I wanted to make this thread to explain my feelings and worries more and maybe someone can relate. I don't know whether what I'm looking for is attention or me being needy. My psychiatrist wrote to my medical records that I have histronic (if I wrote that right) personality disorder, what I don't really believe. It be more believable if it was narssistic or avoidant. There are topics with, what I can't really handle by myself and do need medical help with. I think that I may even need to go back to taking antidepressants, though I don't honestly feel depressed. The depression I've dealt previously had very different feeling to how I feel now. It was like being in a dark pit from, where you can't get out from. In many aspects I've got better and grown and learned so much. Right now I mainly feel a lot of anxiety and frustration and mostly it's related to my sexuality. Some things that are affecting me now: 1. Dealing with EDS and chronic diseases; 2. Mental health; I'm hoping exercise and pain meds help me with EDS. I feel like an old person, despite just being 32 almost 33. I hope if I get on T I will have more energy. I will definetly work out more. I want abs. I will turn my breast area into muscle. Men have breast tissue naturally anyway. Now with the bottom part I have no idea what to do. I want this surgery, even if I won't be whole. I want to fullfill my dreams. I don't get much dysphoria there, but in order to live out the gay lifestyle, then I need it. Even if I don't get erections or anything, then I can still be stealth with it all hopefully. Who knows though how tehnology advances in the future. I want to figure out, whether I'm intersex. It would explain it all to me so much more. I can't wait to see geneticist in May. I know also my sexuality might change while being on T. These are just my feelings before T. Mental health part is what I really need to deal with. I do have some symptoms of OCD. I'm aware, even though it's difficult to admit it to myself. I think I tried to rationalize it by thinking I think of this way, because I've dealt with others who have OCD and they influenced me. I will see what my psychiatrist thinks, even though bringing up my sexuality is very uncomfortable. I also thought my intrusive thoughts previously weren't OCD like. Intrusive thoughts have now dissapeared though, at least I don't get them the same way as before. I also tried to tell myself there isn't any anxiety, so I couldn't possibly have it and no compulsions (maybe only with numbers 2 and 4, whenever I buy something I hate it being an odd number and I check stuff mostly online multiple times and I do check doors, whether they are locked, even though I know I locked it. Maybe it's just my adhd), but I don't know for sure, which is why I will take it to my psychiatrist. It's not on the point, where it gets in the way of my everyday life. Mostly questioning about my sexuality 24/7 frustrates me to no end and I feel like it's bad for my mental health. I just want questioning to stop. I will bring up ptsd too. I think this is the culprit behind some of my hallucinations. I did talk about it in committee too. They of course asked whether I've been abused, but I said no, one of the psychiatrists there though was suprised, when I said antidepressants helped with taking away my nightmares. After I stopped taking them though I feel like this feeling of dread is coming back. I had night terrors and hear explosions in my head, what are sleep disorders. Just few days ago though I heard screaming in my head, what completely terryfied me. Of course it could have been, because I've been getting to sleep late. I've heard voices in my heard before though, mostly people laughing. It is problably, because I've seen nightmares and living in fear, since I've been a young child and this is what has caused me so much damage. I've even feared having scizophrenia. It wouldn't be an unrealistic scenario. I've lived in fear and uncertainty, because alcohol consumption by my uncle and his coworkers caused a lot of fights in my own home and my grandma constantly warning me about this one coworker also left it's damage and why I saw nightmares about being raped in the first place and have a phobia about it.
Could this: Be linked to this: And this? I'm no expert, but people tend to be afraid for a reason. And it's usually something to do with their childhood. Hope things start improving in terms of your mental health, Rain. You deserve some happiness (as we all do). Hugs, Beth
I think you are right. Just hearing voices, seeing mental images and I even keeping having this feel and seeing myself fall from an high place, thanks to an accident. It's all really disturbing. My therapist did say a lot of things come from my enviroment. And thank you Beth. I do feel a little calmer. Uni has kept me busy too. Hugs
I think a bit of realization hit me. I've been in disbelief about having histironic personality disorder diagnosis. I'm way more aware of my behaviour now. I don't like to think about the fact that I'm easilly influencable and that I'm only imagining of having any sort of deeper connection with anyone. It only makes me doubt about being trans too. After seeing everyone interact and getting along is when this wave of feeling lonely took over. I did cry again. I should really focus on my work, rather than over silly stuff like this. I just hope this wont affect the committee decision on anything. They see my health records.
You seem to be really anxious and having doubts about a lot of things. That's a very difficult place to be in, I know from experience. Please remember to be kind to yourself!
Thank you. I will try. I still need to book an appointment with my therapist. I've been too busy. I do have an anxiety diagnosis too and I have dealt with it before, but I think it's time to try medication again. I have public speaking classes and people know I'm dealing with anxiety and that I know how to deal with it, so that all has been very helpful to me and lecturers have been reassuring and been telling that the fact that I go there up front and speak at all is a big thing. Even in committee they said that I should try and deal with my anxiety more. Anxiety does run a lot of aspects of my life. I get panic attacks too, but luckily those are rarer.
So, first off it’s sad that A, your therapist labeled you and B, she shared it with you. While transparency is important, her “providing you with a diagnosis” and her opinion will color your future experiences with them and your future reflections of yourself. HPD, I had to look it up, also comes with a host of stigmas, many of which are directed at the self. Personally, I find that to be a miscarriage of psychological healthcare. So what I would say, is the same thing I told my wife. Her therapist said that she had BPD. Now, my therapist alluded to the same, but… as a person staunchly opposed to labels… I resist. Am I wrong? Who knows? In any case, I’m sorry you’re going through some dark times with potential depression. I too have been struggling with depression for the last 4 years thought, in all fairness it probably has gone on longer. Now, I won’t hijack your thread, but just know, I understand what it’s like to feel like life is dark and quick-sandy, and that to do even the most rudimentary things takes an incredible amount of energy, effort, and willpower. Now, I know little about EDS. But upon my casual review, that doesn’t sound pleasant. I can see how it would make exercise or fitness regimens a challenge. But, and I say this not as a doctor (please visit a healthcare provider), but T and breast tissue can be mitigated, as least for biological males, with clomid and anastrozole. And, generally speaking, they’re a lot cheaper than alternatives. But back to the HPD, for your therapist to say that indicates that they may have seen evidence of those symptoms. What I would do is challenge you to analyze the intentions, expectations, and desires of your desires. Do you feel like you seek attention? If so, where could that come from. In my experience, those sort of predictions comes from a lifetime of neglect. Does that ring true for you? If so, then that may be a better avenue to follow to find out how neglect and such has impacted you, and how you have constructed your identity. There’s a lot in your post that I can’t weigh in. But just know that I empathize. You’re going through a lot and even in the best health conditions those would be a challenge.
I don't really like labels either. This is why I don't use transgender label for myself, because it don't define me and rather makes me feel more abnormal, than I already feel like. It exludes me from other groups of people. Labels don't make me feel like a person. I know to some they are important, to show and describe to others witch group they belong in. With potentsial psyhotic disorders it's another thing for me. I'd much rather would want to know it for 100%, rather than some vague diagnosis. It helps me to help myself too. Maybe I am too fixated on these things, but I can't help it, if I feel off I want to know why and how can I make myself better. I don't think it's all depression. I cry a lot, but also my life has been difficult and I have a lot of things on my shoulders. I was depressed for 3 years for sure (had depressive episodes), because of this whole being transgender thing and it's also what gave me this anxiety and I had mean intrusive thoughts. I conquered that, just got this anxiety left. One day I just felt like there is no darkness in front of my eyes anymore, that the world became clear hopeful and I felt like that ever since. I think my gp says I'm depressed just because I cried, but yes hard life + being emotional for getting invalidated about my identity. I don't believe I have histironic personality disorder while some things there seem true, then other things make no sence, but the symptoms also say, that people with this disorder don't believe they have this diagnose, what is similar to people with OCD. For example I'm not sexually inapropriate in any way. I don't wear revealing clothing or anything. Mostly jeans, tshirts and hoodies. I don't really know though what kind of symptoms I'm showing to my psychiatrist that ticks off these boxes that it's safe to diagnose me. I don't know if they get more money from certain diagnoses. I looked at the bill on my health records and it was 113 euros, with this diagnosis. He usually takes 60 euros for appointments, what's quite normal. I don't pay it myself, but I do have access to how much it would all costs and my medical bills aren't small for me. My neurologist saw me potentially having EDS, because my bones are very flexible and I'm in pain a lot, so this is very possible, which is why I made a geneticist appointment in order to diagnose it. I do have bad genetics since childhood, so it's not out of the question. I can do many of the same things with my bones that people with EDS can. I wonder if me basically living in the hospital since I was young made me feel necleted. I'm not really sure. Most of my childhood is foggy. I've been dissassociating, since I was 5, because again the transgender stuff and it was for my own protection.
So there is a lot here. And, while I'm not a doctor, I can provide my own perspective, and this perspective is colored by my own history with medicine and psychiatry. It's natural for you want to seek answers. The caution that I would suggest is not to be too accepting of people's opinions. I'll agree medical and psychiatric professionals have advanced training and knowledge, but there only one person who can understand your deep and thorough mental processes. That person is you. Only you can tell truly understand what you're feeling. And only you can know why. Medical and psychiatric professionals can only provide their inputs, based on their experience and what they've been taught. I would argue that you've spent more time in your headspace than any of them. And so... you're the professional. Unfortunately, you're biased because of that familiarity and so it's important to explore it from external perspectives. But, your truth should always be paramount. If you feel a diagnosis doesn't reflect you or conflicts with what you believe, then that merits further review and exploration. Until you accept it, you'll never be able to use it as an instrument of healing or progress. You mentioned "I don't think it's all depression. I cry a lot, but also my life has been difficult and I have a lot of things on my shoulders. I was depressed for 3 years for sure (had depressive episodes), because of this whole being transgender thing and it's also what gave me this anxiety and I had mean intrusive thoughts. I" I would ask what first brought about this idea of being transgender. It's clear it's caused you quite a bit of anguish and pain. What is pushing you toward that decision. I ask, because I think the idea of "transgender" is off because it's wrapped up in both the social construct of gender and the biological aspects of sex. Now, there are many more chromosomal distributions than XY and XX, so I'll never argue about how genes are expressed. I have a niece who went through a phase where they were transgender and then after time they came to the decision they were bi. When asked, the transgender component was used so that they wouldn't have to be homosexual. Now, that's a level of mental gymnastics that escape me. But in your case, it's clearly causing you problems. Why is this? When I learned and came to accept my bisexuality, it opened me up to a whole new path of peace. But your acceptance of being transgender seems cause you even more anguish. I don't know where that comes from but I think it's something worth exploring. Perhaps with your therapist, perhaps individually or with a friend. For the neurologist to see you "potentially having EDS, because my bones are very flexible and I'm in pain a lot," seems like a weak diagnosis. I know medical systems vary from country to country and Europe seems to have the creme de le creme of medicine, but that diagnosis seems unusually vague. I would think that to give someone a definitive diagnosis, as requiring something beyond a "potential" related to skeletal flexibility. Now, I have a natural distrust of the medical profession. Anytime someone comes to me with an aire of superiority, medical or clergy, I am skeptical. But I would say they phoned it in with your diagnosis. In the end, I think you have to decide, how do you want to live your life? Why do you want to live it that way? What will it take to live the life you want? How do you make it happen? Do it. I think once you identify who and how you want to be, the anxiety, the trouble, the depression, will be a thing of the past. I think those things are mental outputs of a life of dissonance. Get rid of the dissonance and I think you will be in a happier place. Now, these are just my late night musings If you find issues or points of disagreements, I encourage that.
I have a medical backround as well. I'm a professional at caregiving and year of nursing school behind me, so I'm very aware of some of the things. One thing is that I know who I am and having dysphoria tells me that this is correct. None of it is a phase for me. While many things make me doubt, then I think this is normal. I've had panic attacks thinking of having to spend rest of my life in this body. My self view has always been distorted, so I don't disagree that I do have some sort of mental issue. The question is what kind of mental issue it is. In EDS I have more symptoms than the flexible bones. I don't doubt that this is incorrect, but geneticist can tell more. Beside the EDS the reason I'm going to geneticist is to figure out whether I'm intersex. I have my doubts there. It's the most logical explanation to me. I don't feel like my body is either female or male. I have characteristics of both.
While I don't like everything you say, then in many of the things I agree with you. I've had bad encounters with medical professionals too and while I don't think I should blindly trust all of it they say, then I also think they know more than me. Thanks to my psychiatrist and psychologist and medication and working on myself is how I got rid of depression. You have to work on yourself too. Just them telling you stuff alone isn't making things better. It does cause me anquish, because the society around me isn't accepting and starting hormone therapy might be risky because of my health issues. I keep thinking that it would be so much easier, if I'd just be happy with myself, but I'm not and this happiness is what I'm looking for. The intersex topic is causing distress too, because you feel like your body is messed up. Like you have characteristics that are potentially for both men and women, but that causes so much confusion. I'm not one or am I the other, when it comes the physical aspects. My inside don't reflect in the outside. This all also affects my sexuality. It makes me feel incomplete. I'm still on my way to become true to myself, but it's a harsh journey. My story is too long, but I will post a link where I posted about it on EC before. You can read it if you're intrested. I've already been to committee who decides whether I'm allowed on hormone therapy or not. I've been exploring these feelings for 3 years already. I've started a journey that isn't for the weak willed. Sexuality and gender identity are two different things. Society is so harsh, that is no wonder your niece was scared. They problably thought being in a different gender would make it easier to actually date the same gender.
This is the link to my full transgender journey: https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/my-full-story.493193/
With many diagnoses it's more like you have to meet not 100% of the criteria, but 2 out of 4 or 3 out of 10 with one key criterion present. No two patients will have the same symptoms, it's rather a cluster. As far as I understand, but I can be wrong, personality disorder is when certain thoughts and behaviours are ego-syntonic, not ego-dystonic. For example, if you have OCD and have a hard to control urge to wash hands due to anxiety and/or tension, that's ego-dystonic. You think you're doing nonsense, but can't resist it or suffer a lot due to internal tension if you resist the urge. Someone having a personality disorder has a view of the world that washing your hands all the time is reasonable and it doesn't cause harm, it helps. I mean, there is no such personality disorder, but I'm trying to illustrate. You do want to feel accepted by others and seek validation even if it's not needed and will cost you additional effort, so I feel like this is where it came from, but I'm in no way qualified to tell which diagnosis it is. I think there might be a thin line between HPD and trauma. Again, I'm no expert, but perhaps it means that in addition to the trauma and emotional healing you might need more CBT? CBT means cognitive behavioural therapy and deals with thought patterns and how they influence your behaviour and feelings, in turn the way you relate to the world and how you cope with different things. I personally found CBT harmful, because I'm stoic and tend to repress feelings, but a lot of people with a different psychological configuration, for whom feelings can leak into their thinking more easily, find it helpful. Also, keep in mind that it might or might not be an accurate diagnosis. It's very hard to receive any diagnosis, so I'm sending a big virtual hug. Hang in there and don't let it bring you down.
True. It makes sense to me. The most accurate symptom that goes with this disorder is this: People with histironic personality disorder have intense, unstable emotions and distorted self-images. What is 100% me. I thought my self image being distorted might come from body dysmorphia though. When I see myself from a mirror it's not really me there. Most of the time I feel like I want to break the mirror, because it's not me there. So witch is also why I think there is some sort of mental issue. My traumas has caused me mental issues for sure, so it might all come from there instead. I think it's my traumas that have caused me to hear voices and I freak out with loud explosions like fireworks, what caused me to have a panic attack outside once. It felt like there was explosions all around me and I freaked out and wanted to get away, so I went inside. So now I avoid going outside during new years. So many of these symptoms might be related to many different things, so I get that it would be hard to diagnose me. Mostly what I seek from all of this is some sort of clarity, because it's important for me. I feel like I don't need validation, but I do seem to seek it a lot. It's another thing I'm oblivious to. Acceptance yes. It's also an emotional topic. I have been having CBT therapy so far with my psychologist. Well she mostly asks questions and gives advice and listens. I'm not sure if it's this actually, but I will talk about it to my psychiatrist, who can appoint me, if needed. I will. Thank you and sending virtual hug to your way too.
It can be both imo That can also be both Certain exoeriences can shape your perceptions in the long run Certain issues can be a symptom of a deeper-seated problem It's complex Yes, the hard part about psychological diagnosis is that it requires a lot of in-depth information and understanding. For a layperson and even for mental health professionals it can be very hard to pin down the exact roots of someone's issues.
I often feel like I need to spend some time in the psychiatric hospital. It would also mean I'd get away from my home enviroment and really heal for some time, but I have too many obligations in order to do that and people who need me. There is still a lot of stigma, when it comes to psychiatric help in my country. I was very close to wanting myself get admitted, when I first found myself a psychiatrist. Things were a lot worse then, than they are now though.
