Parents: please don't assume sexual orientation

I think it is really hard to do that but I see where you are coming from. Society, media....the "norm" (whatever the heck that is! LOL!), is out there all the time. In our family, we did have the hetero norm but also through my sisters-in-law, the non-hetero norm. But yeah....now that I think of it I did always talk about girlfriends and wives to my son. I have been trying hard to be gender neutral over the past few weeks and just this week referred to his future boyfriend or girlfriend. That prompted a "Mom, its going to be a boyfriend. 100% sure." comment from him so I guess I no longer have to be neutral.

 

I do think it's instructive that you (slestell) used neutral language not before he came out, when you assumed hetero, but after, when you might have more appropriately implied totally gay expectations. Only when he forcefully reminded you of his gayness did you commit to one side. Not trying to bash you personally, think your reaction to everything has been great, but it's just intriguing that heteronormativity is so powerful that even a 'coming out', powerful as it is, only turns the dial to 'neutral' in terms of parental expectations.

I think those of us who are queer should take heed of how deeply engrained imagined heterosexual futures are in our parents' mind: it's sad, but true. Hopefully in a few more generations it won't be the case, but maybe I'm being too optimistic.

 

I agree. It makes it that much more painful to come out.

 

tastetherainBow

 

I hate it, especially if you're out to them.

 

I joined EC recently as I started wondering about some of the non-normative gender behaviour of my seven year old son and wanted to know what/if I need to do anything different as a parent to support him – or avoid wrong reactions. I know it is too early to make assumptions about his sexual orientation but I was thinking about this nonetheless and found this thread particularly useful. So thank you Linco&all for starting the thread and sharing your own view and experience, it is very helpful indeed.

It is not easy to take this neutral stance unless one either suspects their child is not straight or simply there is awareness in the family about LGBT issues (I noticed that many of the parents who replied are LGBT so you have the insight of your own experience). Like someone said earlier, we are hard wired to think in hetero-terms, and it takes a determined effort to take this neutral stance without precisely knowing why (is the kid not straight, will this help or create more confusion, will they hear different things at school etc.). I believe that more parents would make such efforts if they had better understanding of the trauma that could be avoided when the kids discover they are not straight…

What I found interesting with my own kids (I’ve got a younger daughter too) is that they picked up fast on the idea that they can marry a boy or a girl, and accepted same gender as something normal! In their fairy tale world, they can actually imagine two princes or princesses in love – and that is really great. Living in a country where same sex marriage is allowed does help a great deal in creating this sense of normality. Kids just absorb any information around them and the schools, which have such an influence on them at this young age (for better or worse, same with parents in fact), can talk about same sex marriage and further put their mind at ease.

 

Hard wired is probably not the best term. I find it unlikely that parents have an innate compulsion to envisage exclusively straight relationships...

The rest of your post really touched me. I think it's great that you're so caring and open. Your son is in good hands. I would just add that 'do not assume' goes in both directions: I.e. that just because he may be more feminine acting etc. means nothing strictly speaking for his future orientation, and in your efforts to be neutral, I would try to avoid giving off as if his set of behaviours are a 'thing' that you have singled out for analysis or further thought.

 

@YaraNunchuck

No, I don't think parents have an innate compulsion but just a strong inclination towards hetero norms&expectations. As a point in case, I was surprised to read comments on EC from LGBT parents that seemed to suggest that they too assumed/expected their kids to be straight - don't you find that surprising, the power of habit (?) seems to go a long way!

As for your second point, thanks, a very good suggestion (my husband will second you on this!) that I will try and follow. Unfortunately, I tend to be a bit introspective and can't always supress my habit of analysing things.