Overall, I am pretty happy and healthy. I was raised in a supportive liberal household. My family and friends are mostly LGBTQ+ allies. Every moment I face a single thought that I can't shake. I am 20yo, male, and gay since as long as I can remember, but for the life of me, I cannot come out to anyone. Being in the closet and acting straight my whole life has taken a torment on my mental health. I know I'm not alone but I can't help but feel like no one gets me. I need some advice... how should I come out without feeling worse? And if anyone has tips with how to deal with internalized homophobia, please help me out... Thank you all. I'm new here and I feel so inspired by all of the positivity. Wishing the very best to all who read this
Welcome to EC. You may have trouble with people accepting you because you haven't accepted yourself yet. We have to love ourselves before we can truly love and help others. The first step is accepting yourself before worrying about coming out to anyone later. After you do that, things will start to become more clear and natural. I used to have a lot of fear from the idea of coming out of the closet or being exposed. But once I accepted myself everything became infinitely easier.
JT820672…..I usually catch people when they make their first post in the "Welcome Lounge" but I missed you there, so I'll catch back up to you here! …..Hello and a big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent! ) when that becomes necessary! This is a safe community of loving, caring and very supportive people and we will do our best to help you blend into the community. *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out, join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here…EC is a safe place. I hope that you'll find good things here too! Folks here will talk to you and share...you don't have to be afraid of asking questions...we're glad to have you! Empty Closets is all about making connections and giving LGBTQ folks a voice when they otherwise don't have one in their day-to-day lives. Some info on how to navigate EC: When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message. …..David
JT820672.....You might want to consider using a letter when the time comes to tell your parents. You of course have to be the one who decides when that time is. No one can do that for you, but a letter can make it easier. A big plus to a letter is that you don't have to be present when the letter is read. That can be a very big help as it eliminates the potential face-to-face confrontation that can sometimes be difficult. Coming out in writing means you will not be interrupted or face a barrage of questions that you need to answer immediately, in the heat of the moment. You get time and they get time too and that counts for a lot. It gives the people reading the letter some time to think before they talk to you. After all, you've had time to think about your sexuality for years…giving them at least some time to think about it too only seems fair! There are some great sample coming out letters here on Empty Closets that could be a big help to you. You can edit the letter(s) to fit your situation. Even if you don't eventually use the letter, taking time to think about it and to write one will help you to be sure to say what you need to say and leave out the rest! You can then use the letter as a "script" for when you do come out face-to-face. You may want to avoid anything very personal as there is always the possibility that the letter may end up being seen by others. Others seeing the letter could be a good thing, but keeping very personal things out is wise! Check out the letters (see below)...they could be a real help! *****Also...when you do come out, whether it's tomorrow or a year from now, your parents and/or friends will probably have questions. Take some time now to think about what those questions might be. Such as; "How do you know you're gay?" or "How long have you felt this way?" etc. The questions themselves will vary a great deal depending upon your family and friends...so take that into consideration. If you work up a list of five or six probable questions with the answers already planned, you will likely be perceived as a more mature, serious person. *****COMING OUT LETTERS: http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out-letters.php *****Remember...you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! Keep us updated on how things are going for you! .....David
It took me quite a while to accept myself first after hiding it and pushing in down for so many years then once I finally accepted myself then I came out to friends and family
Thanks everyone for the reassurance and advice. I'm happy to be here @Chillton and @Jakebusman if you're comfortable, would you be able to share your process of self love and acceptance before coming out? I think this might be the key for me. I'd be interested in hearing other's stories as well. Also, from your personal experience, should I come out to everyone at once or ease myself into it? Who should I start with?
I dont really have a story just got tired of pushing those feelings down as far as coming out come out to as many as you feel comfortable with it's not a race
Growing up I was abused and bullied a lot. So I really thought that there wasn't a reason to believe in or love myself. It was just a fact. The judgement I faced on a daily basis was overwhelming, so I tried extremely hard to fit in, put myself out there, and pretended to be straight. To make some kind of connection. I had a lot of platonic love to share and treated everyone like a neighbor, but no one cared. So out of bitterness, since nobody cared I resigned to invest all that time, energy, and love into myself instead of other people. It changed my life. I spent time showing myself love and care, and did things I enjoyed that no one else did, and came to terms with my sexuality. Once I accepted myself all my problems became manageable and had an end in sight. There are still things I don't like about myself but I think that is OK. We all have flaws. For now I can accept myself and love the person I'm trying to become. I've wasted so much time and no one cares. But I do and I'll make the most of it. It's hard to show or explain how to accept yourself because everyone's paths and experiences are vastly different. But basically you just have to shower yourself with attention and love like you would to someone else. You have to be like your own friend/therapist/guardian you wish you had. Treat yourself with kindness, patience, and a friendly instance. Once you accept yourself you can move on to becoming the you, you want to be. That process will lead you to loving yourself. With that confidence in yourself you will clearly be able to see your future and work to make it a reality. As far as coming out to people, it really depends on the situation and person. For now I would just come out to the people you're super close with and interact with on a daily basis. Like your immediate family. If you come out to everyone then everyone will bombard you with questions and direct conversations all at once. Take it slow and prepare yourself for what you can reasonably manage. Personally I don't broadcast my status. If they ask, I won't deny it. However once I find a boyfriend everyone will connect the dots really quick. I only came out to immediate family because those are the only opinions I care about in my life. Those are really the only people worth coming out to. If you don't care about their opinion or role in your life then it isn't necessary to come out to them directly. What matters is accepting yourself because it's your life not theirs. You're the only one who can live your life and they can worry about their own. Don't put your life on hold because someone will judge you for it.
