillton, Oct 4, 2023
  6. Jakebusman

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    I just kept being myself people figured it out then I came out
     
    #6 Jakebusman, Feb 6, 2024
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  7. Altanero

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    I have just read this thread. I hope that, since October, you could find a way to come out that was comfortable for you, Chillton! For me, I first came out individually. I realized years later (quite recently, actually) that it was painful for me. Like if it was a confession of something that was wrong. My coming out came from fear, and not the need of express myself in order to be happy.

    Then I was tempted to just let people to figure it out. But it would have made me to make it "visible": I mean... I would have to make it evident, act in a "gay" way. Just to avoid saying the words "I'm gay".

    I think the point is in the middle. At least, it works for me. My manerisms are not queer at all, so I need to "act". But I can say "I find this guy hot too", or talk about my ex-boyfriend when someone talks about his or her straight relationship. Or join a chat about sex. Or simple say "I like boys", but not as a confession. I don't need to be the center of attention. I need a more "natural" approach.
     
    #7 Altanero, Feb 7, 2024
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  8. Chillton

    Chillton
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    This is an older thread that I resolved but thank you again to everybody who has helped me on my journey. I did come out in December to my immediate family and it went rather well and we had a nice bonding experience afterwards. At this point I don't care who finds out I'm BI and I won't deny it. I don't feel the need to broadcast my status or troubleshooting coming out to people or friends. It's just a hassle and most people won't know how to respond anyway. Once I find a boyfriend everyone will connect the dots pretty quickly. Problem solved. I will try online dating soon but I've just been taking a small breather and enjoying the feeling of accepting my 100% authentic gay self. This is the first time in my life I have actually been happy and discovered I could love myself. All of my extreme suicidal thoughts I had my entire life have evaporated like they were never there and I feel physically, mentally, and emotionally enhanced. I also feel like I have 2-4 extra hours in the day because I would spend all that time stressing out.
     
    #8 Chillton, Feb 7, 2024
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