Need help, am I bi or gay?

You could be straight but curious. I'm gay but i have major boners for really hot brunettes. I dont know why, maybe a childhood subconscious thing.

 

Exactly, who do you find yourself drawn to more dude?

This is also why I pointed you to the shybi page.

Many bi guys have days or months when they're purely attracted to the same sex, then have it disappear for months. Some alternate daily on who they're attracted to. This is why I see it as - I can only firmly say I'm attracted to people. I'm the fluctuator. Everyone catches my interest, it just depends on who I'm around. Restricting myself would be painful - like cutting off one arm just to fit "society."

You've said you like girls and have liked being intimate with girls. In my books, that's definitely not gay. Liking guys isn't gay, just part of the continuum. Hets only like girls. Homos only like guys. Bis (or any branch thereof) like both, if even to varying degrees. Those links I provided will explain it all.

I haven't even done anything with a guy yet. How do I know I'm bi? 1) I check out girls, 2) Girls turn me on, 3) I dream about hot blonde girls sucking me off, 4) I think Alex Pettyfer is hot!, 5) I check out random guys out on the street as well, 6) I fell for the high school quarterback (he actually initiated it with me, but it didn't get to intimacy). Some bis never even date guys, they're just attracted to them. Some date both. Some never even date girls. How do we all know? We're born this way.

 

That's not necessarily true dude, some bi guys don't act upon it and they're still bi. As said, I haven't acted on it yet and know as a fact. A straight guy knows they're straight without acting on it. A gay guy knows they're gay without acting on it. Etc.

I told my Mom that I'm like Oscar Wilde, Robert Downey Jr, Marlon Brando, James Dean, Plato, William Shakespeare and etc. I'm bi. She was totally accepting. She mentioned that she could tell my Dad. He thought it was a phase. So, unfortunately I had to tell him I liked it when the quarterback, I mentioned above, took his shirt off. That cleared things up. Notice, I'm still bi. lol. There was a lot of tension still. But, it's worn down.

Weirdest thing, found out my Mom's a fag hag. She always dreamed one of her kids would wind up gay. When I came out as bi, she comically kept pressuring me hoping that I'd say I leaned more towards guys. But, I don't. Still funny though.

My friends are pretty cool with it. I can talk about guys and girls I like around them. I'm just not out to extended family (parental pressure) or at work (girls there, want them to think of me as available). My cousin's getting married soon and I have no idea who I'll be with, so that should be "interesting" if it turns out to be a guy around then lol...

STAGES:
1) Yourself, not experimenting - just accepting guys are hot to you.
2) Friends, I told them I'm like one of the X-Men.
3) Siblings, leads into family easing.
4) Parents, either separate or together. Moms might be easier.

 

How do you think your family would react if they knew? Friends? I came out first to a friend who I knew would be totally supportive--it's good to have some successes before you tell the people who might have questionable reactions, since then you'll have friends to back you up. A lot of people recommend coming out to your friends before your family so that you'll have a support system if the worst happens and you lose your home, but each situation is different and only you know what's best. I'd find someone you really trust who's very open minded and talk to him/her about this. It may be easier to come out to someone you know who is gay/bi; they'll be unlikely to try to change you or think it's a phase, and they'll have gone through the same thing and might have some advice.

Good luck man, I know you'll work this out.

 

I REALLY thought I could *pull of* bi, for while.About 5 years.

I think a lot of gay people could, but it doesn't mean they aren't people who are truly bisexual. People always say that it's nonsense for men to be bi-I agree with that in some ways, simply because a man's sexuality is usually more back and white and influenced less by emotional factors than a woman's is, BUT, I feel that I myself have what could be described as more of a male sexuality and I'm a woman. So there have to be men who have preferences that could be more fluid and more like that of women.

I also liked having sex with men. REALLY. But I didn't like kissing, or their bodies, or cuddling. I liked the physical aspect of it but I couldn't really feel the intimacy and I wasn't really turned on while doing it, until I was, you know...*turned on*.

But I did enjoy the sex in a weird, having-sex-with-your-best-friend kind of way. I was very close this way with my boyfriends, they all started as very good friends and then finally I just thought that I really waned to do what other women did and be with these men because I LOVED some of them, and thought that I could teach myself to feel what other women did...even thought that maybe most of them weren't crazy about men either, at one point, and that I was bi and that maybe these other women felt that I way I did and were with men because it was easier.

I don't know what I was thinking, it wasn't for me. I think I can describe myself as an open-minded gay person who can have a deep appreciation for members of the opposite sex on a lot of different levels, but the REAL sexual, emotional, I-need-to-be-with-this-person kind of attraction never happened for me. Never learned to enjoy kissing a boy the way I like to kiss girls and never got chills from thinking about or touching one. Never had male crushes that weren't platonic...I can have platonic crushes on lots of people, even other women without being attracted to them but it's a different sort to thing for me. Maybe like they way a dog feels about it's owner lol, it's more about admiration.

But I think you should keep doing it if you feel it's right for you. If you ever think that it's really not you and it just doesn't feel right, you probably are gay, but I think it could easily go either way, lol. Lots of people just like myself do have true attraction on all of the levels I have with women for both sexes.

 

Dude, I'm a guy within Hollywood at a top film company. So this isn't some bullshit celebrity thing. Not when I'm close to locking a film deal. It's part of my 'culture' and 'history.' Thus, it shows to me what has come to light in recent years and will be the truth still for my generation within the same time span.

I already told you how to come out. How most people come out. It's really simple, it's the steps written in about two hundred pages worth of documents and books for exactly that.

I'd be one of the guys that isn't like a lot of guys. I hate the idea of one night stands. I don't constantly think about sex. My mind is more on emotions. Intimacy turns me on. And I find I'm turned on by everyone once I get to know them, which makes life complicated lol. Probably comes from the territory of being a classic pisces. Scorpions and Pisces have been known to be signs most often related to being bi. Scorpions, probably due to sex obsession. Pisces, being a sensitive fish that swims in two directions.

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The point that really stands out to me is this, you seem to want to be gay. Kinda hard to describe. But, you sound like you really really doubt yourself. Making me think, are you being completely honest here or to yourself? Do you notice girls out on the street more than guys? Have you ever completely lost your trail of thought while driving by checking out a girl? Do you really like being intimate with a girl? Think about these questions before thinking about how guys figure in. If those questions are yes, you're either gonna wind up bi in some form or straight.

 

Hello, and Welcome to EC.
I'm gay. One of the reasons why I am 99% sure is because the only way I see my future is next to a guy, growing old, sharing life experiences, etc. I I cannot see myself in a family setting with a female.xD

Do you want to procreate and have a wife?
If yes, then you may be Bi.

Btw, Katy Perry is one of the most stunning and gorgeous women on Earth (Does this mean... I like women? =P No)

Also, Ian, there is no clear or correct way to come out. We humans are all different, there is no document or book that will tell you how to come out; because the struggles of one are different from another ( Maybe similar yes... but not all of us think alike).=P

 

While no clear or 'correct' way, most resources or references put the ritual up to those steps: 1) friends, 2) siblings, 3) parents. There are exceptions to this, but for someone that really doesn't seem to want his family to know... telling them first would be really difficult. Friends builds up self-esteem, siblings creates that first step, parents still hard but you'll have a safety net. For example, if my parents reacted overly bad I could always 'hide away' at a friend's house to let it blow over. The specifics get more diverse. I should also note that I was in a close friendship with a gay guy who helped me along. He understood me in a way my straight friends never could.

To hear coming out stories, youtube's the place to be lol. Or watch a film. Read a book. Prior to coming out to my parents:

1) I watched just about every gay film out there with guys in my age bracket. Ironically that also helped me realize I could and do want a boyfriend just as much as I want a girlfriend. Before I thought it would just be casual. I also found I'm the stereotypical "bad bi" who "wants his cake and to eat it too" lol. Basically wanting both at once.
2) I came out to my friends via texting. I don't think I could have done it in person. Mike Manning, from The Real World, also mentioned he sent texts to all his friends rapid fire so that he couldn't back away.
3) Read a lot online and in books about the coming out process and various reactions parents would have, so I'd be better prepared.
4) Watched a couple youtube coming out videos, read stories on here.
5) Told my sister.

All those gave me the strength I needed to come forward and tell my parents "this is me." Ironically, it also fit with what was in the books which I was unconsciously following prior to picking them up.

Ways to come out to parents:
- Sitting them both down.
- Telling your Mom, then having her tell your Dad. It was easy telling her I fell for some guys throughout the years, telling my Dad was a lot harder. Be prepared for parents to think it's a "phase." (Which it could be, part of the reason I didn't come out early, this has to do with feelings not being physically active)
- Writing a note and putting it somewhere for your parents to find.
- Sending an e-mail to your parents, same as the step above.
- Leading into it, like I did. They already knew those guys are my heroes, just not that part of the reason was they're other bi Hollywood guys.
- Spitting it out. "I'm gay" "I'm bi" I'm lesbian" (although for you, that last one wouldn't sound right).
- Any time is the right time, I did it right before Easter. Books told me to wait until after the holidays, but getting off that plane knowing I was going to tell them over break. I was a nervous wreck for a couple hours that I couldn't wait and had to tell them. That weight was just too much to bare.

Read and learn as much as you can. Also a note about marriage, I've found that the more accepting you become of the side of you that likes guys - the more you just stop caring who you'll wind up with. I see myself more with a girl in the end. But, if a guy comes a long - I won't put up road blocks either. A lot of bi guys towards the middle say the same thing. :icon_wink

 

Now, I'm afraid I have some bad news to tell you...

The dating world gets a lot harder for us. And that's the truth.

Girls and guys are afraid they can't "satisfy" us. I think this comes from the myth that guys only think with their "downstairs brain." They can't possibly see we like both due to being attracted to who they are. An average looking gay/bi guy and a model girl can be in the same room as me, but if she's stuck up and he's genuine - I'll be pulled more towards him despite him not being as attractive as the model. Hope that makes sense? Like the way they smile or the flicker in their eye can tell you everything. But gay guys and straight girls don't think this can be, not all but a lot, thus they're always asking "will he care if I don't have boobs?" "will he care if my hair isn't spiked?" (actual things I've heard). Gay guys are traumatized by the notion that we'll leave them for a girl. Straight girls are traumatized by the notion that we'll leave them for a guy. I'll be a hypocrite like Megan Fox and say I'd prefer dating gay guys rather than bi guys (unless we left it open to seek out a girl to bring into the triangle together) because I'd feel insecure that a girl can replace me. After all, she can offer him things that I can't. I'm a bi guy, lol, I should know better!

So are there few women? Sadly, YES. Many feel threatened by competing with dual attractions. We lose guys as well. Then you have the minotaur belief. With gay guys, it's just annoying as hell. With girls however, it further decreases our chances. The minotaur belief is we aren't real. Bi guys are as mythological as mermaids and vampires. Therefore, to those who align with this belief - we are totally gay and just in denial. A major WTF! This is why I'm not out at work. I like the girls there, I don't want them to see me as unavailable because I'm bi which could mean gay in their mind.

I'm still settling in on how to work this. I haven't had much luck with straight girls after coming out. I'm currently pursuing bi girls - they like girls just as much as I like guys.

So, be prepared. The dating world still has to catch up with us.

With all luck/hope, you're not an alternating bisexual - basically going from needing a guy to needing a girl and around we go. That's me. I'd be labeled " the bad bisexual" in media that's always thinking "how can I work this so I can have both?" Guys and girls don't like being 'the other.' Even though that feels the most natural to me.

Get ready, once you accept it, your view on dating (no matter how conservative you were raised) will ultimately revert to how you were born. Some of it, may even surprise you. Like, I'd want a wife and a husband. :eek: However, during ancient times, I would have been seen as normal. Guys to go to war with, girls to come home to - or the Spartan way of life. In the end, you'll just be you.

 

Yea, I think my ex was bi. Some people thought he was gay and he was definitely into men, I thought he was gay for awhile too and maybe hadn't figured it out but he really did seem to have an orientation more like that of a women's, I don't think he was lying to anyone.

When we were together he seemed like he was really into and he was very focused on the intimacy and how everything "felt" during sex, he was bothered that I didn't really seem into it and I don't think any gay man would say that.

 

Yeah, it is extremely confusing at first. But, that's more because society has raised you to believe sexuality is a black and white issue. I know when I first heard the term when I was 16, I couldn't believe it existed. So I just continued calling myself a "strange straight guy." However, according to research done in the fifties 45% of men had at least some form of homosexual experience. People's lives were in danger back then if they were even found out. So, bringing that into it, the number would be a lot higher today. Plus ancient Greece? No problem, we'd be the normal ones.

I'm the same way. 90% of girls turn me on. While maybe only 65 - 75% of guys do.

Ironically, on that same note, while I found some straight girls zeroed me out. I'm having more luck with online dating (out of school (23), big city, don't knock it) than ever before. Especially with bi girls. I even have a date this weekend. Overall, better luck out of the closet than in - might be because I'm comfortable with myself now.

Figuring out early on is awesome. Also coming out early on. I've always known I liked guys, but I was really afraid to come out of the closet. I am happy I did though, because while I'm still finding my footing with family and friends knowing - I'm not gonna be a middle aged dude that suddenly wakes up to it.

The way I see it - our twenties is a time to fully experience life, to learn, to have fun, to make mistakes along the way and get back up. Marriage expectations? Out the window, since luckily the age on that's gone way up. Not till I'm 30 or older. Giving a lot more time to just roam around.

And straight friends? If they're really you're friends, they'll be cool with it. I won't lie, you'll be treated like the gay friend by them sometimes - which is awkward. Like going to a club one night with a group of guys, my best friend joked that one of us wants to get with him. My roommate moving out here says he doesn't care if I bring a girl or guy back with me. A friend I thought was homophobic because of some comments he made, making him the hardest to come out to, even he is cool with me. I can just joke around about whatever with them and it's absolutely cool.

Basically, while there are 'horror' stories of coming out. Mine was, really not that bad. And I did it when I turned 23 a couple months ago. So, still relatively freshly out.

 

I have the same issue as you, basically. I know I like females, they're marvy! but some guys get my attention too. This had me confused forever, especially after I started having sex with girls, at the same time that I fell in love with a man for the first time.
After much headbashing, I decided, whatever. I love who I love and I don't need a label. After much discussion with my (also bi) friend, we decided that I was technically more bi then lesbian, so that's what I call myself. Not too hung up on it though
Point is, you are who you are. Enjoy it! (*hug*)

 

A few years ago, I was in the same position as yourself. I had a relationship with a girl in 2007 that lasted three months, and I had no problems getting aroused for sex. There had from an early age been a fluctuating level of homosexuality, and then in 2008, at 22 as well, I realized this was more dominant, and started coming out as gay. I think it quite likely that all my future relationships will be with men, but given my sexual history, and that even now, I have some level of attraction towards women, I'd put myself at around 5 on the 0-6 Kinsey Scale. There are a lot of gay men who were never interested in girls at all, putting them at a clear 6.

When I came out at first, the emphasis was on the fact that I liked boys, not that I no longer liked girls. You don't have to think of gay and bi as mutually exclusive. You can at some points along the scale think of bi as a type of being gay.

And you don't need to be with a man before you know you might be gay, as you must think that if you're here. I do notice some similarities between your case and mine, with your age and the past relationship history, so if you want to post a message on my wall, or send me a PM, do so.

Good luck in any case.