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My partner doesn't think im top enough for him :/

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by joshy the queen, Dec 7, 2020.

  1. joshy the queen

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    Greetings
    4 and a half months ago my partner and I started seeing each other, he is 43, im 23

    At first sex was so great, oral; check, anal; check, roleplay;check, and he always likes topping me...
    or so i thought...a couple of weeks in and i notice a pattern, my partner rarely ejaculates with me, either solo after i leave or masturbating to a fantasy; which somehow always includes strangers fucking me, or him, or both....i just dismiss it and think it's cute
    Fast forward a few more weeks, and a threesome is always trying to be pushed by him, i suggest a few people, and he immediately rejects those who are versatile or mostly interested in topping me, and prefers those that woud agree to top him as well, threesome never happened...

    but i asked if he likes that i top more cause i do enjoy it, he gets excited, surprises me one morning and we do it, and although i epically enjoyed it and he said he usually ejaculates when bottoming immediately, it was a total turn off on his side, no boner, no happy face, nothing, he didn't even want to masturbate after....and every other time i try suggesting it he immediately gets lazy, suggets to top me instead, or plainly forgets to get ready very obviously, or says he doesn't feel like it (excuses basically)

    Then a week ago, we text while he was high and he describes a scenario where he wants to be gangbanged by all his EXs and gets excited, and tells me it would be the greatest birthday present ever, i gently oppose it because im not that open to playing around to begin with, and im hesitated since i know he wants to get something he thinks I can't offer

    Finally, i confront him after a fantasy masturbation where we imagined someone was topping him, saying if he wants it so badly why aren't we doing it, he says very plainly "you don't have the archetype of a top, there's something to it you lack" that broke me, i told him its okay but its really not, and i seriously dont know what to do.....we are in a monogamous relationship and we have an agreement of playing with others only if both of us are present, but i don't want a threesome if it means that im basically not giving him something he needs, as his boyfriend i should meet minimum standards of enjoyable sex before letting him enjoy a stranger, im scared to see him turned on by a "real" top that i would feel insignificant and useless in bed and not enough....

    What should I do????
     
  2. Andrew7

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    I would be pretty paranoid as well, especially since other people have the potential to get involved. I think you might have to communicate to your partner your strong desires to be on top and how badly you want it, who knows, that might help turn him on.

    Maybe there is something that you can do which would enhance the experience of you being on top for your partner, such as strong communication, communicating to find out what your partner likes, exactly how your partner likes it, not just before hand, but during. And when trying to improve the experience, there probably shouldn't be expectations of it completely changing overnight. Additionally, maybe you could also experiment with toys to help further enhance the experience.

    Basically, communication might be your best strategy here, and in more ways than one.
     
  3. OnTheHighway

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    You have only been in the relationship for 4.5 months. Thats a good amount of time to see if there are fundamental issues in your relationship. Based on what you are describing, it sounds like your partner has some fundamental issues of his own which will create fundamental issues for your relationship. Don't let his head issues interfere with your own desire to find happiness. Consider moving on before you entrench yourself in his craziness.
     
  4. HM03

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    In addition to the sexual compatibility, I highly recommend examining your relationship as a whole. Obviously I don't know all the details, but several things you've said seem to be redflags to me and make me feel like he doesn't value you like you value him.

    In the nicest possible way, he doesn't sound like the nicest person. Pushing threesomes means that he's not respecting boundaries you've set up. And while I'm not saying partners should lie about how great sex is when it wasn't, I think it's important to be considerate of our partner's feelings and perhaps give gentle ideas of things to try next time to make it more enjoyable for everybody.

    I don't mean to pick apart your relationship, but 5 months in, your new partner should still be on their "best behaviour".
     
    #4 HM03, Dec 8, 2020
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2020
    gravechild and QuietPeace like this.
  5. Obsidian3

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    I know i am late to this post lol, but your response is very concrete and thorough. Good point!!
     
  6. PatrickUK

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    I'm afraid this is one of the issues that often arise in age gap relationships, where the older person is essentially the "daddy" (even if it's only in his mind) and sex is more about role play and fantasy fulfilment than an equitable expression of love and affection. I tend to agree with the others who have highlighted this as a compatibility issue and would suggest you think carefully about the long term prospects for success.