Out to spouse?

The other night my wife asked me if I was gay or bi I said bi

 

“IS”??? Do you see yourself as bi?

 

Ah. I guess I misunderstood when you said the answer is/was no.

So. Where do you see yourself five years from now?

My ski buddy and his wife divorced years ago and remain friends. He’s gay and only came out recently after decades apart from his wife. I won’t go into his story since that is his to tell. But, there are many ways to express your sexuality and live your truth.

I wonder if your wife believed your answer? I would guess she has a pretty good idea. My wife never suspected that I was bisexual even though I told her I was “attracted to some guys” when we dated WAY back. You might find that she is just waiting for you to come out.

 

It seems like you have some clarity about what you want and need. So, how do you go about achieving that?

I’m not looking for an answer. This is more a theoretical question.

 

Sometimes this is a result of the way we viewed ourselves and our sexuality. My generation I was taught that homosexuality was wrong and being gay was being weak. This causes many of us to have low self esteem and many of us feel unworthy of happiness.

So, it can be hard to go after what we want and need. The classic description of many hetero married gay people is that we are “pleasers”. Those around us are quite willing to look the other way because we serve them well.

Not saying this is you. But, something to consider.

 

Yeah. I've had some time to think about all of this now. I have a brother who is gay and he saved me from the gutter when I came out. The initial reaction from my wife was "Get out!". I survived that by begging. Six months later I came out to friends. The "Leave Now" got stronger. I begged and, tbh, I lied. No where to go will do that. Do what you have to do, do whatever it takes, said my brother. I don't love her, I'm trapped. I put up with coercive crap daily. I have no alternative. This is the first time I've ever been this honest out loud.

 

It’s very hard sometimes to know what one really wants and needs. Like separating desire and fantasy from the complexity of real day to day life. Sometimes I feel that what i want and what is achievable and sustainable in the long run are two different things. Maybe when emotions are a more prominent or dominant factor. It can be different. Because otherwise sex is just sex. But when it becomes down to emotional intimacy and other factors off course it’s different. All the wants and needs are combined in a broader scale this will in my opinion will be a solid foundation for a relationship in any orientation.

 

Not jumping the gun at all @Nealg. I have similar goals and I'm formulating a plan..its the only way to keep moving forward

 

I feel for you Maldoone. It must be very difficult to stay where you are. Her reaction to you coming out sounds like most wives I expect apart from the few fortunate instances where the wife understands. Did she suspect you were gay before you told her?

 

Thank Joolz. No. I don't think she did. Judging by the obvious shock and all the questions, along with the demand that I leave. After about two hours of that, she switched - it was almost instant - to a calmer person. I'd read a lot around possible reactions, so none of the questions she had were unexpected. "Did I make you gay" or "did you lie to me" or "I don't know if I know you at all". All of that came trotting out. A week later she asked me, all cosy on the sofa, if I still thought I was gay. After going through all that and knowing it to be true, I could not deny it. Anyway, she declared that she thought I must be Bisexual and that's the last we talked of it. Five years later and the subject of anything LGBT is treacherous. I'm a better man though, and I understand so much more about sexuality than I did. The experience did me good. The legacy is yet to be resolved....

 

Five years is a very long time… the stories of coming out to our wives are all so harrowing and similar and I have know idea how I would approach it..even if I would approach it..your courage is amazing

 

I’m gay. Out to my wife. Still living together. Trying to make it work. Some days are ok. Some days not so ok. Everyday the need for me to be with a man physically/sexually becomes more intensified. She is still trying to deny the truth about me. She insists I must be bisexual because I still have sex with her. The reality is that I’m craving human physicality. I can still perform for her, but what I’m able to do and what I want to do are very different. I want and need something my wife can’t provide. Strap-ons are fun but I like penetrating men also. I like stubble, stinky man crotch smell and men’s feet. Those are just a few of my needs, desires and wants. I’ll never be satisfied unless I’m getting what I need sexually and it’s frustrating for me. I really wish I’d never hidden being gay. I’m sure you can relate

 

Wow! Way too familiar

 

I am out to my spouse as bi. It has not been an easy journey, and we are still working through it with counseling. The key is we are working through it. I think we are doing so because our relationship has always been solid and we genuinely care for one another. There has been no abuse in our relationship. The difficulty arises because of the insecurities of abandonment she is feeling because of prior abusive relationships that had been buried and forgotten in her past as well as the difficulties accepting that her spouse is not straight. That and my frustrations of lack of acceptance and lack of understanding why I had not come out to her LONG ago. Add into the mix skewed hormones due to a pituitary tumor and the health and emotional issues associated with that.

Anyway, long story short we have worked through a lot and are, in many ways on much better terms in our relationship than we have been in years.

It has been about a year and a half since I have accepted myself as bi and about eight months since I have been out to her. Now we talk more, she is more accepting; I am more patient; and we are more secure. She is not as afraid of me leaving her and I am more free to be my authentic self with her and myself. I even have a FWB that she is aware of.

 

Oh. So familiar! I went to a biofuels conference one day around 6 years ago. A young guy in farming overalls sat next to me, fresh from work. It was one of those moments after realising that I enjoyed his scent, that I knew irrevocably that I was and must accept that I'm gay. Life has been better since!