Parents... how did they react??

Okay, so did anyone's parents actually freak out or get mad? I know this sounds weird, but I am interested in hearing those stories, considering I am out to everyone except my mom, aunt and cousins. I don't care what my step dad thinks, since he isn't my real father anyways. My mom is a self-proclaimed Christian, but she hasn't ever said anything mean or cruel about gay people, nor has she ever called them names. She did pull me aside once and told me it was against the Bible and it was wrong, but that was when I was twelve (I think I mentioned this in another post). I really want to come out to her because her and I are really close, but I want to make sure she wont freak out and disown me, mostly because I still have financial ties to her with regards to college. I really don't want to mess THAT one up!

 

It took my dad about a week to get over me coming out. His initial reaction was really, really bad, but he warmed up quickly. The night I came out though, I was disowned. Moral of the story: Do not come out unless you are financially able to fend for yourself. Luckily, I already had a good job and my own house, so there was basically nothing my parents could do but suck it up and get over it if they ever wanted to see me again.

Here's a more in-depth look at my coming out, since it was MAJOR DRAMA at the time, and I recorded it here at EC: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-stories/41003-letter-got-me-disowned-yesterday.html

And the aftermath with my mom: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-stories/41620-my-mom-hates-me-right-now.html

It took my mom almost six months before she finally made it over the hump. Those six months were some of the most miserable of my life. I felt like my mom hated me just for existing, and that's what it seemed like every time she looked at me - basically she was just going through the stages of grief, and when she hit anger, she took it ALL out on me.

At this point though (almost a year in, since I came out last November) neither one of them talk about it much, but they do say things like, "Now that DADT is being repealed, you can still go into the military!" and, "We still want you to settle down with someone nice, they'll allow marriage before too long."

Neither one of them calls me by male pronouns, which kind of bothers me, but they don't say disparaging things about me presenting male or binding my chest anymore either, so I'm calling it a win. Plus, I'm not out to everyone, so it would be sort of weird if they called me "he" at home and "she" in public.

 

When I told my mom, we were right about to pick my sister up -- I was too afraid to tell her before then, and I wouldn't get a chance to tell her after my sister was there, so I spat it out right in front of her, before we stepped out the door. She stared at me in shock, then hugged me, and didn't press me on the subject again. And still hasn't. (This was about a year ago).

However, I've never been close to my dad, so telling him was much harder -- I ended up waiting until he was out of town with his girlfriend, and sending him an email at around 2 in the morning. Then I locked my door and cried myself to sleep. I woke up to him banging on my door at nine in the morning. After some hesitation I let him in, and he talked to me about how he's not mad at me, but he doesn't understand it at all, and talked around the subject of my actual sexuality and moreso on how "I can still be successful" as if it were a debilitating mental condition. I can't tell if we've gotten closer or not since then, since our relationship fluctuates now.

Then came my stepdad. He's a southerner who puts off a huge homophobic vibe, and at one point my dad told me that my stepdad called him and "informed him of my sexuality". My trust for my stepdad hit the floor, since I'd assumed he went through my texts while I was in the shower. After that, I resented being around him for a good year, when he finally poured his heart out to me after I'd had a terrible day and I had snapped at him for being a "close-minded redneck". He said that he'd seen me talking to my boyfriend via AIM, and he didn't care if I were straight or gay or asexual or anything, but only that he's glad to have a stepson like me. I felt like a freaking :***:. But yeah that's my story.

 

I told both my mum and my step-dad a year ago now. My mum cried because she thought I was going to have a 'hard life' but was reassured when she found out all my friends didn't care so she had reassurance in that. She still went over the top and when telling my family she made a huge deal about it and they didn't care. Then about 6 months later we were speaking about it and my mum told me she didn't think I was bi or gay because "nothing has changed" about me. (because many people wouldn't have a clue I was gay anyway so I think she thought I was going to turn into a stereotype).

My stepdad didn't care, but a couple of weeks back made a homophobic remark about two gay characters kissing and looked at me for approval. He was like "Urgh" and the look at me and did a gag face as if to say: "Urgh, isn't that disgusting". I am assuming he has either forgotten or also doesn't believe me Lol. He's not normally Rude so it was weird.

And my sister also keeps on asking about girlfriends but not boyfriends even though she knows I like both. So I also think she doesn't believe me.

All in all it seemed like a massive waste of time if it wasn't for the relief I feel in myself. Then when they act shocked again if I bring a guy home I can say: "Well, I did tell ya!"

It's infuriating.

 

You wanna know about a bad experience? Take mine, for example.

I came out two days ago. I was expecting to be kicked out, but they said it's okay, we'll talk about it. Forward coming home yesterday, they flipped out and said that God doesn't make people this way. We all go through phases and that I have "plenty of time figure this out". My mom said she'll kill herself if I was. Jesus, woman, relax, will ya? They said my facts about being born this way was wrong and they think we shouldn't talk about this for a couple of years until I'm settled and everything, and that we'll deal with it then. But, my sister told me that my mom told her that she feels positive that I'll change. The hardest part about this is letting my parents down. I know they'll die inside when I tell 'em again, but I can't go back in the fucking closet again for them; I just can't. My sister is slowly, but surely, warming up to the idea (she's past the "hopeful" stage that I'll change, so that's good), but she's also scared about what's gonna happen to my parents when I come out again in a couple of years. My parents also said even if I am in the future, we'll talk about it then. At the end of the day, it's my fucking life. They have to accept it, and if they don't, that's their choice.

 

I haven't told my mom because I know she won't accept it. She suspects it I think, but doesn't say anything. The subject kind of came up and she said if it was true she that it was her fault, which we all know it isn't her fault or anyone else's fault. My family does not know either. No one close to me does. It is kind of hard actually not being able to express myself and just let it all out. I do not know what to do about it to be honest.

 

It's kind of been an on and off battle with my mom, who I tried to tell this summer, basically by saying "Mom, I think I like girls...and guys." She thought this was a ridiculous idea, and said I was a silly teenager who just didn't know what he wants, and proceeded to ask me why I would make my life so difficult when I could just pretend to be straight. Of course I tried to explain to her that I don't really consider myself "straight and gay", but that I consider myself bisexual. I think it was just a really hard concept for her to grasp, so we kind of ended the conversation awkwardly, and I think she's just ignoring it for now. I really don't know where to go from here, but I really wish I could help her understand. For now I just feel like I'm hiding myself from her, and I can't really be myself while I'm at home, which is just really frustrating...

 

My dad just said 'I know' and asked me why I thought he'd told me all those stories about growing up with transsexuals, bisexuals, gays and lesbians. XD.

 

My mom started to cry, and told me she always expected. Then after that it was never mentioned again. Things are great between us though. I haven't told my dad yet. I think he would be fine with it though. I have wonderful parents :icon_bigg

 

When I told my mom it was like I couldn't lie to her one day so:
me- Mom, I'm not going with my two friends tomorrow, I going with someone else.
mom- Ok, so... with who?
me- with (boyfriend's name)
mom- umm ok... and
Silence...
me- Well... I like him
mom- are you confused or something?
me- No, I do like him
Then we talked and everything. In a part of the conversation she said that she kinda knew. She even gave me money because she asked me if we (my boyfriend and I) were going to eat somewhere.

Then she told my dad and when my dad saw me (he was on a trip) he was like: Hey, your mom talked to me. I just wanted to say that everything is ok and I want to talk to you.
We talked and it was great My dad took it so well (his sisters and my cousins are very close minded, though) He even ask me sometimes how is my boyfriend and what's new he is so cool.

 

Give her some time. My mom said it was okay that I was (although, she still hopes, by a miracle, that I become straight because "God works in mysterious ways"), but I know she's hurting inside. I can see it in the way she looks at me, the way she walks or even talks. They just need time to understand it. They just need time re-think a future that isn't as certain as it used to be in their minds. And it could be because I've only laid it out on them within three days, and I'm just really impatient LOL. So, I guess, I should be following the same advice I'm giving you.

 

My parents told me it was a phase and when they realized it was not, they disowned me. I still get calls from my mother once in a while trying to convince me to come home and "try to be normal. Just try being straight" UGHHH! They also blame me being gay on my current partner... even though i have had 5 gf's in total. It's for the better that they disowned me, but it still hurts.

 

Sorry to hear that they "disowned" you. You have support though, and hopefully they will realize sooner than later that they are making a mistake by doing that. No matter what, you are still their kid, and they should accept you for who you really are.

 

Damn. That was my biggest fear. I'm sure that your parents will come around SOME TIME. My mother was just telling me that it's really hard for a parent to even conceptualize living without their kids. There are only a select few that feel nothing when they let their kids go, but most, if not all, feel this sense of emptiness if their kid is gone, or if they abandon them. Be hopeful! You never know what happens in the future.

 

I've never dated a guy.

I came out nine months ago. My Mom told me she always wanted a gay child lol. I found that particularly odd. I was ready for all the drama and I got, "yippie" instead ha. Unsure how my Dad felt about that reaction...

My Dad wanted to see it as just a phase I was going through and was convinced I thought I was bisexual just by a character I'd seen on TV. Any time I tried to talk about it, he'd be - "no, it'll pass in time, you do this a lot." Finally I just got fed up and let it slip that I liked when the quarterback took his shirt off during gym class in high school lol. He kinda shut up about it being a "phase" from then on.

My Mom brings it up from time to time. Mostly just where politics is concerned. But, it's kinda awkward when she brings it up in public. I mean for gay guys this may be different, I'm unsure. But being bisexual it can lower your chances with girls. And having your Mom mention it in public when there's a girl around you like? It's just awkward lol.

I saw 'The Sitter' the other day with my Dad. It had LGBT characters in it. We didn't talk about it or mention it. Also he's been rooting for me to go after girls a lot more recently, which is cool - I naturally do lean more that way anyways - but I wonder if there's anything more behind it. When my eyes do check out guys either he doesn't notice it or doesn't bring it up. So it's more like this "kept secret" thing which worries me somewhat, but he's always been distant - so I think it may just be that.

 

I'm sorry for being insensitive, but I actually laughed at the quarterback part LOL.

 

Not really insensitive lol. Everyone loves that story. I mean it was the most sure way to get him to realize the 'phase' has been going for a long time. It was amazing too, the quarterback always stood up for me to the other players (I was sort of a nerd), he made me the "secret weapon" during gym always the surprise running back, always had his shirt off lol, and even somewhat flirted with me during music class. Nothing happened beyond that. All guys school. Neither of us were out. But, I'm still curious about whether or not there was something more there or just what I wanted to be there.

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On another note, I forgot to mention I'm somewhat nervous about bringing the whole LGBT thing back up with my dad. Basically what I'm sure a lot on here are going through with all these politics and republicans denouncing gays going on. My Mom's a firm democrat. My Dad's a firm republican, but voted for Barack last time. This time? According to my Mom, I haven't been home in a while, he's back to being a republican. My thoughts: "why would he choose politics over family?" Even though I'm sure he's not thinking that way. It's just a very, for those who watch it, Teddy 90210 type thing.

 

dl72 and sometimes, I hope they come around. they are in an uber conservative cult tho so I doubt that. I don't understand how someone can just leave their children behind and feel nothing. but its for the best now and I hope they come around.

 

I think I had a similar instance when it came to flirting. I was in grade 8 and I always used to look at this one guy in my history class. He was Italian, and extremely hot. And he knew I stared at him because I was that bloody obvious. And we never talked. Despite that, he still took the time to talk to me and ask me how my day was and if I had his favorite teacher as my teacher. I always wondered what happened to him.

---------- Post added 13th Dec 2011 at 12:22 AM ----------

They may never come around fully, but if they can at least say they love you, then that's all that matters, yeah? Acceptance is amazing, but for a lot, it's never there. Sigh.

 

Sometimes,
Sigh is right... wish I could hear that from them. don't mean to have a pity party, but its just my reality. I feel so lucky to have my partner and the supports I do have. When I came out, some family that I didn't know kind of came out of the wood work and support me fully... about 3 people, but that is great. I feel lucky to have who I have.